Post # 1
I was told to shut up today by my FI.
I told him that I felt that was very disrespectful and he should apologize. He said he wasn’t going to apologize because I just go on and on about things according to him. I told him I didn’t think that was fair. The only reason I went on about this thing was because he kept talking about it and I was responding to what he said.
He eventually gave me an apology that I suspected wasn’t sincere and he later confirmed this for me by saying shortly after, “I don’t even know why I apologized.”
I am left feeling extremely disrespected. Maybe he’s right and I do repeat myself sometimes, but even if I do, I still don’t think it is ever ok to tell your partner to shut up.
I don’t know what to do about this. He’s acting like everything’s fine now, but for me it’s not. And I know if I bring this up he will only say I am going on about it and that I can’t let things go.
Has anyone else had this said to them? How did you handle it? I would really appreciate any advice anyone has on how to improve our communication.
Post # 3
Only jokingly, we’d never tell each other that and mean it. I agree, very disrespectful, and the w fact that he sees nothing wrong with it is even more concerning
Post # 4
I think you need to bring it up with him again if it is bothering you (and it would definitely bother me!). He should have found a more respectful way to tell you that you were talking about something for a long period of time and it annoyed him. Telling you to shut up is both counterproductive and hurtful. He needs to find a different and better way to use his words!
Post # 5
I don’t mean to be dismissive but really no one has ever told you to shut up?
Me and FI frequently will tell each other to shut up (and mean it).
Post # 6
@dontstopbeelievin: honestly if it were me: now that things have cooled down I would explain to him that being told to shut up is something you’re NOT okay with and their are other ways to get a point across. My sister and her husband use a code word. They use the word when one of them feels rehe conversation is no longer constructive and is headed toward destructive.
At that point they give each other 15 min of alone time to cool off. Then try again if need be.
When I first started dating my FI I told him I expected to be treated with respect and certain things were NOT ok. He told me the things he wasn’t okay with and we don’t fight dirty because we know better
Post # 7
@mallo: There’s a difference between asking someone to be quiet if they won’t stop talking and telling them to shut up. My boyfriend talks ALL THE TIME and I have to sometimes ask him nicely to stop talking because it’s too much. If I ever told him to shut up (not jokingly), he would be really mad at me. He already gets a little upset when I ask him to stop because he feels I’m not listening to him.
It’s very disrespectful just because of the way he said it. If he asked nicely, it’s completely valid. Sometimes you just can’t handle all the talking. But telling you to shut up is rude, and I think you need to make him realize that he can express the same feelings in a more respectful way.
Post # 8
NOBODY tells me to shut up and gets away with it. Ask me to be quiet, no problem. Ask me to drop it for now, and ok. But Shut Up. Hell no. It IS disrespectful and you need to calmly let your FI know that it is NOT ok to tell you to shut up.
Post # 9
What were you guys talking about? Even if you were talking a bit much and he said something heated in the moment– your feelings should matter to him.
Post # 10
@dontstopbeelievin: I don’t think there is anything wrong with the premise of letting someone know you are tired of hearing about an issue. I don’t think “shut up” is the best word choice, but when someone is feeling annoyed sometimes they say things without thinking. I would suggest you tell him to choose his words a little more carefully but also be open to his feedback – people who repeat themselves and won’t let something go drive me nuts. I’d want to say shut up too. What I would likely say is, “I don’t want to discuss this anymore.”
Also, I wouldn’t suggest forcing or asking for an apology. There is no point in telling someone to say words – they have no meaning that way. Chances are, it is going back to the same issue – he apologized to get you to stop nagging him but he didn’t really mean it. Apologies have to be sincere and come from within a person to mean anything and then the person also has to work at not repeating the same mistake. If he doesn’t see it as a mistake, he won’t have any trouble repeating it.
Post # 11
If you really do go on about things (and let’s face it, most of us have been guilty occasionally) then it can get very tiresome for the listener. However, telling someone bluntly to “shut up” doesn’t really solve anything. There are more tactful and appropriate ways to put an end to a seemingly endless conversation. So just say that you’d prefer a little more tact in future.
My DH is a great one for telling you the same story repeatedly. They are good stories but sometimes you haven’t got the stamina to hear it again. So I tend to say, cheerfully, “I think I’ve heard this one before, haven’t I?” which he knows is shorthand for “Do shut up, there’s a good chap.”
Post # 12
@luckylady3090: We weren’t even talking about anything important really. We had gone to see the location of one of our potential vendors. When we got there, there was obviously no one there, there was not a single car in the parking lot. As it was an office building with individual suites inside, my FI suggested we try the door anyway to see if we could see where their office is within the building. I said that it’s probably locked since no one is here. He started arguing with me that maybe they leave the main door unlocked for mail people. I pointed out there’s no mail on Sunday. Then he started challenging me about whether or not there’s mail on Sundays. I eventually said “ok, let’s try the door then”. But he was already driving away and said to just forget it. So basically, we were going back and forth and then he told me to shut up. I am trying to see what I did wrong but in my view, I was only responding to things he was saying which I felt were argumentative.
Post # 13
@mallo: Same here.
Not frequently, but sometimes he really pisses me off, or vice versa. But, we’ve been together for four years so now we can get our aggression out and know that we still love and cherish eachother. Now if he called me a curse word, then it would be a big deal.
Post # 14
This sounds exactly how FI and I argue. He thinks I repeat myself but he really repeats himself. He tells me to shut up, to which I’m not afraid to tell him to shut up right back.
We all get into arguements. But if it’s still bothering you, you should bring it up again. It doesn’t bother me when he says it because we bounce right off each other- but all couples fight their own ways.
Post # 15
@mallo: My FI and I have never said that to each other in a mean/serious way and I would be appaled as well if he did. Every couple is different, and if you’re calm and don’t fight or call each other names, it would feel very different than if you were used to that kind of interaction.
@dontstopbeelievin: Obviously I don’t know your FI, but if it were me I would just bring it up again when he’s not mad anymore and tell him that it hurt your feelings. To me, the most important thing in my relationship is being able to tell him how I’m feeling, especially when I’m upset about something. Just make sure you are also being calm and polite when you bring it up.
Post # 16
I’ve never told my husband to shut up – he has said it to me. Believe me, I have fire in my eyes when that happens. A few years ago he had quite the habit of that, but I would firmly tell him it was unacceptable, then leave the room or go home. If he wanted to be disrespectful, he’d have to resort to the cat, because I sure as shit wouldn’t sit back and let someone be so hurtful to me. My husband had a lot of growing up to do early on in our relationship…and only by his own will and the fact that I wouldn’t put up with it did it happen.
You’re right – seriously telling someone to ‘shut up’ because you’re butthurt about being wrong is unacceptable. Well, saying it seriously period is unacceptable. Is this common behavior for him when he feels pressured, cornered or otherwise defeated?