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MY DH is freelance. He used to work at a site that was open weekends and holidays. It sucks, especially when you have plans for a couple days out and then work comes up, which he rarely can turn down because of the nature of the job. The worst is not being around for holidays like everyone else. I've tried to dig up some bright sides--he is usually off a few days during the week, and he looks after our pup and does housework. And, our TV viewing habits are VERY different so it's nice to get the TV ALLLL to myself when he's gone :) I hear ya though.
I have a family member that's a chef. And his wife describes the exact same issues you do. I think that's the biggest downfall to that career...you are working when most other people have time off - evenings and weekends.
And if your SO is like my cousin, when he's home, the last thing he wants to do is cook. His wife actually does quite a bit of cooking and they eat out a lot!
My boyfriend owns a pizza restaurant and he also works 60+ hours a week. I don't get to see him a lot during the week and he is also busy on the weekends. Like you I MISS him like crazy! It sucks when he has to cancel on me when they get swamped or an employee doesn't show. He takes Sunday's off and we spend all day together and if it's an important event he will take it off also, but he is a workaholic! I keep busy with friends and school.
Funny, that's exactly why I chose science over culinary school - although I do love to cook, I did not want to deal with those hours!
Not my life anymore but I worked in a restaurant through college so I empathize -
@Neva: I do most of the cooking at home also. he cooks when we have something expensive, like seafood that I'm afraid to mess up haha I would feel bad making him cook for e after a long day
@cherrydoll: He gets sundays off also, it's really nice to have a weekend-day with him. some people aren't even THAT lucky! school keeps me busy too but i'm feeling his absence more since it's summer :/
@MsJeep23: haha! having the tv to myself is a plus!
Thanks for the support! It's nice to know i'm not the only out there in this situation
Yep, I can empathize! FI started off in food science, but his love for cooking got the best of him, and he went back to school. He's been Red Seal certified for about 5 years now, and he loves it! It's funny he ended up becoming a chef, though, as he's always complained that he never saw his father growing up (he's a chef, as well), and that he didn't want to be away from family, etc. I guess you just can't fight what you love, though.
Thankfully, he's sort of transitioning into teaching hospitality and tourism at the local college (also like his father--LMAO), so his schedule is more relaxed, and easy to work around, but it's been a long few years for us.
I had a friend who was a chef and he hated cooking when he got home since he did it all day at work, but I didnt realize the hours were so intensive
My SO is a sub contractor & owns a topical (which is like moisture barrier for flooring, in case anyone wondered) company. He works 6-7 days a week, 12-14 hr days so i'm missing him alot :( Esp. when he has to go out of town for jobs. It's hard, I know, but it just makes it that much better when they get home ;)
@brighteyedgirl: I have a feeling that he'll switch to teaching or something also, so maybe by the time we have kids I won't have to do it alone!
@bells: yea he very rarely makes meals at home. & he always eats at work so I pretty much just cook for myself. I didn't know how crazy the hours were either until a few months ago!
@Mrs.Lonestar: I think FI feels really guilty that he missed out on so much with our DD. She'll be 7 in Sept., and right now he's on a total baby/TTC kick. As a matter of fact, just last night he said, "I want to be around for it all this time." Bless his heart.
@Mrs.Lonestar: I hope it gets better! I'm definately trying to keep busy since it's summer.. lots of hiking, tv, and reading. He's telling me it won't always be like this, that he's working hard for us and our future..crossing my fingers he won't always be working 6 days!
Even on his days off the restaurant is calling him. It pisses me off! How hard is it to make a pizza?!
My husband is a Suez Chef (I think that's how you spell it) and his hours are always changing. It really bothered me at first, especially since my social life is non existant and the only person I have around is our busy 2 year daughter but I've just learned to enjoy my time while he's gone. Read, enjoy a clean house, watch what I want to watch on TV....It makes the days when he doesn't have to work that much better.
OMG. I had to read that twice. Thought I wrote it for a moment. Seriously. My guy was a chef earlier in his career and has since moved to the front of the house as a restaurant manager. Same story as yours: he works CONSTANTLY, nights, weekends, all holidays, no days off. Doesn't help that I work a morning office job. And because he works all the time I do all the cooking and when he is around we usually eat out.
We've been dating just over 2 years and I'm still trying to figure out how to cope. Espeically when we have problems. He's never around and any time he's around and there's a bump in the road it feels 100 times worse because it might be another week before I see him for a couple hours again and I just lost my one opportunity to have a nice evening with him. And I'm not sure how, if we ever get married, we'd ever have children. I'd essentially be a single mother. YES, I've talked to him about this.
Sorry to hijack your concerns. But I'd like to know how to deal as well. I am SUPER independent but even the most independent person in a relationship occassionally has problems coping with being lonely all the time.
My SO is also a Chef. I never imagined I'd be this lonely. He leaves the house at 9am and comes home 11pm or later...7 days a week....holidays.....weekends....Every time he thinks he'll get some time off one of his staff quits...or something happens...When he is home he just falls asleep.
It doesn't get better.
I think you either have to accept it and create your own life around him...or move on.
I am really struggling with this right now. Our dating anniversary is coming up on the September long weekend and I know I'm going to be disappointed because he won't take time off.In almost three years we've had ONE weekend away. ONE.
