- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
So i got an email from the girl. I'm so angry I am shaking as I type this. But i"m at work so I'm resorting to the internet, obviously.
She IS mad I didn't let her move in with me. And apparently I wasn't compassionate enough. She said I wasn't there for her and I didn't have it in my heart to let her move in with me in her time of need. She said I made it apparent it was an inconceivable option because I have a husband. She says I "missed the point", I was unconcerned and saying things like "not feasible" equates to telling her to F off. I got her message, talked to my husband AND my mom about it, and responded back within 35 minutes. She claims I didn't even talk to my husband.
Apparently this emotional time in her life has taught her who her friends are. She says our relationship is repairable only if I show remorse for what I wrote.
And now, here's the facebook message I sent her 6 weeks ago.
Wow, I am so sorry you're going through that. What is their big beef with you anyways?! It's not like you're living some crazy disapproving lifestyle to the point that they should essentially be disowning you or kicking you out of the house like they are! Are they not letting you stay with your sister anymore, either? What about your brother and his fiance? Well, you know this, but you wouldn't be the first person to live off student loans for a year or two out of college to get your feet planted. However, my husband is home now and its not really feasible for us to take on a housemate. But if you need to stay a weekend while you look for an apartment (ask Jane--she looked at a lot of places and there are lots of places around us here ), you are of course welcome to! I thought you were planning on living with your sister? I wish there was more I could do for you, if it was just me here, that'd be different. By the way, DH's friend just got engaged and they both have houses--he has been talking about renting out his house. I'm sure it wouldn't be very expensive and it's downtown on Chippewa Street. Have you met with a financial advisor? That could be really helpful in sorting out your finances for the first 6 months out of school. At least you have a job! Anyways I have two tests this week so I've been a studying maniac but feel free to give me a call if you need a shoulder to cry on or just to vent and chat!"
Thoughts? Feel free to be honest with me if you think I've done the wrong thing. I am literally so angry I am shaking but I want to respond rationally. I just...wow.
I really don't think you did the wrong thing. I think it was incredibly rude and presumptious of her to assume that you would be willing to have her live with you FOR FREE with your husband. This girl just rubs me the wrong way.
... I don't think you did the wrong thing. You have to do what is best for you, your husband, and your relationship/ marriage before anything else. Especially since he just got back! I'm sure eventually she'll realize this, but for now she's going to be mad. And its fine that she's mad, but someone we have to own up to being an adult and tough it out when things are hard.
I don't think you did anything wrong. I don't think that was a mean message.
She is immature and not ready to accept the kind of help you have offered... It sounds like she is not what you need in your life right now either... Hang in there!
I actually just read the other post about it. I really can't see where she's getting this stuff from. But when some people are going through an emotional time, they tend to make things up. In their head (and probably your friends too) they feel revictimized by people who mean them no harm (you). I think eventually she'll realize she overreacted but by then she'll be in too deep. Really, I wouldn't sweat this beyond today. At the end of the day, you know your limitations, you can't give someone something you don't have. And you said yourself she wasn't a great friend anymore so there shouldn't be much love lost.
I can see how she would have been upset at the time, she was probably beside herself, and overwhelmed and desperate.
But what I can't see is how she's still sticking to this. Your response wasn't out of line at all, and it WAS incredibly presumptuous of her to assume it would be fine to move in with you. And even though you DID ask your husband, that frankly is none of her damn business. It's a non-issue, and for her to bring it up is crass, and trying to put you on the defensive, where you don't deserve to be.
And now she's setting conditions under which she'll deign to be your friend again? No way. I'm all about second (third and fourth!) chances, but this girl needs to be DROPPED.
* gets her boxing gloves on..* LET ME AT HER!! jk..
what a moo cow..
you did the right thing ej, dont feel bad...
I don't see anything wrong in what you wrote to her. In fact, you seemed genuinely concerned and offered other options to her. I think she's just pissed that you wouldn't allow her to live with you.
Yeah, I definitely don't see anything wrong with what you wrote. It was extremely presumptuous of her to assume you'd let her move in with you for free. That's insane and I can't believe someone would even ask!! Don't feel bad about this. I'm sure eventually she'll realize she's overreacting, but by then it'll probably be too late!
wow, seriously? if she offered to pay maybe that would be different...but I guess she just wants a hand out. I think your message was perfect and you offered her so many options to think about. It definitely got the point accross without being rude...so I don't know what her problem is.
I responded to your other post about her. She sounds like a character, to put it nicely.
Honestly, I think she has entitlement issues. Not your fault.
Blech.
This girl sounds like a psycho. You did nothing wrong and she's obviously just pissed that you wouldn't let her live with you. Which was incredibly presumptuous for her to think she could do in the first place.
It sounds like it wouldn't be a great loss to not have this girl as a friend anymore.
You totally did the right thing, ejs. Crashing at someone's place for more than a weekend is a HUGE imposition and, as you pointed out, a financial burden at times. She has no idea what she's asking of you. And considering her other connections in the city, I'm shocked she had the balls to ask without so much as an, "I'll be your maid!" comment. I had to crash at a family member's apartment once for two weeks, and I offered to pay for meals, do some grocery shopping, and because I was unemployed, I also cleaned the apartment. I knew how much of a pain it was having me there (even though she never showed it), and I was always incredibly grateful. She was also single, though, and didn't have a husband.
