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I was at a friend's house in high school and his mom was ironing... she said to me:
"whenever you do housework, leave evidence of it out when your husband gets home so he knows you did it, or he will just think that the house runs itself... so when I iron, I leave the shirts hanging out in the living room, and then after he's been home for a while, I put them away."
I brushed it off and thought it was kind of a bizzare thing to say... I was like, OK crazy lady. But now I do it all the time! For instance, today I mopped, so I left the mop outside of the mop closet. Mr. Peng got home 10 mins ago and the first thing he said was, "Oh! You mopped for Bruce! (His friend coming into town tomorrow)"
If I didn't do stuff like that (leave the vaccum out if I vaccum, hang shirts in the living room when I iron, etc), just like my friend's mom said... he'd just assume the house stayed clean on it's own!
What's the best wifely advice you've gotten?
That is GREAT advise! The best advise I heard was today from Mrs SeaBreeze... she said a man in his 90 told her the key to a happy marriage was having a sense of humor. I thought that was great advise :)
Ha ha. Love it. My MIL said to a good friend once, "Wow, your husband treats you like a Queen." Her response, "That's because I treat him like a King."
And I think it's true- I do nice things for Mr. Peep just so he'll do nice things for me in return!! Three weeks in and it's working!
That's good advice!
I read a fable once where whenever the wife was asked to do something, she dropped everything and did it right away. It sounds old-fashioned, but it struck me as a way to show your partner that they are a priority.
So whenever I'm asked to do something small that I could easily procrastinate (getting a drink from the fridge, putting away some food, getting some advil out of the cabinet), I drop everything and do it right away.
At least, I try to... if the tasks is a big one or if I'm working on something critical, I'm not able to. But little things, I hope I'm pretty good at doing right away...
Mr. Bee- I just read that to Mr. Peep- and got a good laugh- he *thinks* he does that already!!
That's great advice Mr. Bee! That's something that def. bothers me... if I ask Mr. Peng to do something (like clear off the table cause its dinner time) and he doesnt do it right away I get irked. But if he says, "I'm paying a bill" or "looking up directions online" or something, then I'm totally ok with it. It just bugs when he says OK and then does it 3 mins later. Maybe I will try to lead by example and do things right away if he asks! I admit to also being a slacker on this front too!
No one ever tries to give me marriage advice! These are all good, though.
I have two. I guess they're more general marriage advice than 'wifely'.
First came from one of our 'wish cards' from the reception. It came from an uncle who has been married for many years. He wrote...
"Be excellent to each other." - I love the sentiment behind that one.
Also, written in a card...
"Don't be afraid to go to bed angry. Sometimes, it's just better in the morning."
Here's one Mr. Mary Jane actually taught me:
When you're having a discussion/debate/argument, repeat back your understanding of the last thing the other person said before you say your piece.This way you avoid fighting that's based on simple misinterpretations.
Really bad example:
Wife: I prefer McDonalds to Burger King.
Husband: Are you saying you don't like Burger King?
Wife: No, I'm just saying I like McDonalds more - their fries are better.
Husband: Oh, good, because if you didn't like Burger King, I don't know how we could keep this marriage together.
We've been doing this for months now and I'd say it's cut our disagreements down by 95%. I'll say something, then he'll say "From what I'm hearing, you're saying ____. I don't agree because..." Then i have a chance to either correct his misunderstanding, or affirm that did understand me correctly.
Ha - the best thing I heard was from a friend's guest book. Apparently the advice read "FIGHT NAKED!"
JeniRae - I sometimes think sleeping on it is great medicine too even though all the advice books advise you not to! Sometimes you just realize that the fight is too petty to keep arguing about in the morning.... and you're glad you didn't waste your breath trying to resolve it before you went to bed. If the argument is serious, it might not be the best way to go, but typically our arguments are pretty lame and not worth arguing about!
It might have been here on wedding bee I read it, in another post, or may not have (I get things mixed up sometimes lol) but someone once said that the advice they were given is that when making dinner, if it's taking a little longer than expected and hubby is bugging you about when dinner will be ready, just start setting the table and they'll just assume its almost done and not bug you about it lol
Love the advice about leaving little things out if you did house work though! It's brilliant
I was at a shower and my cousin got the advice "Always brush your teeth before bed....you never know what might happen." Tee hee!!
Heh, I've heard fight naked, it works, we've done it!
I think one of my favorite ones was from my piano teacher, and it comes in the form of a story...
