Post # 1
I had to change my name because have many post being followed by family in here. Due to the circumstance, I have decided to go incognito on this one.
Basically my FI and I are being forced into getting married sooner than later. The reason because of MAJOR Family drama. Nothing we did, but we are getting the brunt of it.
We are considereing having a very small informal wedding with the family that have supported us. I can’t move yet, he doesn’t have a place for us yet, so we would be apart for several weeks.
BUT I still WANT the Big Wedding, with invitations and White dress and reception and honeymoon and etc. We are talking about doing this a couple months down the road, when everything settles. Also we can save a little more money, have it in his hometown where family and friends are less hostile.
Has anyone ever done this? Has anyone gone through this before? Emotionally what will I experience? Will I still get the emotional “fairy tale” wedding I ever dreamed of, or will that day feel like I was cheated because I had to do it sooner?
I’m a wreck I went from being super happy, to super mess in a short time. This situation is only gonna get worst before it gets better. Basically once we get married lot of the drama will settle. (well the drama will filter onto something else.)
Any advice will be helpful!
Post # 3
@SecretBride12345: I dont’ have much advice for you but I am in a similar situation. We legally married in October to get his immigration papers in process (even though he is a LEGAL resident and has lived here for 10+ years, his work visa is a pain…). We are living apart until the papers process, him in LA and me in Atlanta. We are still doing the big wedding next October because we want to be able to celebrate with our friends and families, plus we didn’t exchange vows or anything at our civil ceremony. I think that when you have your big event it will still be magical and special to you! I know you’re probably overwhelmed with emotions right now but step back and take a deep breath and realize you all would have been married sooner or later.
Post # 4
- Wedding: October 2013 - Vine Street Church
Why are you allowing them to force you into marriage? If you’re old enough to get married, you’re old enough to say no. If you don’t want to get married now and have your wedding when you want it, then don’t get married now and have your wedding when you want it. Your wedding is the day you get married (and therefore wedded) and anything after that is a vow renewal unless you get divorced.
Post # 5
@SecretBride12345: No one can force you to get married. That is one of the major legal requirements; that you are coming to this of free will.
If you are choosing to do this because you don’t want to deal with family drama that is another story. Do what you want to. If there is family drama, they should be able to put it aside for 5 hours at a party. If not then I don’t think a few months will make them suddenly reasonable people.
Post # 6
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
It’s very hard to comment without more details. I’m having a hard time understanding what could possibly FORCE you to get married that also has nothing to do with you? Maybe someone is close to death?
Frankly, it sounds like you WILL be regretful that you didn’t get the wedding you want, and I don’t blame you. I know it’s all about the marriage, etc… But hey, the wedding day is special too! You should be able to do it how you want. Without understanding the context, that’s all I can say.
Post # 7
Depending on what the drama and reason to wed early they may not come around to the idea of a big wedding later or it could bring up even more drama. Do what you want and not what peoplre are forcing you to do. You say you want to big wedding eventually but what if you have to put it off longer than you plan will you still love that small ceremony when you actually get married?
Post # 8
@andielovesj: + 1.
You can, of course, do whatever you want to but if you have all this drama now, I can’t see how a secret wedding followed by another celebration a couple of months later is going to put an end to the grief.
Nobody who is legally old enough to be classed as an adult can be forced into getting married. Ultimately, you are making a considered choice. But if you don’t even have somewhere to live as a married couple this suggests you need to be a little more prepared before jumping into marriage. How long have you been together?
Post # 9
Basically what has happened, most of my bridesmaids are family members. Some have been restricted on being my bridesmaids or participating in any part. Others bow out to keep the peace, they don’t want to have to choose sides. The few I can ask live mmostly in my new city. It makes more sense to marry up there. But because my FI & I won’t live together unless we are married I can’t move up there. We figure we would do a small ceremony with no wedding party while he out her next. (We live in different states). Once we both get things inorder (me packed up & job contract) and him with his own place. I can just pack what left and move as soon as things are in order.
Yes we are old enough in our late 20s, no matter what its gonna be drama. But its gonna happen either way. We are considering a surprise wedding. So some of them can say, I just showed up for dinner and we had no idea the decided to get married right that night. My Grandparents are switzerland this allows them an excuse to see it without choosing sides. Cause if they had to they would stay home to keep the peace but they spend the rest of their days regretting it. I hope that makes sense!
Post # 10
@SecretBride12345: This is about bridesmaids???
Post # 11
@HannahGrace: no this is only part of the reason. That’s just the easiest part to explain.
Post # 12
- Wedding: June 2016 - Charleston, SC
@SecretBride12345: It’s sort of hard to give you advice or understand what the issue is when we don’t have much to go on. The only thing we have so far is that this has to do with having bridesmaids. Don’t have bridesmaids if there’s going to be too much drama involved. Then no one has to pick sides at all. A wedding is about you and your FI anyways! Bridesmaids are optional.
If you only explain a small part of the problem, we can only help with that one little part! Is there more to this story that you care to share? I’m sorry you’re going through family problems!
Post # 13
I don’t think getting married and then having a bigger wedding later will eliminate any drama unless you plan to not have a wedding party, which may be a consderation since it seems BMs are one of the causes for drama. I think if he knew all the details this whole situation would be totally fixable, but I wouldn’t recommend getting married sooner than you want to and giving up a big part of what you want. I also don’t think you are being “forced” into anything.
Post # 14
@SecretBride12345: I’m thinking the only advice I can give is to not get married sooner because of drama? Although I admit, your lack of context has me confused. I’m not sure if you are looking for generalized sympathy? Surely you can offer a reason why one would be forced to marry sooner?
Post # 15
I might let go of the big wedding dream. I know it sucks, but if you feel that your families are keen on causing that much drama, they’ll cause it no matter what kind of wedding you have.
Personally, I’d elope.
It has the advantage of being secret and just-for-us while keeping family out of your hair.
In your shoes, I might do something really fun and go elope in like, NYC in my big white dress, then go out (just the two of us) in our wedding clothes to a very fancy resturant. I’d get a photographer to take some photos during the ceremony and then we’d retire to a really nice hotel room. To me, that sounds like an absolute BLAST of an elopement.
Question – if you want to move up near your FI, why not move up and get your own apartment with a month-to-month lease? Or a 6-moth lease?
Like just you, on your own, without living together. People do it!
Put some of your belongings in storage, or store them in boxes at his place for a while if he has room.
Post # 16
Unless there is a legal reason (such as children, health insurance, military or state department deployment, visas) or the fear of loss of a love one prior to the wedding, I’m really hard pressed to see how you can be forced to get married. I understand the religious and legal implications of living together before getting married, but I don’t understand why you can’t get married in a different city than where you live. We are getting married in a different city, as it is cheeper. And bridal party should have little impact on why and where you get married.
You can have the second ceromony after the legal marriage, but it doesn’t seem to be what you want.