DON'T second-guess your actions here. This friend sounds like a piece of work.
I hate people like this! I say stay away from her! She is sooo manipulative and deceitful she is trying to guilt you into doing whatever she wants...uuuuuughhhhh!!!!! Sorry, this is speaking from some of my own experiences with people like your "friend"...I say ignore it wholly...she's just being manipulative right now...maybe in the future when she grows up, you might be able to repair the relationship, but I doubt it...speaking from experience here. And no...you did nothing wrong...your message was actually quite helpful if you ask me.
@ejs...honestly I wouldn't even respond to her. It's obvious that she wanted you to fawn all over her and put her needs above those of your family's. Your family that you are creating with your husband comes first and if she can't understand that the problem lies with her and not you. She will understand that eventually...and if not...do you really want to have her as a friend?
Er? She is crazy in the headplace? Or just hugely immature?
Your message sounds very supportive and understanding to me. You made it clear that you were emotionally available and "there for her" along with offering what practical help was feasible for you.
That this did not entail giving her precisely what she wanted doesn't mean it didn't count. That line about "remorse" would make me mad enough to spit.
I'd respond firmly but clamly and leave the ball in her court. Something like, "I'm sorry you feel as though I wasn't there for you. That wasn't my intention. If you need to talk I'm available."
good thing you told her no from the beginning! what if you would have let her move in, only to figure out she's psycho then! This is totally one of those things I would never forget...
holy crap! i just read your other thread, after what she said about your brother before, she's one to talk about being an unsupportive friend! and in any case, your fb message to her reads to me as completely reasonable and supportive. what an entitled brat...
Wow! This girls got balls. lol I guess i just can't see to actually ask someone "hey can I move in with you till i'm on my feet..." It just seems rude period. If she was venting that she didnt' know what to do and you offered; that's one thing; but Its worse to just invite yourself; especially without offering to pay X amount for rent & then get offended when they say no. You should not feel bad about it. You have obviously learned the type of person she is. At least she found some other sucker to mooch off of for a while instead of begging you. Hopefully she'll come around and realize she was being rediculous. But if not; I guess O well...
OK, wow. This girl is loony tunes. It sucks that this friendship is done, but you did nothing wrong here and from what I've been able to see of her from your posts, you're better off without her in your life.
stay away from her...she is trying to suck you into her drama! maybe this incident is providing some insight on why she is kicked out of wherever she was living.
You did nothing wrong. She has issues. I had a drama girl in my life that I recently have had to phase out, and her continued behavior makes me more and more confident that I don't have out with her outside of work anymore!
At this point, I wouldn't even let her move in for the weekend. She is being manipulative and even 3 days with her there is likely to be awkward.
I'm still spitting, haha. Honestly, i figured when she emailed me, then never responded, that she'd overreacted and she and her parents had patched things up.
Funny, SHE wasn't the one following up with me the months after my brother died....I didn't expect that of ANYBODY except my husband. I certainly didn't feel entitled to having people ask me if i'm ok/doing alright all the time.
The awkward part is that she's my sorority Little Sister and we share some mutual friends. Although those friends think she's being crazy right now.And, I was planning on going to Eleusinia next month (a SUnday brunch thing) and am irritated....i'm not going to let her behavior keep me away from stuff. Anyone with half a brain thinsk i'm at least being reasonable.
I'm trying to draft an email back although I think it'll be better if I wait until tonight to respond...or tomorrow.....
I'm just speechless, really.
Now she says if money was an issue, she'd pay me back. HELLO money is ALWAYS an issue.
You are definitely not in the wrong - and be glad you didn't allow her to move in with you. I had a friend move into my place, which I own - when I was single and had just met my FI. Things took off with my FI and within 3-4 months we were always at his house. I was very flexible with her on payment terms, etc. - when I wasn't around she complained about my room being empty (I let her and her son move into my other bedroom) - and then she complained that she was paying too much. After a year of her living there (over half of which I wasn't around) we agreed she'd take over the entire space and pay rent - I moved everything of mine out and she had the place to herself. I, again, was very flexible with her on payment terms and worked out a plan for her to work her way up to the full mortgage amount... 6 months later when it was time for it to go up she freaked out on me. Needless to say, she moved out, left it a mess and we are no longer friends.... I still question if I did something wrong - but in the back of my mind, I know I didn't.
You did the right thing.
I think she's doing you a favor- so I wouldn't show any remorse. It's not your job to take care of her- you offered to let her stay a weekend, suggested places she could go- it appears she's upset you said no.
As for an email, I would keep it short and sweet.
Dear X,
I'm sorry you feel this way. I wish I could help you more, but like I said, it's not feasible for you to move in with my husband and I. I hope you work your situation out and wish you the best.
I'd forget about her after that :)
I'd probably reply with"
Well what do you think "It's not feasible for us right now" means? That's a nice way of saying; we don't have the money to support your a**. Money is ALWAYS and issue.
