Best Friends With Ex?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

Don’t feel guilty–people movie! You can still call/text/FB message!

Post # 5
Member
496 posts
Helper bee

I know it is tough to let your ex go and live his life but that is what you need to do,.  I think you are being very unfair to your husband and he is now your family. More so than your ex should ever be, inmy opinion. All of my closest friends are males so I have nothing against having a male friend but I just think yout husband deserves to have you without this shadow of another relationship lingering around. The fact that the ex is devastated about you moving is a red flag to me- as if he still thinks you two are in a semi-relationship. It is not fair to him either for you to be such a focus on his life. He needs the time and space to create his new life on his own without you.

Post # 6
Member
1373 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@katnesss1:  this is a Toughy… I can see how your husband would be uncomfortable with you being besties with a man you date for nine years. I mean, I see where he’s coming from a lot… If FI was best friends with his ex of nine years, I don’t think if be okay with it.. It would just be not okay with me. The connection you share after that long, the relationship you must have, that’s stuff that belongs to your husband and I 100% see how he has a hard time with it.

On the other hand, it’s hard to lose good friends. I dont think you have to not talk to him at all but I think some distance wi be good for you and your husband.

Post # 7
Member
1584 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@BrandNewBride:  +1… if he gets into a deep funk because you are moving, perhaps he still cares more about you than you realize… he should be understanding…

Post # 9
Member
9533 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I don’t think that it is wrong to stay friends with an ex after you break up. I’m still friends with one of my exes and was really sad he couldn’t make it to my wedding. He and my husband get along and there has never been any issue. That being said, we definnitely aren’t “best friends” and aren’t as close as you seem to be with your ex. I think what you have to be careful of is if he is treating your friendship like a relationship. And it sounds like he might be. I think, in that regard, it would be better to encourage him to make other friends and see other women. Not that you can’t be friends. But you can’t be his only friend and support. That is unhealthy. For both of you. And unfair to your husband. So maybe the move will be a good thing. You can remain friend but the physical distance can help to provide some emotional distance as well. This will likely not be easy for your ex, but in the end it will be better for him. 

Post # 10
Member
1140 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: Seattle, WA

@Baroness_Meg:  This was my first thought as well!

 

OP, are you sure your ex doesn’t feel more for you than you do for him?

Post # 12
Member
466 posts
Helper bee

I think as long as your husband is ok with the situation, and you follow any parameters he sets out as to your relationship with your Ex, it is ok.  My SO was friends with two of his exs.  One Ex is married, and they are still friends.  The other one got insanely jealous when I entered the picture as a serious girlfriend, and the friendship ended.  With both, we discussed what I was comfortable with and uncomfortable with, and he was very open with when he saw them, talked to them, etc.  Also he always invited me to come on any in person visits with him.  (I didn’t always, but I appreciated the openness.)

 Actually, it is probably a good thing that you are going away and putting some distance between you and your ex.  From what you wrote, it sounds like it is possible that the ex might have or have redeveloped feelings for you still, even if your own feelings are platonic.  Don’t feel guilty.  if you hubby is ok with your relationship, and your Ex needs your friendship, I would just go with it.   

Post # 13
Member
2571 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I have a friend who I considered my best male friend, as in we would literally chat every day for hours for years.  Then, I got in a serious relationship with now FI and we tapered communication to a couple emails a month for a while.  Then, he got a long term girlfriend and now we communicate about once every 3 months.  It’s natural to drift when other things take precendent in your life… I would not feel guilty and there is always chat, email, etc!

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