She and her husband are both concert-level pianists, and are involved in a lot of different performance stuff in our community. She doesn't like high-level performance, so she performs in a piano club occasionally. He performs with the state symphony. One month, her club performance was the same week as his symphony performance. She cancelled hers because he needed her. At first, I thought that was stupid because why should it all be about him, and why should her performance interfere with his, as they were different days. But he needed her to listen to his last few rehearsals, to be there backstage to calm him down before he went on, without her performance in the back of her mind to distract her, she gave it up gladly. Then I realized that of course her own performance was important to her, but what was more important was HIM. Just him, not whose performance was most important.
And I realized that sometimes being a good wife (or a good spouse, it can go both ways) is sometimes you just give things up, that maybe he could have dealt with it if you didn't, but you do because you love him and you WANT to give.
Penguin... that is such good advice...
Im soooo doing that from now on!!!
Wow, you guys all have great advice! Most of my good advice comes from this post!
Great advice! Pengy, I love that! I'm going to have to try it and see what happens.
I never quite understood the "Don't go to bed angry" thing. I think sometimes it's better to let things settle down some and discuss it later, as in the next day sometime. I guess there could be a problem if you let several nights go by where you go to bed angry????
MJ, we've been trying to practice that "active listening" technique since we learned about it in counseling. it's very helpful!
One more post from tonight that I'm adding to favorites. Have I mentioned that I love the favorites feature? 
MJ that is really great advise. My mom taught me that when I was little and it works well when Mr Frenchie and I are discussing something.
I really agree that it's ok to go to bed angry. I'm always much less riled up if I get a chance to cool off, and him too! I really liked John Gottman's book, "Seven Principles of Marriage" and I think the main piece of insight that I've used from it is that healthy couples make an effort to de-escalate conflict. Whether it's saying "you're right, honey," or saying "I understand why you're frustrated" or asking to take a break from a fight to cool off, or simply touching their hand, all of these are ways to keep a fight from escalating. I think my husband is really good at this, and I'm getting better! The other thing that I think was really valuable from that book was its advice to "dwell" on your spouse's good qualities. One of his exercises is to think of three good qualities of your spouse, and then think of a concrete example of when they exhibited that quality. It really works! You end up feeling all warm and fuzzy about your spouse, and that shows in the relationship. Sometimes we let ourselves focus on the negative, and it's good to counteract that with positive, loving thoughts. :-)
I have a couple, lol. The first is actually pretty funny now that I think about it.
It was when I was first getting "serious" with my now-fiance and my dad said something along the terms "When youre married it's not like dating. You see each other even when you're not all dressed up and ready to go, you deal with the farts and other gross things, it's not like dating- you get dressed to your best, on your best behavior, and you hang out for a few and go home."
At the time, I'm like, dad- ew. Gross, please don't ever say fart to me again. Lol. NOW I really know what he was talking about.
The other advice was from my grandmother and I think from my father too- she said that you cannot make a relationship work unless you both have forgiveness. You both forgive each other even when you're so mad. You forgive and you talk about what made you upset and you fix it.
It's so true.
My fi's uncle firmly believes: Happy Wife, Happy Life.
I like that one. I think it's true. I think it goes both ways though, but its a cute reminder.
My dad has been married three times, divorced three times. But even though his track record is awful, I really value his advice. He told me that emotions change and shift in a marriage, including feelings of love and affection (I think we've all heard this--like people saying the "spark" is gone but they do still deeply love each other). What REALLY holds a marriage together is respect.
A good marriage is ultimately based on respecting each other. You can love someone to death, but if there isn't respect, it's not going to work. I mean, a lot of good advice does boil down to respect for each other's feelings and opinions, even if you don't agree. So it really struck a chord with me.
Loving all the advice here!
These are great! I have one to offer - ironically, my FI told me about it! It's his father's advice to him. He says to never keep score. So if I ask him to do something around the house for me, he won't say, "But I did it last time!" he'll just do it. And vice versa of course!
One of my BM's mothers told me that the key is to hold hands and make out often.
My parents have been together since they were in middle school. Their unity and love for each other amazes me every day. My mom has two sayings that have really stuck with me.
"Yes, we're married. But that doesn't change the fact that he's my boyfriend."
&
"Slow dance in the kitchen at least once a week."
They're all about the romance and sweetness!
I love all of these! My cousin gave me advice recently, she said, "Love is not a feeling. Love is a choice, so wake up every morning choosing to love your husband." That's stuck ever since she said it.
