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My best friend is getting married to a wonderful man this spring and she has asked me to be a bridesmaid. I happily accepted and they set a date for early April. They've started the planning and everything is coming together nicely (ordering dresses, planning the shower and such). At the same time, my sister is a senior in college and will be graduating in may.
Unfortunately, my best friend got a call from her venue and apparently there is another person who desprately wants her date and will pay at all costs in order to have it. The venue offered my friend another date and very enticing upgrades and discounts in order to change the date.
My dilema is that this new date is the same day as my sister's graduation.
I have considered splitting the time between the two but looking further into the logistics that does not seem possible (graduation is early afternoon over 2 hours away and my friends wedding ceremony is 5:30pm). So if I split the time I would not be able to be in the wedding and will have to arrive (as a guest) late.
I feel very upset and torn. I would never miss my sister's graduation so that is not an option. She is my only sister and we are very close. But at the same time I want to take part in all the preparations and festivities that will be my best friends wedding.
She hasn't decided about the change either way, but I can understand how enticing discounts can be when you are planning a big wedding. I don't want her to make a decision based on me and my availability because it is her day.
Any thoughts or insights would be appreciated.
Best friend's wedding! A wedding is the most important day in your life. Surely your sister can have a graduation party/celebration/dinner the next day? I always find graduations very tedious too. You have no role in her graduation either, just to watch and she won't even notice you're missing.
That would be a very difficult choice to make, I'm not sure what I would do in your shoes.
Couldn't your friend see if they are able to give her another date besides the one they have already offered? I mean, she is sort of in control of this situation because she has her original date all down. I would see if she could request another day and maybe then you could attend both? I know that may seem a tiny bit selfish on your part, but I would still ask. Maybe her and her FI like another date better?
If your friend hasn't decided to change, maybe you should bring it up to her first. let her know of the situation this puts you in, and how much you want to attend both. It's unfortunate; I hope you can figure it out so you can attend both!
I'm not sure how your sister feels, but graduation was very boring for me and all of my family involved. My dad left early because he got hungry!
Yeah skip the graduation. Have one of the other family members video tape it for you and then do something special to celebrate the next day. I would think she would understand.
Personally, I think graduations are the most horrible events to attend and looking back I kind of wish I didn't even attend my own, so I say wedding. You can always do something special for your sister the next day, you will never get the chance to be a BM in your best friends wedding again.
We had a cousin graduate the day of our wedding and as a result missed out on a large chunk of DH's family attending (family of 4). I understand their decision to skip our wedding, especially since they weren't actually in it, but honestly I think they would have been better off coming to our wedding!
Best friend's wedding, for sure! Maybe get your sister an extra special grad gift to make up for it. :)
I know you said you would "never" miss your sister's graduation, but I wholeheartedly agree with the PPs. I'm not sure how your sister feels, of course, but I would not have been at all upset if my brother couldn't attend my college graduation in order for him to be at his best friend's wedding. Of course I was happy to have him (and my parents) there - but I was bored at MY OWN graduation, and I am always bored at others'. I think your sister will understand that a wedding is a once-in-a-lifetime celebration, whereas a graduation can be celebrated after the fact.
Is this your sisters’ college graduation? Talk to your sister and get her opinion first before making any decisions.
Go to the wedding. I just graduated in may it was boring and long and i did not want to be there lol. im sure your sister will understand and see if she can have a graduation party and you can go to that
I would talk to your sister - but I would pick the wedding. Have a grad party the next day or something. The actual graduation ceremony is pretty tedious - especially if it's a college one. I couldn't even see my family in the crowd, and only my DH's dad was able to make it out. Actually, all three of my siblings weren't there as they stayed at home to do chores so my parents could come.
I actually thought about skipping my ceremony just because I thought it would be long and boring (it was) but DH really wanted me to do it.
mmm..tough one. Talk to your sister. See what she says. I'm not going to lie if my sister just decided to ditch my "boring" ceremony for her friend's "boring" ceremony (i find wedding ceremonies to be so boring, if I could just have a reception i would!) I would be hurt and upset. I worked hard to get my degree and to get that opportunity to walk across that stage.
If your sister doesn't care, then I think you wouldn't have to feel bad or guilty about it. Hopefully it will work out and you won't have to choose or feel bad about your choice!
Maybe you could stay, watch your sis walk across the stage and then hop in the car and get to the wedding on time?
My graduation was SUPER BORING. I wouldn't have been hurt if a family member decided not to attend because of schedule conflicts. Heck, my brother actually wasn't there but that's because he was at USAFA.
Talk to your sister, I'm sure she'll be very understanding.
Sorry, but I have to go against the grain and say it would probably be really hard for me if my only sister who I was extremely close to missed my graduation. Graduations are important, and while boring it depends on the person for how important it is that their loved ones witness the event. So definitely talk to your sister about it - she may tell you that it's fine to do the wedding, but you don't want to drive a wedge into your relationship if you just go ahead and skip without talking to her about it first.
