Post # 1
Does anyone else feel like your friends look down on you or judge you because you’re the first to get engaged/married/pregnant/whatever? I hate it. The don’t specifically say anything but they do say things like ‘Oh, I don’t want to get married til I’m 30, I have more important/better things to do than get married.’ etc. Like getting married is so awful and limiting. I just don’t get it.
I got married about 6 months ago and we’re thinking about starting TTC this fall. But when I tell my friends this they look at me in horror and say ‘WHY?!’. I get that everyone does stuff at different speeds, but if this is what I want to do, why make me feel like a loser? Like you’re better than me because you couldn’t possibly see yourself getting married that young? I feel like they think I’ll just be some barefoot and pregnant woman pushing out children 24/7.
And it’s not like I’m 16 trying to play dress up here, I’m 24. I’ll be 25 before having any children. We own our own home, have stable jobs we enjoy, little debt (one car and one small student loan – no cc or personal loans). I just hate being looked down upon because I chose to get married sooner than my friends.My Darling Husband doesn’t get it because he’s older than me and all of his friends already have 1 or 2 kids, so in his friends eyes, we’re already way behind (not that it matters, and they certainly don’t guilt trip anyone).
Guess I’m just looking to commiserate..anyone else going through the same? What do you say to these people? Right now I just do the ‘this is what is right for us’ line. And I wasn’t sure if I should put this under ’20 something’ or in ‘newlyweds’ so I just picked ‘newlyweds’ please feel free to move it if it should be elsewhere, mods.
Post # 3
We have friends in pretty much every age range. I’m already 30 and nowhere near ready for children, so my family thinks I’m falling behind a bit. But I have friends who are still in college & they sometimes forget that I’m 30 and getting married this year. I guess it’s just who you surround yourself with. We have married friends, college friends, perpetually single 30-something friends, so we don’t really feel like we’re judged by anyone in our lives. Except my grandma- she thinks I should have started having kids AGES ago. She actually said at Thanksgiving dinner not last year but the year before “I want to be around when you have kids, and at the rate you’re going I’ll be DEAD!” ZOMG- really gramma, you are planning to kick off soon? Sheesh.
Anyway, sorry you feel like that though. And sorry I don’t have any wonderful advice for ya 🙁
Post # 4
@DaneLady: I think you hit the nail on the head, I don’t have a lot of friends in different age ranges. Most of my friends are from college, and have since moved away. So I rarely see them, and they’re all starting these fabulous careers whereas I couldn’t afford to finish school, and while I like my job it certainly isn’t anything spectacular.
I need to make some new friends that have more in common with me, but I don’t really know where to start? That sounds so pathetic.
Post # 5
If it makes you feel any better, I’m on the exact opposite end of the spectrum and feeling like you. I was the last of all my friends (dear lord a Southern girl not married by 23, the horror!!) to get married at 26. My husband is 32 so he’s definitely WAY behind on the kid front where his group of friends are concerned. They’re all having kids (some are on baby 3!!) and we’ve just been married 4 months. I feel so behind even though I know we’re on the perfect timeline for us. I don’t have any great advice for you, but just thought I’d sympathize. Being on a different timeline that everyone around you can really suck.
Post # 6
Do you guys have any hobbies/extracirricular activities/volunteer organizations? I met a lot of really cool people by running with some local running groups (through RRRC.org if you’re in Richmond) and I made some friends by volunteering at our local SPCA. It’s great to meet people with similar interests, and they’re in a lot of different age groups. I heart variety 🙂
Post # 7
It’s also a lot about where you live and where your friends are from. My undergraduate friends all planned to be married by 26 (my age now) wheras my grad school friends all said career first we’ll get married around 30. Why you can’t have a career while married is beyond me…I certainly do…but the result is that my college friends think I’m normal and my grad school friends think I’m cutting edge.
IT’s also the area. I’m in DC and people are obsessive about jobs here and being in the know and networking. I can see how people would not have time for marriage.
Post # 8
Fiance and I have friends in a lot of different age ranges and he has several friends that are married already. None of my friends are married so I will be the first. A friend from high school even commented that it was funny I was the first to get married because I never dated in high school. I’m not really concerned about being the first in my group of friends to get married…a few of them are engaged now too.
I’m more worried about being the first to have a kid. I know my friends will be waiting longer than Fiance and I to have children so it will kind of suck to be the only couple with a kid. One of the few married couples were friends with that has a kid lives 8 hours away so I won’t have any “mom” friends. Hopefully once we have a kid we will meet more couples with kids!
Post # 9
I have gotten ‘this’ response from some people too. Before my wedding I was told that I was crazy for getting married just before I turned 22( dh was 24), that they would personally wait a lot longer to get married, etc. *eyeroll*
I love these girls, I really do…. but I have put a little distance in our relationship since these comments. In the end, you have to do what is right for you… TTC at a certain time, etc. These are very real decisions any newlywed couple will face and personally I don’t think mid-twenties is a bad time for having kids! Darling Husband and I are in the same situation debating whether we want to have kids early or wait till I’m almost 30. There are positives and negatives to each side and no one has the right to tell you differently how you should live your life.
Post # 10
@DaneLady: I WANT to be more involved in hobbies, etc. In fact, I just volunteered to help with an art festival in two weeks. I’ve tried looking for book or wine clubs but just haven’t really found anything. And I’m not really athletic, lol.
@Beansy: Funny you mentioned DC, because thats where the comments come from most. My best friend is incredibly career driven and she lives there. But shes also judgey on her own, lol. I love her though.
Thanks for your thoughts everyone. Glad to see I’m not the only one.
Post # 11
I feel you!
I’m 19 going on 20! Woot Woot! haha and Fiance is nearing 25. Girls and guys my age around here tend to look at me in shock and horror when I say I’m getting married next year. His friends are looking at him and telling him to hurry up and get on the baby boat since many of them already have one if not two children by now. We are the frst though out of all our friends on both sides to be getting married. We are doing things at the right speed for us. I’ll be graduating with my undergrad degree next month!! and he is working on his second undergrad. It’s not like we are pretending, rushing, or just marrying eachother out of lust; we know that, our parents know that too, so we kind of just have to smile and ignore everyone else. Your not alone!! 🙂