BEST MAN not coming cause of controlling Wife!

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
7098 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

It sucks that his brother might not be able to come, but I think you just need to accept that when having a DW.

Post # 4
Member
715 posts
Busy bee

@jdeleon14255:  Sorry, maybe I am missed that, but: What’s the reason for having a Philippines-wedding? Is your family from there? or do you just want a beach wedding? (which of course is fine as well)

I think it’s sad that your FSIL is not more supportive of your & FI’s choices. And it’s especially sad that your FMIL is so generaous and offering to pay and they still decline. How bad is her fear of flying? (She’s been to Egypt, right? so that involves flying as well?) 

Can’t the four of you sit down and have an honest talk. You and FI stating how important it would be for you to have his brother (and the wife I guess) celebrating your wedding day with you?

Post # 5
Member
7410 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@Westwood:  +10000

I think you are overreacting and using this as an excuse to justify your clear hate for this woman.

They get to decide if they spend their time and money on going to your DW, not you.

Post # 6
Member
397 posts
Helper bee

@jdeleon14255: It sounds like you are placing most of the blame on your SIL, when your BIL is equally as “guilty”. Either way, when you have a DW like that, you should expect people to not come. They don’t have to justify why they won’t be there, especially if they have their own family to worry about and are TTC on top of that. That is priority to them, and is understandable. You also said you need a local UK wedding for it to be legal, then stated you weren’t having one. So, I’m not sure which is which. 

I think this has less to do with her control issues, and more to do with constantly changing plans and such. If you were having a local wedding, I’m sure that they simply assumed it would be easier to attend that one. I can’t say that I would attend a family members local wedding, and then feel obligated to fly overseas for a second one. It sounds like neither one is crazy about going. 

You don’t have to have a wedding that is convenient for everyone, but def don’t expect everyone to attend.

Post # 7
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Westwood:  +1. Not everyone comes to destination weddings and they don’t owe you an explanation either. It’s their time off work, their money for expenses, and their choice. 

Post # 10
Member
1125 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

Meh. Their time and money, their choice. Even if the wife is as controlling as you say, your FBIL is married to her and as such, she takes priority over his brother… having a DW means you accept the possibility that no one comes.

Post # 13
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@jdeleon14255:  What?!?

You seem really, really invested in making your FSIL the bad guy here. Why? Your FBIL is a big boy and responsible for his own decisions. 

The truth is, when you choose a destination wedding, you are choosing location over people. If your FSIL or FBIL don’t choose to use their time and money to attend your DW, you need to accept that.

Guess what? Your FBIL’s first priority is his wife – not you, his brother or your wedding. If HE chooses not to attend, that’s HIS CHOICE and you should accept his decision father than looking to assign blame.

Post # 14
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Ya, it is the price you pay when you choose to have anything other than a Traditional Family Wedding held locally…

People who have Destination Weddings, Elope or run on down to the Court House always end up with someone that is dissappointed…

It is just par for the course… and the risk you take when you choose a DW.

So I don’t see why you are quite so upset about it… you should have figured that having people not travel was A REAL POSSIBILITY !!

To be honest, I don’t know why you care so much about them coming to the Phillippines… afterall by then you will be married already… and I assume, that they’ll have witnessed that Ceremony (the smaller, first one / the legal one).

Personally I think they have very valid reasons for not going… (Money – Fear of Flying – TTC / Pregnant etc)… if it bothers you so much, then you should figure out some way to have a bigger event for Friends & Family in the UK to mark your Wedding… Maybe a Celebration Reception when you get back.

 

Post # 15
Member
3570 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

18 hours is a hugely long flight.  Not everyone likes DWs.  I wouldn’t travel that far for one.  You say you have no judgment that she doesn’t work, but in the next breath say that he has to do all the hard work.  They are not obligated to give you a reason.

Post # 16
Hostess
7630 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

Maybe they feel bad like going and think they need to constantly make up reasons for it. I would ask them not to talk to you about it anymore – just say it’s fine and no more conversation is necessary. 

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