Post # 1
I can’t get over the way this makes me feel…
Back story: I have always suffered from a very bad back as a result of heriditary problems and muscular/skeletal problems. I have being going to see various practitioners since my early teens but they only offer temporary relief and the problem is always there.
I COULD alleviate the pain a lot if I commited to a SERIOUS stretching and excercise regime but… and I’m being 100% honest here… I am in the last year of my degree and it’s just hand on heart not something I can commit to right now. The pain obviously affects me but I am very used to it and it’s not something that stops me from doing anything (it’s more of an ache than a strong pain but it gets concentrated in particular areas).
My wonderful SO does his best to help me… he always gives me massages and helps me stretch my legs when I’m tired but I just can’t deal with him nagging me about it! He is very sporty so I can see how he doesn’t “get” why I don’t just do something about it. Other than this I am healthy… I’m slim and I eat well (better than him actually).
I know that I have to address this at some point. I know that. I’m in my early 20s and it’s only going to get worse. But it’s something I need to do on my own… it’s not going to happen unless I am 100% motivated to do it. I feel like the more he nags me to do something about it, the more I get irratated and resentful towards the idea of excercising and stretching. I have explained this to him many times but the message just doesn’t seem to be getting through. It’s really upsetting me (although that’s probably because we just had a talk about it as well)… I feel like I’m letting him down but I really really can’t deal with feeling guilty about this right now. Any advice?
Post # 3
Your digging-in reaction is a bit childish but its your body so honestly you can do whatever you want. If you’re not bothering him about it then he should really just leave you alone to do (or not do) what you want. If, on the other hand, you’re complaining about your back all the time I can see why he’d be pushing the solution. My absolute #1 pet peeve is people complaining about things they have the power to solve. In my mind you have two options: don’t solve the problem and keep your mouth shut about the consequences, or solve the problem. If you’re complaining to him then I think you open the door to get nagged about it.
Post # 4
I have a feeling you are upset because your FI is just telling you something you already know. He’s nagging because he cares…..because he hates seeing you in pain like that. But i also completely agree with Corgi. One of my peeves is also people who complain and never do anything to fix it. It sounds like he’s doing a lot to help you–massages, etc–and he wants you to do something to help yourself. What if you enrolled in yoga twice a week or something? For me, paying for a class like that motivates me to go.
Post # 5
I don’t think anyone enjoys being told what to do, it’s not fun. But, it really sounds like your FI is concerned for your well-being. If anything, I’d say you have a good man who motivates you when you don’t motivate yourself. Especially when it comes to your health. I agree with Corgi and EJ, if you are okay without the stretching regiment, it is your body… but I also agree that your FI shouldn’t have to hear about the effects of it either.
Yoga is amazing, you should def give that a try– it’ll keep you on a minimal schedule and help you with your back as well 🙂
Post # 6
My boyfriend had a back injury and was in pain for the better part of the year. I know you are the one in pain, but I know in our situation when he was in pain I had to pick up a lot of slack. He couldn’t stand long to do the dishes, bend to make the bed, I got less sleep because he was tossing all night, I had to all the driving. I’m not goign to lie, that year was rough. If this is the case for you, I could see how I would be frustrated when you could do something about the pain. If it’s not the case, chalk it up to him being concnered for your well being but tell him you can take care of yourself.
Post # 7
My brother (and mom and grandma) all have extremely bad backs from some genetic condition. My brother has had at least 2 (maybe more- I can’t remember anymore) serious surgeries on his with results that were only temporary. He too was told that the only thing he could do was exercise and stretch. At one point his back was so bad that he was constantly at a pain level of 8 (out of 10). He couldn’t even pick up his 1 year old daughter who only wieghed 18 pounds.
He now has a 2.5 year old and a 8 month old, just graduated with a master’s degree while working a full time internship, and just finished contracting the building of his new house. He is an extremely busy person (he prefers it that way). But he has learned that he HAS to make exercising a priority. And now, he even sees it as a way to relax and get away from everything else that he has to do (and with 2 very little girls- I don’t blame him- it must be relaxing!).
I do understand that it sucks when people constantly tell you that you have to do something. I hate it and I sometimes have that same reaction to want to not do it even more. But, I understand the seriousness and the consequences of back problems. You have to decide for yourself that this is a priority and instead of trying to find time around the rest of your schedule to exercise, you have to decide that exercise is the priority and make sure your schedule will work around the time you set aside to work on your back.