I agree that it is ok to go to bed angry especially if is something trivial that you are most likely fighting about due to tierdness. I usually tend to forget what is even about by morning.
Some of the best advice I got was from my grandparents when I ws a teenager. (It is similar to what other ladies said)
My grandfather asked my grandmother to make him a cup of tea and my aunt said to her, "Why are you doing that, he can make his own cup" My grandmother responded, "Because I know he will do the same for me if I ask."
The best advice I've heard is here on this board!! So many of these little tidbits will definitely come in handy... I especially love "Don't keep score" and "Yes, we're married. That doesn't change the fact that he's my boyfriend"
I think its so easy for women to take advantage of their husbands... we just expect too much sometimes. Men are fairly simple creatures, we just have to learn the right way to treat them!
My mom bought me "The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands" when we first got engaged. It sets women's lib back a bit, but there's such truth to this book. Now I keep my irrational thoughts & ridiculous expectations in check :)
I leave "clues" that I did something around the house too! Like after I hand wash dishes that can't go in the dishwasher I leave them to dry until he's around and then put them away. Or if I do laundry, I leave the clothes in the basket until he can see me put them away. Usually he notices, says thankyou, and helps finish whatever is left of the chore! BUT somehow he can't do these things on his own.
The other one mentioned that we are trying really hard to live by is "don't keep score". It's a toughy sometimes!
best advice i ever got was from my almost-MIL. it was "always treat each other like you're still in the "courting" phase...be sweet, do small, nice things for each other frequently, and be really affectionate." we definitely took her advice to heart, so much so that last week at my fiance's tux fitting she told us (jokingly!) "stop kissing, you two! you've been together for 3 1/2 years, for goodness' sake!"
Wow! Great advice..thanks much. The one I have is that if he comes up with a creative suggestion that is not life or death situation but touchy because he is trying to help... don't just point blank, shoot it down immediately. Say something tactful like, Thanks, I'll take that into consideration. Later, you can give clearly thoughtful reasons of why you decided to do it another way, if it comes up.
808bride, that is a good one, and definitely something I should work on! I love this thread, I totally thought of it this morning as I was about to put away clothes from the dryer and then thought, hmm, maybe I'll fold them and leave them in the basket 'til hubs gets home, haha.
This is great advice and has inspired me to set up a "Marriage Advice" basket at our reception, next to our guest book! If others do it too please share some of your best!
I have a couple to add. The first two come from my mom. "Always choose your battles." and "Never ever ever put each other down." The second from our premarital counselor "You don't have to always like each other, but you have to always respect each other."
The last actually isn't advice per se but is from a study I recently learned about in my positive psychology course. Apparently researchers did a study to determine what leads to the happiest of marriages. They found that in the majority of bad marriages, it was keeping things from your partner that contributed to the bad relationship. However, the reverse was not true- that in good marriages, partners tell each other absolutely everything. Rather, it was that couples in a good marriage always view their partner in a postive way. I think the phrase they used actually was having selective, positive delusions about your partner! In other words, instead of seeing your partner in a grouchy mood and saying to yourself or him or others, "He's in a grouchy mood because he's a grouch sometimes" it was, "he's in a grouchy mood because he didn't get enough sleep last night, or because he had a tough day at the office, or because he is disappointed with the way things turned out, etc." Always viewing their partner in a positive way and making positive excuses for their negative behavior was common among the majority of all happy marriages. Interesting, huh?!
One of my favorites from a recent bridal shower is: "Always be each other's biggest fan." I love this because not only does it mean to support and encourage each other's hobbies (i.e. I go to his baseball games and he goes to my races), but that you never lose that respect and admiration for the other person. I think it's important for people to have their own interests and to feel encouraged by the other. And it's important to feel respected for your strengths and skills. I once overheard him telling a friend how amazing it was that I was training for a marathon and that I had so much dedication. He hadn't ever told that to me directly, but at that point I knew he was a fan.
I'm loving all this advice! =) I don't really have any to share -- we're far enough off that no one's thought to discuss it with us. But my parents have been giving me good advice all the way through the relationship. The best example is probably "make sure you're on the same page before proceeding with something". =D
My MIL told us to always be nice to each other. Seems so easy to do, but it's also easy to slip into being mean and nasty to each other because you are thinking in the back of your head "oh, it's my husband/wife, they love me no matter what so I don't have to be 'nice'".
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