Post # 16
If I couldn’t invite her alone, with such a tiny wedding, and I couldn’t stand to invite her significant other, I wouldn’t invite either.
Packaging two people into a social unit goes both ways- if you have to invite them together, you can also exclude hem together.
Post # 17
Besides not liking how this guy treats your friend, do you know if he’s rude, ill-mannered, obnoxiously loud, gross, or anything like that? Would he actually be a bad guest or would he behave just fine?
If you don’t want to hurt your friend, and he wouldn’t even be a bad guest, invite him.
That being said, turn your mostly-family wedding into an only-family wedding if you really don’t want him there. That’s ok, although you might still have to deal with your friend if it hurts her feelings. I still say go for it, even if it does hurt her feelings.
Post # 18
You have two choices: Neither or both.
Post # 19
Some PPs say they’re a package deal, but there’s also the saying, “ring or no bring”! I think you’d be fine to invite just her, but make sure you really are just inviting family and that other friends’ bf/gfs aren’t allowed to come.
I can also share with you that I discovered my ex wasn’t right for me when he got wasted and made an ass of himself at a wedding. Who knows how long it would’ve taken me to figure it out, if I hadn’t had the chance to see him exposed in front of decent people?? If he really sucks, don’t waste your money, but, food for thought…
Post # 20
Swimming against the stream here… I think when the wedding is small enough to fit in a church van, you can draw hard lines on the guest list.
I think it’s ESPECIALLY important when having such an intimate affair to really be happy to see everyone who is in attendance. The fact you don’t like this guy will seem all the more noticeable without the buffer of lots of other guests.
If you really really want her there, tell her it’s family only but you’ll make an exception for just her. If you’re willling to celebrate with her another time, then leave it at family only.
Post # 21
daguerreotype22 : It’s really shitty to expect someone to show up and support your relationship, while at the same time not supporting theirs. She has a boyfriend and, regardless of whether or not you like him or not, they should be a packaged deal. If you knew from the jump that you didn’t want him there, you should have been upfront about it. You’ve already verbally told her that she would attend, so backing out of the invite is also a shitty option. It should have been a no-brainer that she would expect her boyfriend of a year to attend as well.
Here are the options as I see them presented:
– Stand by etiquette and invite the boyfriend even though you don’t care for him. Nothing in your description or examples of him shows that he is such a vile person that he can’t be trusted to be a polite individual. Also, you’re “annoyed” at all the other people who could be there in his place–so invite them?
– Tell her that she’s invited, but he’s not. Possibly jeopardize your relationship with her.
– Take back your invitation to your supposed best friend and not have her there all for the sake of avoiding an awkward conversation.
Post # 22
You haven’t made a compelling enough case to disregard etiquette here, imo. I worry that you will damage this friendship, as PP mentioned, if you only invite her or disinvite her.
I don’t really get how your friend says he treats your friend is relevant to your wedding. Don’t focus on the things she’s told you about him. It’s her choice to be with him.
Post # 23
Thank you everyone for your responses! To clarify a bit, no, he is not that horrendously awful of a person that he will ruin the wedding or something if he is present. There have just been some instances my friend has told me about that I don’t really think he treated her with the respect she deserves. For instance he will passive aggresively not talk to her for days over petty little things, some of which were his wrong doing to begin with. But I understand there’s not much I can do about that, beyond telling her I don’t think that’s right, and hope she realizes eventually that she deserves better!
I was totally fine with him being in attendance when the wedding was going to be around 30 people (even up to 50 in the early planning stages), and thats why i told her of course she was invited, and didnt initially object to her bringing him, but now that it’ll be around 15 -18 guests it is odd for me having the very closest people to my fiancee and I there and then him. But at this point my friendship with her is more important than not having him at the wedding. And like many of you mentioned I’ll likely just chat with him briefly and that will be all!