Post # 1
My best friend for the past 22 years has major trouble with relationships and my SO doesnt want her and her SO at our home because he likes her partner of 10 months and says he doesnt want to start a mateship with a decent bloke whom she’ll discard at some point.
‘Sarah’ is a gorgeously pretty and vivacious woman with a great sense of humour whom I personally love to bits.
She however had a rough upbringing dealing with a loveless father and a mother who STILL drills her over how staying blonde and youthful is the only way to keep a man.. what?
I hate that and have lectured her otherwise a zillion times. Shes now into botox and fillers etc – nothing wrong with that at all but I know exactly where its coming from and why and it hurts knowing how she feels about getting older.
She has been engaged numerous times to decent loyal men however manages to always get bored and wind up vaulting herself out of it by having an affair with someone highly innapropriate (often married themselves).
I thought she’d grown out of it when she moved in with her new man ‘Fred’.
Nope, shes been embroiled in another affair, this time with a man JUST MARRIED with a NEW BABY!!! Im FURIOUS with her but ashe has her damn head in the clouds thinking that this other man and her are meant to be.
My SO refuses to have them here as he is disgusted and says he cant stand talking to ‘Fred’ and doesnt want to get to know him further as he’s clearly in love with her and gives her everything.
She’d kill me if she knew I talked to my SO and yes I do feel bad, but, if Im upset about something, I tell him rather than leave hime wondering.
Post # 3
Hmm, I don’t think there’s much you can do, unfortunately!
My beloved little brother is a total idiot with his various girl friends, so I get how that is a bit hard to watch. All you can do is give her your honest opinion once (if she’s open to it) and let the chips fall where they may as far as her relationships are concerned. That’s what I do with my brother. Then at least I know SOMEONE said what needed to be said. But I do it as politely and non judgementally as I can. It has the best chance of getting across that way.
Maybe point out how totally out of line sleeping with married guys is? Although it sounds as though you’ve already made yourself clear on that.
I would probably have talked it over with Fi too. I can’t really blame him for not wanting to get attached to Fred.
Post # 4
I don’t blame your husband for not wanting to get close to Fred, as he’s right – history has a way of repeating itself with Sarah. There may be a possibility of friendship with Fred outside of Sarah – after that relationship ends.
How very sad and unfortunate that this woman has had it drilled into her head that her only worth is in her appearance. Given her upbringing, it’s not shocking that she’s on a wild goose chase for approval from men. So many people wind up doing this – they don’t approve of themselves and they seek it externally. They can’t find it in one person, so they bounce around hoping to find it in the next. Very sad.
There’s little that you can do. The woman probably needs a professional to help her sort all of those feelings out, and then she might have a shot at not blowing up her relationships.
She’s showing classic signs of being a self-saboteur…she gets into a decent relationship, then cheats with someone entirely unattainable. I’m sure she knows the affair will never work out, so she ends up losing both men in the process. She likely doesn’t get too attached to the men she dates, so she’s emotionally ‘preserved’ in a way as she winds up being the one to end everything before they can.
I would tell Sarah that you will not keep secrets for her – if someone asks about her history, you will say, “You’ll have to ask Sarah about that.” You won’t speak up, but you won’t lie, either.
Beyond suggesting she get professional help, I don’t see much to be done.
Post # 5
I think if you want to remain friends, you’ll just have to accept her and the way she is. I also think that you should respect your SO’s view and hang out with her outside of the home, and on your own time. If you get to pick your friends, so does he.
As for your friend, I hope someone can get that gal into some therapy.
Post # 6
I had a friend like this. I had to quit speaking with her. I realized that everything about her was against my morals, including carrying on with married men. I also realized that by being by her side as she did this to ppl meant that i was letting her think that even though she behaved that way, that she still had someone in her corner. I could not be that person and I dont think she deserved a person in her corner. I am sorry that your friend is this way. I hope she finds help.
Post # 7
I have a friend like this, whom I love dearly. Maybe it’s upbringing or whatever, but some people can make wonderful friends, yet be terrible partners.
Post # 8
I congratulate you for remaining friends despite her flaws. NO ONE is perfect and I am sorry that your friend believes that being attractive to men is the only measure of self-worth. That being said, I can’t blame your SO’s for feeling the way he does, although I can”t help but wonder if he would feel the same way if your friend was a man acting this way. I agree with a PP that perhaps the best solution is to see your friend outside of your home. You can not force people to be friends.