Best Friend in Abusive Relationship

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@kw948103:  He sounds super scary!!!  Honestly, I would be a little concerned for my own safety based on his behaviors.  I would recommend meeting up with your friend in person and letting her know your concerns and that you care about her and will be there for her if she needs your support/help.  Ultimately, it’s her decision to make whether she wants to stay or go and if you push too hard you may cause her to end up even more isolated.  I would stop emailing/texting most conversations with her because he is obviously eavesdropping somehow and then using it against you to encourage her to become more isolated.  Make sure to have abused spouse resources on hand but unless and until she is ready to ask for them, you’re going to have trouble getting her to leave him.  He has chosen and conditioned her to put up with his behavior and until she snaps out of it on her own there isn’t much you can do unfortunately.

Will she allow you to attend one of her individual counseling sessions so you can address it with her there?

Post # 4
11300 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Oh, wow.

Okay, first of all, he’s likely got a key tagger on her computer. Meaning she can change her password however many times she wants, but he’s got software that’s tracking it.

He sees you as a threat to their marriage because he knows that you know what he’s doing, and knows that you can and will help L leave the marriage. Honestly, I would keep sticking by her side. It’s likely that, very soon, she will need your help leaving, whether that takes him beating the shit out of her or she just realizes that he’s a scumbag who isn’t going to change.

Post # 5
4441 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

@kw948103:  Maybe he has a keylogger on her computer.  She needs to realize what a psycho he is and leave on her own, give her time.

Post # 7
2474 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@vorpalette:  +1, well said.

How does your friend feel about everything? Is she aware how crazy and bizarre the whole thing sounds? Or does she try to rationalize everything? I would continue to stick by her side, and yes, I would encourage her to leave him. Therapy sounds like it’s not doing much since he’s still acting like a crazy person. It sounds like he probably needs some medical help, too, but isn’t the kind of person that would go and get it voluntarily. 

I am so sorry you’re going through this. Watching the ones we love being walked all over is the worst. I’m so sorry for your friend, too. 

Can you guys talk on the phone more frequently instead of email?

Post # 9
1253 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@kw948103:  Wow, it sounds like he has installed spyware on her or something.

I would start making notes about all the weird things he does for evidence later, espcially if she leaves and there is a custody battle. She should do it, but obviously having a digital list is not safe, and he might find a physical one. The fact that HIS friends say being alone with him isn’t safe is terrifying.  

Keep encouraging her to be wary of him, even with the counseling and promises to change. Abusers are master manipulators and couples counseling can something be the worst thing, because they can actually make the counselor feel like the victim is crazy, as he has with her own mother.

Post # 11
1018 posts
Bumble bee

@kw948103:  What an awful thing to go through.

When she tries to rationalize his behaviour I would pose this to her:

1. What would you tell your daughter/son to do if they were in a relationship like this? As a mother, she clearly wouldn’t want her child to be in this type of relationship no matter what the excuses.

2. Tell her to talk to her mother. Classic abuser behaviour – distancing you from your family. The longer she lets him do this the harder it will be to get her mother to communicate with her/take her seriously since he is spreading lies.

3. Even if it isn’t physical now it will be soon. He shows CLASSIC traits of an escalating abuser. No matter how difficult or even embarrassing it seems to get out of the marriage now, she’ll feel so much worse if she waits until he escalates to beating her – or worse- her and their child.

If he lost custody of his other child based on similar accusations I highly doubt he’ll get shared custody of yours.

Also, she should make reports of everything, even if the police won’t do anything now it helps to have a “track record” or pattern of behaviour for later.

Post # 12
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

That is TERRIFYING– But if he’s lost custody of one kid, let her know chances are that a judge will side with her. Especially if she (or you) can start documenting what’s going on a regular basis.

Post # 13
1253 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@kw948103:  Wow. I would be very harsh on her mother at this point. I would tell her that it is shameful to be believing a man with a history of potential abuse over her own daughter, and that she is being manipulated after hearing one-sided stories. 

But then again, if she is so in love with your friend’s husband, she might pass that all right on to him, making him try to cut you off even more.  This is just such a scary situation, and it seems like everything is teetering right on the edge of absolute disaster. 🙁 I’d definitely encourage your friend to leave, and just keep reminding her that she is rationalizing insane behaviour, rather than her husband getting more sane.

Post # 14
285 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

This sounds so much like my aunt’s marriage. But thankfully, he got drunk and ran his car under a semi and that was the end of that. He became a vegetable, she put him in a nursing home and got a divorce. Let the bastard piss on himself.

Unfortunately, it’s not usually that easy. What does your husband do when her husband sends you ugly messages. Because my FI wouldn’t allow that more than once. I’d be tempted to just go get her and her daughter and take them someplace where no one can find them.


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