Weddingbee boards

Such great advice!  I don't have anything insightful to add at the moment!

I really agree that it's ok to go to bed angry.  I'm always much less riled up if I get a chance to cool off, and him too!  I really liked John Gottman's book, "Seven Principles of Marriage" and I think the main piece of insight that I've used from it is that healthy couples make an effort to de-escalate conflict.  Whether it's saying "you're right, honey," or saying "I understand why you're frustrated" or asking to take a break from a fight to cool off, or simply touching their hand, all of these are ways to keep a fight from escalating.  I think my husband is really good at this, and I'm getting better!  The other thing that I think was really valuable from that book was its advice to "dwell" on your spouse's good qualities.  One of his exercises is to think of three good qualities of your spouse, and then think of a concrete example of when they exhibited that quality.  It really works!  You end up feeling all warm and fuzzy about your spouse, and that shows in the relationship.  Sometimes we let ourselves focus on the negative, and it's good to counteract that with positive, loving thoughts.  :-)

My dad has been married three times, divorced three times. But even though his track record is awful, I really value his advice. He told me that emotions change and shift in a marriage, including feelings of love and affection (I think we've all heard this--like people saying the "spark" is gone but they do still deeply love each other). What REALLY holds a marriage together is respect.

A good marriage is ultimately based on respecting each other. You can love someone to death, but if there isn't respect, it's not going to work. I mean, a lot of good advice does boil down to respect for each other's feelings and opinions, even if you don't agree. So it really struck a chord with me.

Loving all the advice here!

These are great!  I have one to offer - ironically, my FI told me about it!  It's his father's advice to him.  He says to never keep score.  So if I ask him to do something around the house for me, he won't say, "But I did it last time!" he'll just do it.  And vice versa of course!

My parents have been together since they were in middle school. Their unity and love for each other amazes me every day. My mom has two sayings that have really stuck with me.

"Yes, we're married. But that doesn't change the fact that he's my boyfriend."

&

"Slow dance in the kitchen at least once a week."

They're all about the romance and sweetness!

I love all of these! My cousin gave me advice recently, she said, "Love is not a feeling. Love is a choice, so wake up every morning choosing to love your husband." That's stuck ever since she said it.

808bride, that is a good one, and definitely something I should work on!  I love this thread, I totally thought of it this morning as I was about to put away clothes from the dryer and then thought, hmm, maybe I'll fold them and leave them in the basket 'til hubs gets home, haha.

This is great advice and has inspired me to set up a "Marriage Advice" basket at our reception, next to our guest book! If others do it too please share some of your best! 

I have a couple to add. The first two come from my mom. "Always choose your battles." and "Never ever ever put each other down." The second from our premarital counselor "You don't have to always like each other, but you have to always respect each other." 

The last actually isn't advice per se but is from a study I recently learned about in my positive psychology course. Apparently researchers did a study to determine what leads to the happiest of marriages. They found that in the majority of bad marriages, it was keeping things from your partner that contributed to the bad relationship. However, the reverse was not true- that in good marriages, partners tell each other absolutely everything. Rather, it was that couples in a good marriage always view their partner in a postive way. I think the phrase they used actually was having selective, positive delusions about your partner!  In other words, instead of seeing your partner in a grouchy mood and saying to yourself or him or others, "He's in a grouchy mood because he's a grouch sometimes" it was, "he's in a grouchy mood because he didn't get enough sleep last night, or because he had a tough day at the office, or because he is disappointed with the way things turned out, etc." Always viewing their partner in a positive way and making positive excuses for their negative behavior was common among the majority of all happy marriages. Interesting, huh?! 

One of my favorites from a recent bridal shower is: "Always be each other's biggest fan."  I love this because not only does it mean to support and encourage each other's hobbies (i.e. I go to his baseball games and he goes to my races), but that you never lose that respect and admiration for the other person.  I think it's important for people to have their own interests and to feel encouraged by the other.  And it's important to feel respected for your strengths and skills.  I once overheard him telling a friend how amazing it was that I was training for a marathon and that I had so much dedication.  He hadn't ever told that to me directly, but at that point I knew he was a fan.