Friends are important, but your family is blood and when you do have a relationship then I think they come first. It'd be another story if you and your sister weren't close, but you are so that's a very important consideration.
As soon as you talk to your sister, no matter what she says and you two decide, talk to your best friend. Even though you don't want her decision to be made based on you, the thing is if she chose you to be part of her bridal party she may WANT to ensure you can be there and make an informed decision.
@autumn865: I would not miss either event. I would let her know if she chose the same date as your sister's graduation you would not be able to be a part of the wedding party. You can be a great friend to her and help plan and be there for your sister. I would not skip out on my sister for anybody's wedding. Sorry.
Thank you everyone for your responses...
In my mind missing my sister's graduation is not an option. She has supported me through every important day in my life from graduations to maid of honor at my wedding. Her graduation (obviously) is something she has worked very hard for and is anticipated so I want and need to be there for her in the way she has been for me. I know if I speak to her, on the outside she would tell me to go to the wedding but on the inside she would be very upset and (knowing my sister) resentful that I "choose" a friend over her/ family. Family always comes first for me.
I think I am the most upset at my friend's venue because they stand to win/win in the whole deal. Upgrades and discounts are pennies in comparison to one person paying top dollar for one day and then filling another unbooked day with my friend. I think it is unethical to break a contract in the spirit of "being sensitive to the budget and doing a favor" for my friend. I just think it's bad business. If the date is unavailable it is unavailable.
I vote skip the graduation unless you've talked to your sister and she would be devastated without you.
I had to make the wedding/ graduationdecision last year and I decided to skip my own graduation to gI on my honeymoon lol. I don't regret it at all and I wouldn't care if my family missed it. Graduations are incredibly boring for everyone attending and you could always have a family graduation party the next day.
Good luck!
I would go for my best friend's wedding. In my family, almost everyone has a graduate degree so a graduation from college is not really a big deal. I actually missed my brother's graduation for this very issue. He was upset but I reminded him that he's getting his master's and I will be there for him. My friend has done a lot of things for me and I wanted to stand up with her that day. Honestly, I grade weddings on a higer scale than graduations. If not going to your sister's graduation is NOT an option, please let your friend know ASAP so she can start making alternate arrangements.
@autumn865: Go to both. Not being in the wedding and arriving later as a guest is just as good, in my book. There is no way I would miss my sister's graduation either. You can still help your friend with planning, transporting gifts, etc. Just keep the lines of communication open and find out how you can help on her big day.
i would pick the wedding, especially because you are a BM. and also encourage your friend to do what is best for her.
I will also go against the grain and say that if both events end up on the same day to attend your sister's graduation. I can't imagine missing out on such a big day for my sister. And, I would try to still attend the later part of the wedding celebration if possible.
Graduations are important in my family, but I don't think anyone would have been heartbroken had I needed to miss it for such a legitimate reason.
How do you think your sister would feel about you missing graduation?
Have you told your friend about the conflict with the new date? Not that it's all about you, but that may factor into her decision. If she still goes with the new date, bow out as a BM, but go to the wedding late to support her. If she knows how close you and your sister are, she should understand.
I would probably go to my sister's graduation and attend the reception for my best friend's wedding.
I may be in the minority here, but if it were me, I would go with sister's graduation. Yes, graduations are boring and long, BUT it is something your sister put a lot of work and effort into. And to me, family just kind of goes above everything else.
@autumn865: If the venue wants to move your friend's wedding to another date, would your friend be willing to ask the venue if there are other dates available (that are not on your sister's graduation day)? While graduations aren't terribly exciting, I agree with you. I wouldn't have missed my sister's graduation either.
If it were me, and my friend goes with the new date, I'd step down as a BM, go to my sister's graduation, and then attend the friend's wedding late as a guest. But that's just me. You have to go with what feels right to you regardless of what any one else thinks. Sorry you got caught in this situation.
I also wouldn't miss my siblings' graduation for a wedding (your bff would understand, especially since it was her doing that cause the scheduling conflict..and you just have to think which one you would most regret not attending).. To me, graduation is a huge deal! they spend years working hard (and a lot of money too) and it's a day to celebrate their achievement. I went to each and every one of my siblings' graduation..from junior high to postgraduate! You can still go to the wedding late as a guest. :)
Wedding > graduation. I would be more pissed at a best friend for missing my wedding than I would be had a sibling missed my graduation. Come to think of it, only my parents and grandparents came to my college and HS graduations (and I was salutatorian and gave a speech!), and I didn't care. I actually don't even want anyone to come to my grad school graduation, but I would be super upset if someone close to me missed my wedding.