Post # 8
My advice would be to tell him exactly what you said – that him reminding you all the time makes you feel like you are letting him down, and that the guilt/pressure is simply not something you can deal with right now. You’ll do it in your own time.
Marriage = communication. Communicate with him.
Post # 9
THANK YOU BEES! I knew you were the right people to turn to and make me see sense 🙂
@CorgiTales You know what’s really crazy… I go around saying that what you wrote is one of my “mottos” in life… My dad always used to say that there are 2 things in life: things you can do something about and things you can’t so there’s no need to complain because you should either do something about it or get over it haha! I’d never applied it to this situation and you are so so right… it’s not at all fair that I complain about my back and then not expect him to want to help me.
@ejs4y8 and @missjyc: I’ve heard pilates is also good so I might look that up… the main problem is really that although I can do something about it… it’s not going to be at all easy. I’m ridiculously busy at the moment with school and have zero money whatsoever so classes wouldn’t be an option. I will however see if I can find a dvd I could do at home or even some youtube videos.
@knittybynature: The pain doesn’t stop me from doing anything thank god… so it doesn’t really affect him in that way, but he does spend time giving me massages and the more I think about it I really do feel bad about complaining all the time…
@NDBride2011: Do you know how he made himself do it? I do occasionally go running but it’s very rarely and I keep putting it off… I tell myself that after I graduate in June I’ll have the money and the time to excercise but I know there is no perfect time to do it and I also remember swearing that I would excercise “once I start school” when I was working full time 3 years ago. I just don’t think him nagging me is motivational… but I don’t know what will finally be the thing that makes things click you know?
@crayfish: Don’t worry I have told him… he knows how I feel he just can’t help wanting to “help” me by suggesting I stretch. As a couple in general, I think we have really great communication but this is just an issue that comes up again and again and I need to sort out my own slightly childish reaction to being nagged about it… It’s something I can’t control and I don’t like that.
Post # 10
I really don’t know how he finally motivated himself to do it. I think a lot of it was that his pain levels got so bad that he couldn’t do anything. He couldn’t stand for too long, becuase it hurt more then. But he also couldn’t sit becuase that hurt too. He could lay down but you can’t really do anything then. And it might have been his little girls. He couldn’t stay home and watch them while his wife went out to get grocerys or anything because he couldn’t pick them up.
He started by going to the school work out facilities before and/or after class everyday that he was on campus. Our school is great because they have a newly remodeled top of the line gym. Pretty much the only thing he could do for a while was the eliptical machine becuase the others were too hard on his back. Slowly he’s worked his way up to being able to do anything. He even go out and plays raquetball now- which I am sure is really hard on a back!
I know that nagging doesn’t help at all. Maybe next time he starts bringing it up and saying you should stretch, you could ask him to do it with you. Or you could ask him to start going to the gym with you or sign up for an exercise class together that you would both enjoy. I know I hate working out alone and would never go if it was only up to me. But if you do it together and hold eachother accountable, you would be more likely to do it. Plus, then it would be something that would bring the two of you closer together rather than cause tension between the two of you.
Post # 11
I think that your situation is a terrible one to be in. Back pain has got to be the worst! (I’ve fallen off horses and onto my back a few times, not good!). Anyway, if you don’t mind…what have you done already to get the back pain better? Traditional medicine, or chiropractic and acupuncture and stuff like that? My mom was suffering from a hurniated disc in her lower spine that was about to rupture so she couldn’t sit, stand, bend over, dress herself, etc for a few weeks while she had daily chiropractor adjustments. However, in the end she avoided surgery which was the most important thing for her. Have you tried/ looked into this? I don’t know where you stand but it has really helped my whole family, plus if you find a good one they will help you with so much more than your back! I’m sure you already know this but so much of pain is related to more than just the area in question, so stretching/exercising definitely makes sense to address the root causes.
Also, ask yourself about a few things before you write off how much time can be devoted to stretching…like how much will this affect your quality of life later? what will it mean for your SO, not just now but years down the line? what other things, besides time constraints and academic commitments are affecting your resistance to committing to this exercise program?
I don’t know where you go to school, but usually universities offer some sort of free fitness classes to students.
All I can say is that there is time where you make it! Keep your head up and really enlist help from you SO and other loved ones to help you make this journey so when you feel like quitting someone will help you along your path. And just so you don’t think I’m being a hypocrite, I work part time, am training as an Air Force officer, and double majoring, and still put in work outs! You can do it!!! Instead of fighting your SO, use their motivation and support to both of your benefit!