Post # 1
My best friend of 20+ years got married 3 years ago (and I was the maid of honor) and moved to florida with her husband and I just feel like we’ve grown apart. If someone happened at 2 in the morning and i couldnt reach my fiance, she wouldnt be the first one i would call. In the past 3 years we’ve probably talked 10 times over the phone, have seen each other but once. So i’ve officially asked my cousin to be my maid of honor and my other girls to be bridesmaids, and she was not one of them. So after procrastinating for days, I called her up last night to ask if she would read. At first she took it the wrong way, thinking read in addition to being a bridesmaid. So after she found out I was only asking her to read, she put on a front to make it seem like she was ok, then called me back 10 minutes later crying and saying how it was a punch to the gut…wow did that make me feel awful!
she didnt feel like we’ve grown apart, and so she told me she didnt know if she could read, then she said she would try her hardest to make it to the wedding ( so saying she may not even come) so i broke down and told her I didnt care how many girls i had (because I’m having 9 already!) and that i wanted her to be apart of it. but deep down, i just dont see it being realistic ya know. and apart of me does feel obligated. she never comes home, shes graduating college this may and starting a teaching job in the fall. how realistic would it be for her to fly home every couple of months for dress fittings, planning, etc. And when she told me herself last night, shes not coming home anytime soon.
so we ended the call last night saying we were both emotional and to think about it for a few days. would it be inappropriate to email her instead of call her back. i hate confrontation and can never get all of my thoughts out when i’m on the phone. i’ve made a decision and after talking to my parents and fiance (who feel the same way) i need to stick by my decision. i just wish i wasn’t hurting anyone in the process :/
Post # 3
I am/was in the same boat. My best friend growing up have known each other since she was born – so 27 years (oh god! wow!!). We did everything together up until I moved away to go to college. I only moved 2 hours away, but she had some initial excuse for everything important that I invited her to (she always ended up coming, but after saying she wasn’t sure she’d make it): 21st birthday (2 months after I moved to college), college graduation, 25th birthday, and moving party (moving to Boston from CA). I invited all of my other BMs months ago…when I first got engaged, and was on the fence about my longest-friend. I caved last week and invited her because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings and she was all excited about my wedding – emailing me and asking for details/telling me to let her know how to help. You have to go with your gut. Your wedding is just a day, so does it really matter in the long run? You have to think about that from both angles.
Post # 4
go with your gut. if you want to work on your friendship in the future, asking her to be a bm might be a good idea. if you don’t see things getting better though, don’t feel obligated.
you need to call her instead of emailing. so many things get lost in email — it would make the situation much worse if she took something the wrong way.
also, a bm doesn’t have to fly to be with you every few months. a bm only has to show up to the wedding if she’s OOT. take your local bms to fittings and planning meetings, then have a bachelorette when everyone is in town for the wedding.
Post # 5
@ ms rice crispy treat: were you glad you asked her? Did things seem to get better after the wedding or are they the same? I’ve been engaged since June of last year, the last time we spoke was august (until last night of course) and she hasn’t once called me to ask how wedding planning was going etc. I know the phone works both ways, but 5 mins is all it takes to say hi how ya doing?
When emotions are involved I let them get the best of me and I hate having people upset with me. So I would cave and ask her just so she wouldn’t be mad, but her now knowing I wasn’t going to ask her in the first place is it already to late?
@ kitzy: you’re right, BM’s don’t have to come home a lot if they are OOT and I will call her, bc emails can be taken so many different ways. All of my other girls are high school friends that I’ve kept in touch with and talk to on a weekly basis. When she moved away, she pretty much cut ties with her hometown except for me. Would it be awkward for her having to talk to these girls she hasn’t wanted talked to in over 5 years? And shes not a big drinker/partier (which isn’t a problem) however, i know my girls will plan some big bachelorette party bash, and I don’t want her to feel awkward at that either.
Deep down in my gut, I feel like we’ve grown apart. And she’s not the one I call in the middle of the night if my fiance isn’t there and something is wrong. She wasn’t the first one I called when we got engaged. I found out through her mom about her new job and that her dog got hit by a car. But, I still have a special place for our friendship and I wouldn’t want this to ruin it.
Post # 6
I guess this girl is allowed to feel how she feels. But in my opinion, just because you were in her wedding doesn’t guarantee her a spot in yours. I can’t believe she doesn’t feel like you’ve grown apart and you haven’t talked to her all that much in three years? I’d say you’re under no obligation to have her in your wedding.
