Post # 1
Hi ladies, I’m new here 🙂 I’ve been lurking and this seems like such a safe, kind environment to get advice from, so here is goes.
I’ve been with my BF for almost 2 years, he’s wonderful and I’m SURE we will get engaged soon, when I finish grad school (next Spring). I met him in California and he is originally form Colorado, so we just moved back there to be closer to family. While I was in CA for 2 years I met a guy that I became very close friends with. I met him while dating my BF, and never had feelings for him, we just always could talk about whatever, get a beer, laugh, he would tell me his girl problems, etc. So, he got in a relstionship that became exclusive quickly with a very sweet girl who then I became friends with. GF never saw a problem with friend guy and I talking/hanging out since I had a serious BF myself. The 4 of us would even hang out occasionally. my BF also knows/has known the entire time about my frienship with this other guy.
One night close to around when my BF and I were planning to move, friend guy and I went out for a drink. There was something different about him the entire night but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Almost like he was looking at me differently. We stayed out talking until the bar closed at 2, and then went back to his place and hung out with his rommates and GF who were still up since it was a Saturday night. When I left I gave him a big hug and that was that. He texted me the next few days asking to hang out one more time because he was going home for the summer to help out his parents business. I never could because I was so busy packing. He went home and so did I and we weirdly didn’t talk for a month or 2. So, out of the blue 3 nights ago he texts me saying he misses me. I reply that I haven’t made many friends yet in CO and I miss him too. Then he says “no, I really miss you.” I asked him what he meant, I thought he may have been out with buddies drinking at a bar because it was around 11 at night. He then proceeds to tell me how much he’s always loved me and no one will ever compare to me, and he’s not himself since I left. I stopped responding because I thought it was drunk talk. The next day he texted asking why I didn’t answer him. I told him it was because he was drunk. He told me he wasn’t and was just thinking about me. He tried to distance himself from me after I moved so he could get over me, but he has never stopped thinking about me and he would do anything to be with me, he said.
I expected him to tell me he and his GF broke up, but they are still together. I told him I felt awkward hearing all of this from him since he was still with his GF, but he has since been texting me asking me if I would ever consider dating him, etc. Since I am still friends with his GF I feel obligated to tell her. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? I have been her in relationships before, being strung along is the worst thing in the world IMO. If I were her I would want someone to tell me. thought, any help would be GREATLY appreciated! Thanks 🙂
Post # 3
@redpanda29: I would cut off contact with him, and maybe limit time with his GF too. It is disrespectful toward both you and your BF that he said this to you – he should’ve kept his thoughts to himself. You were his friend first so I wouldn’t feel obligated to tell his GF but if you do, be warned that it could end both friendships with him and her.
Post # 4
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
Oh yuck, I don’t envy you that!!!! I have no idea what I would do. 🙁
Post # 5
I had not one, but three guy friends tell me they liked me as more than a friend at different points. None of them pushed the issue as they all respect my FI, but it is definatly awkward to have it out in the open.
In my case, none of them were with any one at the time when they made the confession, and none of them pushed the issue. It was a casual conversation and more of “If you weren’t dating FI, I would totally make a pass at dating you.”
In your case, first, you are under no obligation to tell his GF. I also probably would not tell his GF. I don’t get from your post you know what their current relationship is like. Maybe they are in a rough patch, and he is romantising his friendship with you. This happens to both guys and girls. If that is the case, either they will break up, or they will smooth out the rough patch and he will get over it. Telling his GF will not help in either case.
As far as you personally, I would basically tell him that you are not interested, and that this needs to stop. He is putting what ever is left of your friendship in jeapordy.
Post # 6
@redpanda29: No, I wouldn’t tell her. It sounds like he would break up with her if you wanted to be with him. He hasn’t/isn’t cheating on her, and he might love and be happy with her if it wasn’t for this fixation on you. You should tell him you don’t reciprocate and quit talking to him, since you also have a boyfriend.
Post # 7
@redpanda29: Cut him off hun. If you want to stay with you BF its better that way. Also, dont say anything to the girl.
Post # 8
@redpanda29: I wouldn’t tell the girlfriend.
However I would tell the guy that you are uncomfortable with his declarations of love, as you have a boyfriend. Tell him that you only think of him as a friend and want it to remain that way. If he keeps pressing you and texting you, then you need to cut it off. Its hard, but part of being a friend is maintaining certain boundaries, and if he keeps texting you lovey crap, then he is crossing those.
