Being sensitive to "waiting" friends in real life

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
451 posts
Helper bee

It’s really sweet that you’re trying to be sensitive to your friends’ needs but, like you said, you have needs too.  What do  you think about laying low, not talking about marriage until you are actually engaged?  Once a ring is on your finger you get to celebrate.  Period.  You don’t have to rub it in their face by calling them 3 times a day to talk about it but you don’t have to be overly modest about one of the biggest events in your life.  They are adults, it really is up to them to deal with their emotions if you arent being blatant about throwing it in their face (which you obviously will not since you’ve been so thoughtful already).  Celebrate, be proud, do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight.  They will have their day to celebrate at some point and then they can share their happiness right back at you.  🙂

 

 

 

Congrats on it coming soon!

 

 

 

Post # 4
Member
489 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

@Sassyfras27:  The bee helped me a lot with this, I’m 24 but FI and I talked about getting engaged and I had friends in relationships that wanted to get engaged and their boyfriends weren’t really into the idea, so I felt “bad” talking to them about it :-/

Post # 7
Member
432 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I totally hear you on this! I’m 24 as well, and FI and I got engaged at the 8 month mark. Its been hard in some ways, because  some of my good friends have been in relationships for 4-5 years, some 2 years and would like to be married soon. I particularly try not to talk about it too much or make it seem like the center of my life, although I’m super excited, in an effort to be sensitive to their feelings.
However, I have a friend who is married, who is super excited for me. And another who is a year younger and engaged who loves wedding talk, so its all good 🙂 

Post # 8
Member
451 posts
Helper bee

@Sassyfras27:  Yeah, there’s always a little truth in just kidding.  But she won’t be pissed at YOU.  Pissed at her boyfriend, yes, or the universe.  But maybe she should be.  If she’s that frustrated with him it may get  her to have a frank talk with him or make a decision about whether they’re even on the same page.

Post # 9
Member
558 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015 - Alexander Homestead

@Sassyfras27:  i have had very similar experiences but throughout my relationship wih SO since i have been in such a great relationship while my friends were in and out with loser boyfriends or remained single the entire time (and weve been together 7 yrs). And it is only recently in the context of engagement. Before, i seemed to make them feel bad just talking about funny things he’s said or sweet thinkgs he’d done. 🙁 I began to not bring him up at all until they asked and I still never gush too much, just to my mom and best friend about how happy he makes me and how fortunate i feel to have him. I completely understand that u dont want to alienate them and point a finger at the short comings in their lives, even if u dont mean to do that in the first Place. I agree with the other Bee though that once you are engaged, dont feel a need or obligation to keep it to urself or not act as happy. its a special time that wont last forever so (without being obnoxious of course) enjoy every minute!!! I sure plan to! 😉

Post # 10
Hostess
9910 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Sassyfras27:  As someone who was waiting a LONG time (8.5 years together before he proposed) this is my advice.  I loved it when my friends got engaged, I was genuinely happy for them and excited for them, but it still stung (especially the ones who had been together much less time than FH and I).  The phrases that hurt the most were ‘don’t worry, I’m sure it’ll be your turn soon’, ‘you’ll understand when you get your ring’, ‘I don’t know what his problem is, why is he waiting so long’ – i heard these things a lot (and variations of them) they did nothing to make me feel better, and often made me feel worse.  I’m sure your friend is excited, if she asks about your wedding planning, talk to her about it, just pay attention to her life too – I noticed that people planning weddings often forget to ask about what’s going on in everyone elses life (which is super easy to do and I’ve caught myself doing it).