Post # 7
Darling you’re feeling too much obligation. You’re wedding is about YOU and the person that you’ve decided to share the rest of your life with. 🙂
Post # 8
As somebody who has been away from home for a while (not 3 years but its still similar), it hard to communicate and visit as often as you’d like and as the person who is away, you can often feel left out of things going on at home even though its nobody’s fault and you may not mention it (because lets face it, its a little irrational). However, the relationship hasn’t gotten any weaker for your, its just changed. I can completely understand how she feels. Just a few years ago, you were her maid of honor, she pretty much chose you as the most important woman in her life (who falls into the BM age range anyways). Obviously, you need to make your own decisions about your wedding– thats your right as a bride. But, do remember how those decisions affect the people you love.
Post # 9
I’m kind of surprised by some of these responses. If you’ve been best friends for 20+ years, and if she’s still the person you’d call at 2 a.m. after your fiance, why throw all that away because of 3 years of not seeing each other that much? Friendships go through phases, like anything else–sometimes they’re on overdrive and sometimes they lie dormant for a bit. That doesn’t mean they’re over. If she had done something unkind to you, it might be different, but if I were you, I would certainly include her in the wedding. Think big picture here. A friendship that long is a valuable thing.
ETA: Oops, sorry, now I see that you wrote she WOULDN’T be the first person you’d call at 2 a.m. I can’t read. 🙂 But that doesn’t change my opinion… just food for thought.
Post # 10
I lost touch with someone, who had been my best friend from kindergarten through graduating high school. After we went to different colleges, she stopped trying to keep in touch, would hardly show up to “reunions” when our group of bffs was back in town at the same time, etc. But, when I got engaged I still felt some sort of obligation to ask her to be a bm. I mean, she was my oldest friend! However, I waited, even after inviting my other girls to be a part of the big day, and now, I’m soo glad I did. She’s even more detatched these days, she never calls, or even answers when I call. Even our other good friends, she doesn’t see them much anymore. She even blew off my bachelorette party, saying she “couldn’t afford it”, when there was no cost involved other than a $10 t-shirt, and she has a full time job! So, I’ve come to realize that though we were best friends, people change and life moves on. I’m still inviting her to the wedding, but I saved myself a lot of heartache and stress by not asking her to be a bm.
I’d say, go with your gut. Don’t let her guilt you into asking her, if you feel like you shouldn’t. Just because she doesn’t feel like you’ve grown apart, you do, and that’s what matters. However, weddings are important things, and this could kill the remainder of the relationship you’ve still got. Make sure you think about the repercussions of whatever decision you make. And, good luck! This is a tough situation.
Post # 11
@ Kingytobe and stillme: what if she hasn’t tried to keep in touch. when i told her that i felt we were distant her response was : “i’ve wanted to pick up the phone so many times and call you but i just haven’t had time” really? it takes 5 minutes to pick the phone up and say hi, thinking of you! and maybe thats my fault where i haven’t as well, but i’ve tried multiple times to plan a visit to fly down there and she has always said it wasn’t a good time. I understand that being so far away its hard to communicate, but shes written off everyone at home. even her own family. her mother went through breast cancer and to the best of my knowledge she came home once, if that to go with her to treatment. its been an ongoing feud since before they got married, and my mom and i have been the one here consoling her mom when she was upset that her daughter didn’t call her on mothers day or her birthday. she isn’t proud of where she is, she has written off all of her other friends. and i know 20+ years of a friendship is a long time but i think i’m holding on to the past and what we had. it is definitely a different friendship than what we used to have, but at the same time, its a valuable thing that i don’t want to loose.
she kind of gave me the ultimatum in a way. she told me that she didn’t think she could be a reader and put a smile on her face knowing she wasn’t standing with other girls, and if the flights weren’t expensive her and her husband would try to make it. and i’m still including her, but not as a BM.
on the other hand do i give in to save a friendship????
Post # 12
@hdfoster: I guess the question is–do you miss her? Do you wish you were as close as you used to be? Because if the answer is yes, then I think it’s worth giving her another chance and asking her to be a BM. If you DON’T ask her to be a BM, that sends a clear message to her that the friendship is ending, and it will be much harder to repair things after that. But if you DO ask her, that tells her that she’s still someone you care about a lot and want to be close to, even if you haven’t been super close recently.
What I’m saying is, it doesn’t sound like you have a lot to lose by asking her (what’s the worst that can happen? She flakes and doesn’t show up at all?), but by not asking her, you risk ending the friendship altogether. And maybe that’s what you want to do–maybe you’re tired of dealing with her absence, and I completely get that. I’d just think it through carefully, realizing the likely consequences, and then go from there.