Post # 1
I am wondering what people think of this situation.
My fiance and I have been together for 4 years, and will be getting married in 1 year.
We were lucky to have parents who graciously gave us vehicles when we were younger, and paid for our insurance. Some of my friends are in a similar (if not better) situation, where their parents pay for nearly everything for them. (We are all in our early 20s).
The problem I am having is that I feel used by our friends. Everyone always expects us to drive everywhere, and will call us and ask if we can pick them up, but never offer to drive themselves. One of my friends comes from a very wealthy family, and always expects people to drive him around because he is too lazy to get his license. On top of that, he lives outside of the town that the rest of us live in, so it takes at least an hour, there and back, to drive him home. Some of my other friends just won’t drive ever, even though they have vehicles and their gas is paid for.
On top of that, I am usually the only person who invites people over to my house. Nobody else ever offers! I don’t mind having people over (I enjoy it), but I would like it if people would offer their own home & vehicles once in a while.
What can I do to stop this dependency everyone has on me & my fiance?
I will humbly say that we are kind people, and so we drive people or invite them over out of our love & friendship with them, but it does sometimes get really annoying and I really wish it would stop.
Edit: And sometimes when our friends do decide they will drive, they don’t offer to pick us up! And I feel awkward calling them and asking them to pick us up, beause they know we have our own vehicle.
Edit 2: AND I did spend a period of time (a couple months) never inviting anyone over. Sometimes people would assume they could all come over and they would say, "Why don’t we go to K’s house?". And then I would just brush them off saying, "No… why not M’s house?". So they would give me funny looks, not understanding why I was declining. It’s like they expect that my house is an open door all the time. And in a way, it is, because I like having people over, but I wouldn’t mind as much if they would offer once in a while!
Post # 3
I think lots of people have this issue with friends. I know when I was younger my dad gave me his old car when he got a new one. I had a car and I was grateful, but I hardly ever drove with friends since it had a few…unique features. There was no AC, the back doors wouldn’t open from the inside, the muffler was perpetually broken, there was no radio, the windshield wipers often come undone with any little use, ect. So no one really wanted to ride in it. BUT I always tried to pay my friends some gas money. Can you do that. Sure I can drive, but I’ll need you to chip in on gas money. Maybe then they might rather drive?
As for others not being hosts, I would stop hosting as much and see what people do. Or stop playing driver so often. Your friends are used to being coddled and haven’t seemed to adapted to relationships that invole a more equal level of reciprocity.
Post # 4
oye, just read your update! I don’t know…I think you’re probably going to just flat out say " We love having you guys over, but it would be nice if someone else played host more often" and "We don’t mind driving, but can’t always do so"
Post # 5
If you don’t want to get confrontational, you have to stop putting yourselves in situations where everyone is relying on you and your FI for a ride. This may mean declining an invitation to hang out one night when you know your friends will be counting on you for rides there or home. You can do this a few times so they get used to finding alternative transportation, and I would recommend still being uncommital about your plans until the last minute so they’re not depending on you. It’s a little passive aggressive, but depending on everyone’s temperments, it may be the better way to handle it.
As far as everyone always coming to your place, the next time someone suggests it just say "we’re sick of hanging out at our place, it’s your turn!" or something like that. They’re your friends, so they will want to see you regardless of where it is.
Post # 6
You and your FI need to learn how to say the word "No" to your friends. Its tough when you are a generous person to put your foot down, but ultimately you’ll feel better than if you continue to be their doormat. Also, they need to learn the way the world actually works – namely that grown ups have to take responsibility for themselves and can’t expect others to cater to them all the time. And your lazy rich friend should get a driver’s license. That’s just sad and pathetic.
Post # 7
Thanks for all the good advice! Being uncommittal to any event sounds like a great idea. Of course sometimes that wouldn’t work, when an event is already pre-planned, such as a dinner at a restaurant, but most of the time it could work. Learning to say "NO" is also something I have to do. If anyone else has opinions/ideas, though, I’d love to hear them! I need more phrases to be able to throw out there! Can’t always say the same thing. 😉
I just remembered another situation that you might be interested to hear…
One night we were out(side) at a community event, and a few of us decided to order pizza. I offered to pay the delivery guy since I had a couple 20s in my wallet. However, after I paid, NO ONE paid me back! To make it worse, there were a few pieces of pizza left over and Friend #1 said, "Oh, great! I can take a piece for lunch tomorrow!". Then Friend #2 said, "Good idea! I’ll take a couple as well!". At that point, I was really upset and I could no longer contain my anger so I said, "Um, I was actually going to take that pizza for lunch tomorrow. And I did pay for it, after all." Then there was silence, followed by, "Oh, all right" from my friends. Needless to say, they were upset at me for the rest of the evening. My FI was also a little upset because he thought I was being rude. But I really had had enough!