- 5 years ago
- Wedding: April 2013
Some advice would be well appreciated my darling bees 🙂
FI has two old friends from school, part of a group that we all used to hang out with years ago, who appear to have never grown up. Despite having wives/partners, and children, their priorities are getting drunk, spending their money on big TVs and ticking up debt rather than saving for a house, etc etc. One of those two is my FI’s best man (we’ll call him Old Friend 1). FI doesn’t hear from OF1 unless he initiates contact, and even then, many calls/messages are ignored. OF2 occassionally makes an effort to bring the three of them together (usually for some kind of drinking-related event).
We had a ‘bridal party’ BBQ last week, where my two bridesmaids and his two groomsmen were invited round for dinner. The girls were going to have some wine and DIY the invites, while the two groomsmen (who are from different circles of friends and don’t really know each other) could have a chance to plan the stag party, talk about how the day before is going to work etc.
Old Friend turns up to the BBQ dinner with uninvited Old Friend 2, no food, and a bottle of tequila. Also only a few beers between them, hoping to drink FI’s. He states that he is not there to talk about ‘wedding s**t’ and is only there to drink.
I ask them to hold off on the tequila until the kiddies (my two and my BMs two) are in bed. I go outside to the BBQ 15 minutes later to find them smoking cigarettes and doing shots, while the kids scooter up and down the driveway.
They were rude, defensive and argumentative all night. They’re people that were a part of FI’s life in a way that made sense, 5-10 years ago. Howver, we’ve moved forward and shifted priorities, bought a house, stopped partying and concentrated on our wee kids etc. I was at uni for 5 years and have been blessed enough to be in a fantastic well-paying job for the last 2 years, since I graduated, so we are now lucky to have two incomes after years of scraping by.
They appear resentful of FI’s ‘success’, and just make snarky and rude comments about him, his stag party and our life all the time. I am really upset at the way they behaved and don’t want them in our house again, much less our wedding. But FI is in a tricky spot, with Old Friend 1 being his best man.
We’re now in an even worse spot, as I was so upset about the whole thing, that I pressured FI into talking to OF1 about it. He worked himself up for a few days (not good at confrontation, my FI) and sent him a text (really nicely worded,I thought) to say that he’s disappointed at the way OF1 behaved last week and the comments he made to both FI and me. That he feels as though he’s not that interested in being his friend anymore, and he’s hurt.
OF1 replies that he doesn’t know what he said as his memory of the night are hazy (funny that, thanks to the tequila), that he doesn’t know why FI thinks that, but acknowledging they weren’t as close as they used to be. He also said that he was ‘surprised’ when FI asked him to be his best man. FI doesn’t know what to say, and hasn’t text back in two days. Giant elephant in the proverbial room.
His comment about being surprised has gutted FI, who is now seeing very clearly that he has valued this friendship much more than OF1 has. He is depressed and upset, doesn’t know what to do and wishes he never said anything and let the friendship just drift away over time. What does he do?
He feels pressured by me to kick him out of the wedding, which I really regret now, because I don’t want him to do anything he feels forced into or that he is going to regret. I just want him to make the right decision for him, and be happy with our wedding. At the same time, I don’t want to look at our wedding photos for years to come with a bad taste in our mouths because of OF1 being there.
FI is also feeling really apprehensive about what OF1 is going to plan for the stag, partially because he made a lot of offensive comments about how the stag do is for ‘punishing’ him, not for celebrating (not what FI wants at all, he just wants a good night with his dad, uncles and friends) and partly because he’s been such a crappy unreliable friend that he’s worried he won’t bother to organise anything properly at all.
What does he do, bees? Kick him out? Pretend it never happened and let the friendship drift away? Try to talk about it more with the hope they will come to some kind of understanding (or potentially push each other further away)? Something else we haven’t though of? All advice gratefully appreciated