You don’t have to avoid talking about your wedding and how excited you are, just make sure it’s not all you talk about.  Some waiting days are worse than others, and keep that in mind 🙂

Post # 12
Member
362 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Sassyfras27:  I’m a very emotional girl and I’m sure that if one close friend had told me she got engaged during the six months I was waiting, I would have been soooo… I don’t know what, but I know I would have had a strong reaction… 

BUT then, a few days later, I would totally come back and apologize and be happy for her. When you are “mercurial”, as my SO calls me, emotions just flood all the channels and we can’t fonction for a few hours or a day after something really stirred us. But the upside is since our emotions are so changeable, all the resentment and bad feelings go away as fast as they came, and we are totally able to act in a decent manner after lol 

So if your friend has a really strong reaction, don’t give up on her right away. She just might come around if you show that you understand and validate what she feels, and give her some time.

Good luck, and congratulations in advance!!!!

Post # 13
Member
1360 posts
Bumble bee

Usually on these types of posts I answer that the OP is being too sensitive – waiting people don’t care as much as people think they do.

But in this case, your friend is obviously upset. For now, I would just not discuss your relationship with her. It sucks, because you mentioned you don’t have many friends yet. But the best thing you can do for her is continue to downplay your excitement. Don’t mention when you get engaged, don’t gush about your wedding. Doing this will avoid making her feel bad AND may make her feel more comfortable with her own situation. However, she may very well end up being excited for you once the ‘sting’ wears off.

If not, make new (married/engaged) friends to talk about your excitedness with. WBee is great for that, but get out there and meet new people!

EDIT: my advice is based on my own situation – I’ve had issues with unhappy “friends” trying to actively seek out negative aspects of my relationship where there were none. It was annoying, so I learned to not discuss my relationship and now I feel comfortable doing that. If you feel like you’d be constantly censoring yourself by following my advice – then don’t. If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your friend – well, you won’t be friends much longer. Being comfortable around each other is super important for friendship. 

Oh and…. OMG HE’S PROPOSING SOON!? You must be so happy! Can’t wait for your engagement post 😛

Post # 14
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

My friends and I aren’t really the “waiting” types. I’ve never even heard of this concept until the bee. However, I was going through the worst breakup of my life when my close friend got engaged. I planned her bridal shower and was happy for her. That’s what adults do…we realize our lives are not going to be identical to our friends’ lives and we celebrate their happiness rather than wishing it for ourselves. My time came and she’s planning a shower for me. It all works out. 

I can understand it may be tough but to have to walk on eggshells because someone is being jealous and immature is ridiculous. 

Post # 15
Member
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

@MsGinkgo:  +1 to being happy but it still STINGS Undecided

@arathella:  and +1 to this as well, I think that OP’s friend is hurt, she’s ready to get engaged and it’s very frustrating that it’s not happening yet.  You said she’s been in a relationship for 4 years?  I don’t care how old you are, when you’ve been in a relationship that long you are thinking about getting married on Overdrive!

@MrsPanda99:  I think it’s good for you that you didn’t have to wait but for some of us (late 20s-30+) we do and it can be a hurtful and painful process at times, with growing pains. I mean this in the best way-If I remember correctly, you are 26, and got married in 4 months of dating is that right? I just think it’s important to clarify this for the other waiting bees who are having a hard time with this, more so now over the holidays…and before I was 26, I was waiting at all nor did I care about waiting because I was far to young to care. 

@Sassyfras27:  OP, I think that people, women in general, are all wired differently.  I’ve been to some people’s engagement parties/weddings/baby showers and I’ve been very happy for them, until recently, after I turned 30 I have gotten the itch to get married.  It wasn’t until my most recent wedding that I attended in July that I was more jealous than happy for the other person.  Part of being an adult is handling these situations with grace and NOT acting out about it, but at the same time, I think it’s important to understand that we will all handle situations differently.  You may have people who will be very happy for you that it’s your turn!  And then you may have some people, even one person, who hasn’t learned how to handle their emotions and will come across the wrong way.  Your friend will need to figure it out on their own-and trust me once they do they will have to live with how they were acting which is a challenge in and of itself. 

Most important OP–Congrats on your pending engagement!!!!!!  Can’t wait to hear the proposal story!!

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