Being left out of the loop for our wedding! (vent, sorry)

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
6964 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@farfromhome:  We had an issue early on with one of my FSILs. FMIL is ill and lives with FSIL, so since my FI doesn’t really know all his family, I asked FSIL to sit down with her mom and come up with a list of family that needs to be invited. 

Well…. she never got back to me even after emailing to ask when I needed the list. When we finally saw her at Christmas she didn’t have a list written out, but did mention that she verbally invited this group of like 5 friends of HERS. As in, people my FI has never met and who are not in any way related to him. They are simply people my FSIL used to hang out with. Yeah, I don’t give a shit who she told about my wedding, they are not getting invitations and I will have a bouncer if need be. 

Post # 5
Member
6964 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@farfromhome:  Shot… EVERYTHING is up for debate at ANY time it seems. I thought my dad would be the problem, since before I was even engaged we were talking about my hypothetical future wedding and he was talking as if his high school buddies would be there. We actually got in an arguement about it! But the day after I got engaged I called him and gently brought up not verbally inviting anyone and he was all gung-ho about how he would NEVER and he hasn’t. I guess I just assumed FSIL had better sense. Somehow, she seemed to be under the impression that we had to fill seats. Like, she was saying how we “had to” invite FMIL’s co-workers even though she’s been retired for a decade, but when we talked to FMIL she said she didn’t want to invite anyone like that. Odd. But either way, I’m addressing all the envelopes and ain’t doin’ it for any “friends of FSIL”!

Post # 7
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

farfromhome That would piss me off!! I hate people meddling, butting in and taking over and to take it upon themselves to invite other people to YOUR wedding is not okay…. I would be telling her that because she called and invited those people without checking with you first she now needs to call and UNinvite them, that is just not on.

Post # 9
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@farfromhome:  Your FI needs to get on the phone and tell his mother that she is not to invite anyone else to your wedding and make it clear that not only will any future surprise additions not receive an invitation, she will need to explain to them why they didn’t. If you really want to drive the point home, he should ask her when you can expect to receive her check covering the cost of HER additional guests. 

Honestly, I’m a little surprised you all didn’t do that after the first incident with the cousins But it definitely needs to be done now.

Post # 10
Member
2057 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia

I might have to bump some friends out of my list in order to accomodate my mother’s…. We’re also having a destination wedding, which is about 5 hours drive. I actually felt bad making my mom cry because I didn’t communicate properly about the maximum 150 people capacity. (She’s used to attending weddings with 300+ people, lol)

BUT until you get firm RSVPs, I wouldn’t stress about the guest list too much. It’s also reasonable to ask your FMIL to help foot the bill with their family — unless there are capacity constraints at your venue.

Nonetheless, I think my friends would understand since both our combined families are big. I could always have a separate casual brunch with them later, showing them pictures and guest’s video footages of the event.

Post # 12
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@farfromhome:  I am sure she only has the best intentions, but if you don’t speak up now it will never stop and she will continue to go over your head to do things which will  infuriate the shit out of you and you will end up frustrated and angry with her.  

If you do speak up now and say “hey, we said don’t invite any more guests, anyone you invite is going to have to be uninvited” she might think twice in the future about going against what you ask.

It’s a tough situation and MIL’s seem overbearing but usually only have your best interest at heart but you have to remember it is your wedding, your guests, your decision full stop.

 

Post # 13
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@farfromhome:  Why wait to see if it pops up again? It’s happened twice already, correct? It sounds like she is taking any declined invitations from her side and using them as license to invite other people from her own personal B list. She needs to understand that declines don’t equal an open seat for her to reassign as she chooses. 

Post # 15
Member
1646 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

We had an issue early on, my parents agreed to the 75, but then when we took it to my FMIL and FFIL, they added so many more which makes our number 96.  To this day 6 months later, we have no idea why we are inviting these ppl, considering my FI, has only met them once, maybe twice in his life. 

 

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors