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best man dilemma

posted 2 years ago in Etiquette
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    1.
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    Wannabee
    bronmumof1    December 19, 2009  

    my brother is meant to be my fiances best man on the 19th of december, however due to recent events his (mole) girlfriend has decided they are moving on the 17th of november. They are moving interstate and will be 2 flights away for him to come back.

     

    He has not told us he is leaving, we heard through my fiances mother, the mole told her knowing she would tell me... (we live in a small town) He has not said he wont be here for the wedding but keeps saying he doesnt know. We need to get things organised and I dont want to ask my fiance to replace his best man but I dont think my brother will be here. My mum offered to pay for him to come back and he said he didnt want to take any of her money, but then he sent my dad a message asking to borrow money...

     

    Im at a loss, a friend of mine said his girl friend told her that my brother will not be at the wedding if she is not invited but she has caused a lot of hurt and trouble for me and my fiance, she has made threats against my 6 month old son since before he was even born and she has ripped a once very close bond between my brother and i to shreds. he may be happy to let her ruin his life but she will not ruin our day.

     

    what to do??

     
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    Helper bee
    ProudPeacockBride    August 13, 2011   Washington

    Aww! Sorry! What a bummer. BUT - if your bro really loves you guys and wants to support you (girlfriend on board or not) he'll come through. If he doesn't, just accept it and move on with your new life. That's too bad - it's hard to get through to some people sometimes! Good luck!

    Oh - one thing I have to add though is that you should definetly quit the he said-she said and talk directly to your bro about this. Nothing will get solved if messages are passed through others!

     
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    daydreamwanderer       DC

    I agree - you have to talk directly to your brother. The best would be in person. Try to be as unemotional as you can - don't make it about "why are you abandoning me" but instead let it be "I know you've got a lot going on, and I want to be there to support you for this, but I also need to know whether or not you're going to be able to make it to the wedding, because that affects my plans a lot."

    Also, I'd suggest you and FI carefully consider what your course of action will be if your brother is unable to attend the wedding. I would actually recommend talking to your 'back up best man' and explaining the situation (brother moving, not sure if he can make it or not, he's also not sure) and ask if he would be willing to step in at the last minute if necessary.

     
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    Helper bee
    betty_spaghetti    May 5, 2012   Spain

    @daydreamwanderer:  totally agree. But the back up best man situation is a little bit violent IMO. I don't think being a bst man is that much trouble, your can ask someone else without much time if your brother decides to not go.

    You should talk to him straight forward... but i assure you that if he loves the girl and she is not invited, he will not go. If i had SERIOUS issues with my sister in law and she didn't invite me to her wedding or disinvited me (regardless of who said what and who's fault it is) I don't think my boyfriend/husband would go either. 

    Maybe your should really think about how important it is for you and your fiancé for your brother to be there. DOn't make him pick because he probably won't chose you. Even if you hate her, let her know that she is welcome to go... she probably won't go anyway but he won't feel like he's betraying her.

    Also if your mother tells him she's buying the tickets, i don't think he will refuse it.

    but you really need to invite her if you want him there.

     
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    Busy bee
    HappierKate    September 29, 2012  

    This is from 2 years ago.  I really hope it worked out.

     

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