Post # 9
@redpanda29: Honestly I wouldn’t tell her. She may believe you or she may think you are trying to mess up her relationship. As for him he’s being very disrespectful of your relationship.
One of my closest male friends finally admitted after months of very odd behavior that he was in love with me. He knows I’m in a serious relationship and only confessed after I point blank cornered him and demanded to know why he was being so weird.
It’s one thing to just inform someone that you are in love with them but the fact that he keeps pestering to know if you’d date him etc is completely selfish.
You are in a relationship, you need to set up boundaries with this guy immediately. I would honestly remove him from your life at least for a set period to allow him to get over you.
Post # 10
@redpanda29: Hey! Welcome!
I don’t think I would tell her… YET.
I’d, first of all, tell my BF what’s happening. Then I would have a serious talk with this guy you say is your best friend. Tell him you don’t want to hurt him but you don’t feel the same way about him, and that you think you should spend sometime appart.
Also tell him to focus on his GF and that she doesn’t deserve for him to go behind her back like this. If she loves her, he should go and try to make things right with her, if he doesn’t love her, then he should rethink what he is doing dating her and discuss those things with her, so they are both on the same page.
Tell him that you don’t feel it is fair for anyone (both of you nor your respective partners) to remain friends until all this feelings get fixed.
Then be very strict with cutting out all contact, because it can be hard and heartbreaking.
EDIT: I said YET because if the guy gets really annoying and pushing after you talk to him to cut him off, I would tell the girl.
Post # 11
@Misswhowedding: I agree with a lot of what you said. I do not want to ruin my friendship with him, I have already told him there would never be any way I would leave my BF, ever, for him or anyone else. He says he understands, but he just couldn’t just never tell me how he felt. I then inquired how him and his GF were, and he said “good, just normal”. I have a feeling he is not telling me everything, and they are perhaps in a rough patch as you said.
He has even gone as far to say that he would leave his GF today, that he doesn’t love her and he doesn’t think he ever has (they’ve been together about a year now). I feel terrible for his GF as she is so sweet and she is completely head over heels for him.
Post # 12
Cut him off. He told you he loved you – the friendship is forever changed.
Anything less than cutting him off is just you keeping him around for kicks. Cut him off.
Post # 13
@redpanda29: if he feels this way about the girl, he should break up with her even if you don’t love him back. That’s not fair for the girl.
Post # 14
Yikes…that’s a messy situation. I’ve had a couple of instances with single guy friends being extremely interested in me before or while I’ve dated my SO. One of them is one of my best friends since middle school, and he actually took a couple of classes with SO while they were at the same college. Small world, huh? We’re still close friends, SO knows full well about him, and there’s zero awkwardness. More recently, though, I just had a major come-to-Jesus conversation with a close guy friend who still likes me even though he accepts and respects my relationship with SO. The conversations finally got too personal for what I considered appropriate for me and my relationship, so we mutually agreed to cut off contact for a while. I immediately told SO everything, and he trusts me completely and was very grateful I told him.
Biggest advice I can give based on my experiences is this: Keep ALL lines of communication open. Be open and honest with your SO so he has no reason to doubt the relationship. That speaks highly of your character and fidelity. Also, definitely cut off communication with this friend for a while. I would hate to see a broken friendship, but if you’re serious about marrying your SO, then protect that relationship (and your own heart!) at all costs. Hopefully some time away will also help your friend deal with his feelings and whether or not he stays with his GF.
Best of luck to you, OP! It sounds like have a wonderful SO and a very healthy relationship, so I’m sure everything will work out.
Post # 15
@redpanda29: I think your best option here is to let him know that you’re happily in a relationship and you don’t see that changing. Maybe when he let’s go of “what if” he can move on.
People wonder about things in their life. This man is obviously wondering if he missed a connection. He’s wondering if maybe he took the wrong path, maybe you love him and you’re supposed to be together.
You don’t love him and won’t be together so just end his “what if” game so he doesn’t have to wonder.
Then let him sort out his own relationship based on what he discovers about himself when he realizes that you weren’t “the one that got away” you were just a friend and he has other options.
Post # 16
@AnaA: Oh, also I should add in my BF knows ALL of this. He sees these texts and he’s been an advocate that I tell my friends GF. I also have the same feeling a lot of ladies here that she would probably think I was in love with my guy friend and I was simply just trying to ruin their relationship. I know it’s not my business really, but they are both my friends, and I just don’t want anyone getting hurt. I’m so frustrated!