Post # 1
Okay. Let me give you ladies a little bit of history here.
One of my bestfriends, we will call her J, is my finaces ex girlfriend of 2 years. When she and I met, we couldn’t stand eachother. After an almost fight between myself and J, and several arguments between my fiance and I, I made him choose. Me or her. (he was talking to her at least once or twice a day for hours on end)
Over the years, thanks to the internet, she and I put our differences aside and became really close. We considered eachother to be bestfriends. I flew to KY to see her graduate college, and when she come home for visits, she stays with me.
Everyone thought this was odd (she and I included, but we just rolled with it) The whole time she and I became close and hung out, my fiance didn’t talk to her, so as not to cause any problems with me. This was working out fine for several years, until…
I asked J to be one of my bridesmaids once I got engaged. My fiance then told me that he thought it would be too wierd with her being in it. Despite she and I are bestfriends. So I had to tell her that he thought it was too wierd, but told her that I would still love for her to come to the wedding.
She emailed me today telling me that if she couldn’t be friends with both of us, then she couldn’t be friends with me and has decided to cut off all contact. What I don’t understand is that for the past several years, we have been fine with being friends, and her and my fiance not talking…
I am really hurt by this, I thought she and I were beyond all of that. Thoughts/
Post # 3
I’m not sure either. Maybe having a friendship with you, previously didn’t seem problematic, with regards to your FI. Without being in contact with him, maybe she just didn’t think much about it. But now that he thinks her being a BM seems strange, she feels like this stuff with him is impacting the dynamics of your relationship. Maybe it seems awkward to her, like your Fi sill has a hang up?
Can you try to mend the situation? Can you ask him to reconsider? Can you compromise a little with the whole not talking to each other thing? Has everyone truly moved on and mended? If you two have really been that close, I’d try to straighten things out with her. At the least she is probably feeling hurt that she was asked to be a BM, then kicked out shortly after.
Good luck. Sounds like a tricky situation.
Post # 4
That does sound very hard. But I think it might be for the best. I’m not clear whether you live with your FH now, but I’m guessing not if she stays with you and he doesn’t talk to her. I would think that it will be very hard to continue the friendship once you do live together. I can see why she might not want to continue the friendship knowing it is still so wrought with emotional issues for you.
Also, it sounds like you don’t have problems with your FH talking to her anymore, but the whole incident might just leave a bad taste in his mouth. Speaking from personal experience, i think the best thing to do at this point might be to just let it go. There was a recent ex (whom he later admitted so still have some lingering feelings for though no interest in acting on them) that my FI was still friends with when we started dating. I didn’t in principle have an issue with having female friends, but he was so weird about their friendship that I sensed there was maybe some lingering feelings. And b/c he wasn’t up front about them it really made me uncomfortable (I’d had too may similar experiences that ended with a guy cheating). So eventually I had to be honest and say that I couldn’t handle their friendship (espeically so early in our relationship), and leave it to him to decide what to do. Needless to say he chose me, but it’s not really something we like to talk or think about b/c it was so hard for us. I can see how maybe your FH might have similar feelings and really prefer not to have any reminder of it.
So I guess I’m saying that for the sake of your marriage it might be worth it to respect your friends wishes. I’m sorry b/c I know that will be very sad, but in the long run it might be the easiest for everyone.
Post # 5
I really hope this doesn’t sound harsh, but I can see her position.
I think you will understand better if you put yourself in her shoes- would you want to be friends with someone when you knew their FI/husband didn’t like you/couldn’t talk to you/etc because of the friend’s actions?
If you hadn’t been barred them from speaking early on and they were able to still be friends it would be different.
It just seems weird that years ago you made him choose, and now she’s doing something similar.
You made your FI give up a friend. Now she’s your friend and he’s supposed to just be fine with that? And your friend is supposed to stand with you on your wedding day and support you when she isn’t allowed to talk to the groom and he doesn’t even want her there?
I think it puts her and your FI in a really awkward position. I’m not suprised by either of their reactions.
It’s kind of like the saying, "you reep what you sow." Since you forbade them from having contact years ago, your friend is now cutting off contact with you.
Post # 6
I’m with others, I think she probably has legitimate reasons. Maybe it was one thing to be friends with you while you were *single*, but now that you will officially be joined for life to her ex, she wants to either cut off contact or become friends with both of you. Your fiancee and her are in a weird position; you know her because she used to be with him, but now she’s in your wedding?
The more negative side of me says maybe she was always hoping you would break up and she can move back in.
Post # 7
It makes sense that she is hurt after you asked her to be a bridesmaid and then asked her to step down because your FI said it would be weird but said she was still welcome to attend the wedding as a guest. She might also feel like you still don’t trust her after all these years because she’s still not allowed to talk to your FI. If you guys are best friends, this should all be in the past. I give you a lot of credit for being able to befriend her and become so close but I think you are expecting a lot if you think her and your FI should be able to look over all of this and allow her to play such a large part in your wedding, especially when they are still not able to talk to each other.
This is probably for the best, even though it’s hard to lose a friend. Maybe in time, she will open up and be willing to start talking again.
Post # 8
I kinda agree with the others, but noticed that no one suggested talking to your finance and the girl – together, in the same room. Reconnect them with clear expectations of being *just* firends. Maybe now that you are all settled into your respective roles (husband, wife, friend) it will be easy to all hang out again. You were the one who forbade them to talk, now if you want to keep them both in your life with the same kinds of relationships you have with them now, the impotus is on you to get rid of the akwardness. Combining lives that have been partially separate before marrige is wicked tough, but you have to compromise. Either that or I agree with everyone – you’ll have to be done with her. That may be the best answer, if bringing them back together seems like it could rekindle something that could ruin your marriage. Hopefully now that you are getting married, yopu have a stronger confidence in him staying faithful to you.