I would like him to take a Sous Chef position rather than Executive Chef just so he doesn't have the responsibility and his schedule will be more flexible. I think it's a pride thing for him to think he's "demoting" himself, but our future and our relationship are at stake.
I'm glad I got this off my chest.
i wondered how the hours work for a chef, lunchtime and then dinner time - do they come home in between the 2 meals, stay at work prepping??
@eloping: Mine stays at work in the kitchen ALL.DAY.LONG. Cleaning/prepping...there is always something to do.
my husband loves cooking and has "trailed" in a restaurant kitchen where his buddy is a sous chef a few times, but the hours/schedule are what's keeping him from actually pursuing it for real...i totally sympathize, i kind of worry that hubs is going to want to quit his (standard-schedule) job for a kitchen, and it would just be so hard
I hear ya, OP.
SO and I are both pro cooks, and working in the same kitchen, no less. If I wasn't in the industry, I don't know how I would deal with it. As it is, we rarely have the same days off and we're both so tired at the end of a shift that the time we do get to spend together is on the couch with take-out.
I have a total love-hate relationship with the food industry. =/
@eloping: Sandollar is right on this one -- cooks prep between lunch and dinner service. Between 3 and 5 PM is the only real down-time in a kitchen and there's A LOT to get done.
@Sandollar: I'm sorry you are having such a hard time :(
I accepted the lifestyle a while ago, but it doesn't make it any less difficult, ya know?
What are your plans as far as getting engaged, if you don't mind me asking?
@eloping: Man, what I would do to see him for a couple hours between the meals. :) It's an all day process.
It's amazing how something as wonderful as good food can cause such personal strife.
@Mrs.Lonestar: We got engaged last October after 2 years of dating...and moved in together last December. Things were much better for awhile because he had a job with "normal" hours and staff that showed up.
Jump ahead a few months and he's had 2 heart attacks and took back an old job where he is appreciated but it's a 1/2 hour commute and in the middle of nowhere so he can never find kitchen staff to stay.
Not only do I feel sorry for myself for being lonely, but I'm afraid he's just going to drop dead. His doctor told him to take time off and that we needed a vacation together and he didn't do that either.
I DID tell him this week that enough was enough and he's been applying for jobs closer to home and HOPEFULLY he'll get a #2 position so he has more freedom. i don't care if he makes less money. There are SO many things more important! Stubborn,stubborn,stubborn...
We have just over a year before our wedding. I wanted a long engagement just for this reason. If he can't make the lifestyle changes he needs to I don't know if I can go through with it. I think I'd be setting myself up for failure.
I'm no gem myself. I only work 4-5 hours a day and I'm in my 40's with no children...my friends have moved on without me...I'm a homebody....I have many good acquaintances but few "buddies." I know I need to find something to keep busy. Still, seeing him for 1/2 hour in the AM and 1/2 hour in the PM just doesn't cut it. He knows. He seems to be trying to change his situation at the moment but it's never fast enough.
@Sandollar:sorry I haven't checked this thread in a while!
A long engagement is the route we chose too. Primarily because we're young but I think that it's a good idea, like you said, to see more what his schedule will be like once things settle. He's starting at a new restaurant next week so we'll see how that goes.
The new restaurant is a scratch kitchen so lord knows how much i'll be able to see him!
I hope your FI slows down especially for his health! Thanks for sharing :)
I have an update:
FI had a heart attack on Sunday. He is OK and is taking some time off.
He just wore himself out. He's been sleeping for 2 days and I'm finally starting to see glimpses of the man I met. He's definitely not going back to work at the same place. Will keep you guys posted. What a rough week!
My husband is a Shef! Does that count! It's our last name. I even made his a Chef Shef apron for the fun of it. He may bot be an actual Chef but our hours conflict COMPLETELY. I usually work night shifts while he goes ot class/work during the day so I totally understand. We just have to throw our temper tantrums every now and then, get moody and upset about it, and then realize it is for our future. Put our big kid pants back on and battle through it. Oh and date nights. Scheduled date nights. They saved our relationship!
I'm a pastry chef. But I got pretty lucky with my job. I got a job working for a company that caters only breakfast and lunch. I also make desserts for a restaurant that is affiliated with the caterers. But I have all holidays and weekends off. But I do work 4:30pm - whenever (usually midnight, but sometimes as late as 5am).
@SandyDollHair: Whoah! I just saw this! I am so sorry! I will keep him in my prayers.
My brother is in the restaurant business and his hours are like that. He misses out on so much. The pay is good, he enjoys it, but his ex complained about it (that is not the reason why she is his ex).
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Anyone else out there who is dating a chef?
Everyone always says "oh you're so lucky" "i bet he cooks for you all the time!" Well it really isn't as great as one may think. The crazy hours are really what kill me. He works 60-70 hours a week! usually he goes in the afternoon and doesn't come home until midnight or later.
Our relationship isn't suffering because of it, I just MISS HIM!! he misses family events sometimes, fridays and saturdays of course are always busy at the restaurant. He really makes an effort to come to important events with me so I gotta give him credit for that :)and he always does things to make me feel special
I guess I'm just wondering how you deal with having an SO who has crazy work hours?