ETA - The more I think about it, I realize why I feel this way. It's your friend's day. The spotlight is on her and her FI 100%. At a graduation, your sister will be one of .. hundreds? It's more for the class and the spotlight will only be on her for a second.
talk to your sister about it... graduation is a great accomplishment, but its usually pretty boring. you could always throw her a party to celebrate afterward or give her an extra present.
You said the graduation & wedding are 2 hours away - so although not ideal, it is not impossible & you can go to both.
I know I would much rather my best friend come late to my wedding vs. not coming at all - same with my sibling, I would rather them be there for graduation then not at all. It will be a busy day, but it will mean so much to both your sister & BF if you make it work. Yes it stinks that you won't be in the wedding & helping her the day of, but trust me, you being there after will mean just as much!!
I can't believe how many people are saying a friend comes before family. To me that is wrong. Family first, yes graduations are boring but she is your sister. Graduation is what I would chose
I am so glad to see you say not going to your sister's graduation is not an option. The happy compromise is go to the graduation and then go to the wedding later. It's not perfect but it's doable. Even if your sister says it's OK for you not to attend, deep down it probably isn't. Sometimes we say things to keep the peace even if we don't mean it. As a mother of two boys, I would be upset and disappointed if one decided to not attend his brother's graduation to attend a friend's wedding. Hope it works out for you.
I think you should talk to your sister about it. Tell her you feel torn and then make a decision. In either case, someone will be sad you aren't there. Either you aren't going to be there for your friend on her wedding day or you aren't going to be there for your sister on her gradutation day.
If it were me graduating, I'd tell my sister to go be part of her friends wedding. Having done both (graduating from college and getting married) it's far more important (IMO) to have your friends by your side at your wedding day. College graduations, while important, are also filled with the friends you've made in college (peers, professors, etc), and while family and other friend support is appreciated and desired, there are a lot of people collectively celebrating at a graduation (which would dampen your missing out).
If you are going to regret not being there for this family event so much so that you feel it necessary to just be a guest at the wedding, then that's what you need to do.
There's no 'wrong' answer and you shouldn't pressure your friend to change her wedding date. Just let your friend know ASAP that you are trying to figure out what to do with the date conflict and there's a chance that you will need to step down as a BM (if you can - figure out what you want to do before you tell your friend).
ETA: from a bridal perspective, the time I most appreciate with my friends were all the pre-wedding events (the night before, the day of (geting ready), etc. Post ceremony, it's all a blurr of "I just got married" giddiness and connecting with guests. Post ceremony for close BM type connections are not going to happen (as they would pre-ceremony).
@autumn865: I would go to your best friend's wedding. Honestly, graduations are hards down the most boring events to attend, even for those graduating. If your sister is graduating from a large school, it could be even worse. My family sat through a three hour graduation ceremony, to almost miss me on stage, because the announcer misprounced my name and they were sooo far up in the stands.
Graduations are important and so is family, so maybe you can take your sister out to dinner the day before or after graduation? Also, if she's having a party, you can also help out with that.
Your best friend's wedding though? I'm sure she has dreamed about you being there to support her from the day you became best friends, I wouldn't back out because of something that is not directly her fault in changing the date.
@Sassygrn: lol, for me it's almost the opposite. So I don't think it's wrong at all. Only my parents came to my college graduation. It just wasn't a big deal to my siblings - and I was truly ok with that. There was no secret resentment of them not being there.
Graduations just aren't that big a deal, imo - and I was the first in my family (parents included) to get a 4-year degree. I would absolutely without hesitation tell my siblings to go to the wedding instead.
I would be much more upset if a close friend or a sibling couldn't make my wedding. It's much more of an 'event' imo - they are part of your day and stand up for you - my college graduation had 5000 students and probably 20,000+ in the audience. My family honestly could have skipped and I wouldn't have had a clue, until it was all over and I met up with them afterwards.
OP, I think in your case, after reading your later comments, you should talk to your sister and your friend, and probably end up just going to the reception.
You should talk to your best friend & let her know your delimma. Maybe the venue can offer her a different date? Or maybe she'd keep her date since she'd lose you. I mean, having my best friend at my wedding vs getting some fancy upgrades wouldn't come close to comparing... I would choose my friend.
Plus, her other vendors (photographer, dj, videographer, etc) may be booked for the new date & she'd lose a lot of money there. She might have to find all new vendors. Losing vendor's deposits might cost her a LOT more than the venue discount/upgrades.
I guess I don't see a graduation as quite as big as a wedding, especially since it's just the act of taking the diploma and it takes 5 seconds or less per person and that's it... and you graduate whether you attend the ceremony or not. I would have loved to have missed my OWN graduation, it was so boring, lol.
But if you're dead set against missing your sister's wedding, I think you should tell your best friend the situation. Having you at her wedding might mean more than all those discounts, and if she decides she needs the discounts, you'll at least be able to go as a guest later.
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