Post # 1
ok i will start off by first saying my shift key is broke so apologies for the capitilization…
my best friend who is married to fi’s cousin, and her husband are getting divorced. she no longer wanted to be married and be free to do whatever she wants. i don’t want to talk to her about this because i dont want to add anymore to her plate, but i feel all of this going on is really affecting fi and i’s relationship. i am beginning to get scared, and wonder if marriage is the right thing… if things could ever work out forever… i mean, the whole reason fi and i met is because she married his cousin! plus she’s my moh.. i try really hard to be supportive to both of them but it’s tearing me up too. i am getting married in 5 months and this has really made me reevaluate marriage. my parents are going through divorce also. i have watched my friend become someone i hardly recognize… shes always unhappy, very defensive all the time… I just don’t know bee’s. i now find myself distancing myself from fi… like i am protecting us both. i also find that i am always focusing on the negative things about fi.. which is hard cause hes damn near perfect… ughhh i dont know. i feel so lost right now. i have felt so lonely throughout my engagement. my parents are dealing with their many issues, my best friend is dealing with her stuff, and i just don’t feel right talking about alot of wedding stuff to either of them. and i really don’t have anyone else. plus, i dont want to make everything all about me when i know they are going through a difficult time…. sigh….
anyone ever been there? how did you get through it? are you happily married?
Post # 3
Every situation is unique. Someone else’s bad decisions or bad relationships have no bearing on the choises you’ve made for yourself. Statistically, some relationships make it and some don’t – it’s up to you and how you feel about your relationship to make it work. One data point does not a trend make – be careful about letting someone else’s life derail everything you believe in.
Post # 4
let me tell you right now that both our parents have been married for over 25 years and that’s helped us believe that marriage is a great thing and can work.
my SO’s mum and dad went through a really hard patch when he was a litle boy. they had no money and his dad worked 3 jobs so she could stay and look after the children. it was when the recession hit in the early 90s i think when everyone started getting divorced – including my MIL’s best friend. one day my Mother-In-Law went home to her husband and said ‘we’re not getting on – i think we should get a divorce’. his response? ‘no i’m not divorcing you – you need to stop hanging out with your stupid friends.’
that was 20 years ago and when i see them now they’re as happy as ever.
my parents have been together for 27 years. when i was a teenager my mum and dad went through a really hard patch. my mum didn’t speak to me for months, and whenever my dad wanted to speak to me, he’d have to call from the car so she didn’t find out (i think she was going through the menopause because she was crazyeeeee) but after a year or so that fizzled out and the two of them are really happy again.
in my opinion, people get divorced far too quickly these days. marriage doesn’t mean the end of arguments, but it also shouldn’t mean losing yourself. if you give your marriage the hard work it deserves you can combat everything. even a bad patch can be overcome if you just try. I know it must be difficult when you’re surrounded by break ups, but don’t let that affect your relationship.
you’re getting married! you’re in love! don’t let your friend make it all about her – be for her once your wedding is over, but don’t let her broken marriage ruin the start of a wonderful one for you.
Post # 5
This sounds like a really tough situation. I can’t say I’ve been there but I can only imagine how stressful it is to have two couples very close to you going through divorces at the same time, let alone while you are trying to plan a wedding! It must feel very lonely. I guess I’d say that just because you’re seeing the divorces happen, that doesn’t change your chance of success. Obviously no one knows what the future will hold but I generally do not advocate making major life decisions based on/coming from a place of fear. Focus on the positive as best you can!
Post # 6
I think its definitely normal to have these types of feelings at some point before marriage. I mean, you are making a life long commitment to be with and treasure one person for the rest of your life – its not something small!! Especially with marriages crumbling around you, I definitely think that its normal for you to have these feelings.
I will say, I have been married for almost 2.5 years, and I can honestly tell you that I love my husband more and more each day. He amazes me on a regular basis, and if I had a choice of being around one person for the rest of my life, it is most definitely him. (we’ve been together almost 8 years, fyi)
Let me ask you this: why do you want to marry your FI? What made you say yes? Why him over any other man? Answer these questions, and then if you still think its worth the risk, remind yourself of what you said everytime you have a shaky thought in your head. No one’s marriage is the same, and just because some fail, doesn’t mean they all will.
My parents have been married for 33 years, together over 40, and they are still very much in love. Have they always gotten along, or even liked each other every day? Hell no. But, they’ve pushed through all the hard times, and they are better off for it. I know that no matter what, hubs and I will get through life together, as a family, and that’s all I can really ask for.
Post # 7
thanks guys. it has just been really hard lately, and i also think fi worries i am going to take a page out of my friends book and leave him. i just wish i had more friends to turn to… besides you awesome ladies on the bee of course! but the stress is def. getting to me.. i have been breaking out and getting headaches constantly.
Post # 8
I have to share something. When I first got married 10 years ago at the age of 25, I really thought marriage was a crapshoot – like gambling. With the 50% make it and 50% don’t statistics, I thought it was like rolling the dice. Who knows which one I’ll be! I really didn’t have a clue as to what makes a 1) a good partner and 2) a good marriage. You cannot have a good marriage with a bad partner.
There are ways to educate yourself to understand what exactly breaks up marriages and what keeps them going strong. I had no idea of any of this when I got married at thea ge of 25. My parents were still married, my ex’s parents were still married – I really thought we had a chance. But I failed to recognize that both my parents’ and my ex’s parents’ marriages were riddled with emotional abuse. I definitely knew that I wanted to do better than my parents relationship wise. I thought all we needed was 1) to be best friends, 2) enjoy doing things together, 3) know how to have fun.
Ooooh, there is so much more to marriage than that. I tried to aim higher, but my standards were so low. I did do better than my mom, but overall, I really did not pick a good partner the first time around.
I hope you consider reading some books:
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert by Nan Silver and John Mordechai Gottman
Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last by Nan Silver, John Mordechai Gottman
Post # 9
@sienna76: thanks for the advice… my fiance is wonderful… I will def. look into these books… thank you for taking the time to share!