If your still in college; I'd say it's more of a maturity thing than anything. She's probably use to her parents giving her everything. I wouldn't worry about it. She'll realize someday that it takes a lot of work to support yourself; let alone someone else.
I totally agree that it was presumptuous and ridiculous for her to expect to stay with you and your husband for MONTHS with no rent paying, etc but ... I think it might have been a bit more personal to have met with her in person or talked on the phone rather than leave a facebook message telling her that you couldn't do it. She seems very emotionally immature, and probably read way too much into the facebook message response. Anyways, sometimes it's better to cut your losses with toxic friends like these ...
I really don't think you did anything wrong.
However, look at it through her perspective--if you were homeless, you'd be pretty upset if your good friend could only let you stay the weekend. I think I would have offered a week, but again that's between you and your husband.
She did you a favor! I would let it (her) go. Reading your other post, she has some issues to work out. She is a meanie (lol did I just type that?!). It's hard to help those that won't help themselves!
Yeah....i actually didn't want to talk to her on the phone. I usually respond in the same manner someone contacts me--i get an email, i respond via email. I figured she was too emotional for a phone conversation. Plus, I wasn't sure what to say.
She lives about 1.5 hours away from St. Louis.
She wants to move in with us in MAY. I got this message in February. It's not like she got booted out on the street today.That'd have been a different story. She says she HAS the money to get an apartment, but basically doesn't want to because of money
If it's REALLY an issue, she could've gotten a part time job at school, right?
Oye.
you are being blamed for her troubles, though you were being a pretty supportive friend. Supportive doesn't have to be you bending over backwards and ignoring your own family's needs. Don't beat yourself up over it, ejs :-(
@ ej, ditto what the other bees said. i don't think you were rude at all in your e-mail and i think your friend OVERREACTED HARDCORE!
VERY presumptuious of her expectactions to be so high and demanding!
Oh my goodness, you did NOTHING wrong! I can't believe she's upset with you! So sorry you're dealing with this - I would be very upset too!
"If it's REALLY an issue, she could've gotten a part time job at school, right?"
Jobs are harder to come by than you think...seriously, I work for a university and I'm soo lucky to have that job.
ejs: your message to her seems both concerned & open. your Little Sister is being RIDICULOUS...now, I can see that, over the internet, the concern in your voice may not have translated to your "voice", but that is NOT justification for not responding to you for 6 weeks, blowing things out of hand, & making demands on you (in fact all three of those things seem incredibly RUDE & immature, not something you do to your Big Sister). At present you're not diplomatically inclined...if, in the future, maybe at your brunch thing, you want to try to become friends again, I would NOT go up to her. Maybe ask a mutual friend, like another sister (not your year or hers - impartiality might be in question) to mediate the situation & help you guys be sisters again. But I would DEFINITELY NOT respond to her, and ABSOLUTELY not on her terms. (sorry for all the caps, but her response really ticked me off!)
Oh. my. goodness. She's just getting better and better isn't she!
First of all, your facebook message to her was not mean at all, it was actually very constructive and helpful. You encouraged her that her situation isn't a worse as it could be and offered feasible suggestions for where she can get help. AND YOU STILL OFFERED TO LET HER STAY AT YOUR PLACE FOR A WEEKEND OR SO. This girl is a train wreck and needs to remember that living with someone in the real world is full of responsibilites, bills and work (not to mention, and I really can't say this enough...you guys are freaking newlyweds!!!!!!). It is not like crashing at someone's house/dorm room/sorority house/frat house/other college scenario.
In terms of going to the Sunday Brunch, I'd say go for it. If she brings stuff up you can at least will have (presumably) resonable people there that will back you up and put this girl in her place...
Oh my gosh! This girl is going crazy! So basically she wants you to spend your money on her, while she saves! Nice!
She sounds like a psycho and needs to grow up. Why on earth does she think she should get a free ride and let you pay for everything? Jeez rude much?!
Boy it takes a lot of restraint to NOT reply. I have like, 4 drafts in a word document. I refuse to send any for at least 24 hours. Maybe Wednesday.
I want to let her know her email/response was out of line (aka ridiculous) but at the same time not cleave the friendship completely. I don't WANT to be her friend anymore but seriously, I want to ensure that things aren't ridiculous if/when we bump into each other. Friend's baby showers, weddings, etc, WILL happen and I will be the bigger person...because i'm a goddamn adult! ha. Trying to be, at least...=]
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| ellisrobertson | 24 |
| fishbone | 21 |
| ndreighton | 18 |
| MsPanda | 14 |
| ladyartichoke | 14 |
| aduarte3201 | 14 |
| mypinkshoes | 12 |
 rdownie1 |
12 |
| pengoala | 11 |
| sylvia.riggle |
11 |
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| sylvia.riggle |
5 |
| peachacid | 4 |
| smcs28 | 3 |
| Zouave | 3 |
| HollyCJ | 3 |
| blueskies7 | 3 |
| armychica06 | 2 |
| imageeksowhat | 2 |
| BellaDee | 2 |
| tenacity | 2 |
