Between a Million Rocks and a Million Hard Places: A Saga

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
356 posts
Helper bee

@DuckEBee:  Woof-dah! Thats a whole lotta drama. I would maybe tell your FI that you need his support and you’re very stressed, and it’d be nice to feel the support of his family as well. After all, you’re not marrying yourself- you’re marrying him. Both families should be apart of the wedding planning and stress. Traditionally its the brides family that pays for the wedding, while the grooms family pays for the rehersal dinner. I dont feel like it would be too much to ask, espeically seeing that you’re family is forking out what sounds to be SEVERAL thousands of dollars for your big day.

Post # 4
1666 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@DuckEBee:  This is what happens when you accept money for the wedding from other people. I’m not judging you for that choice because it was the right one for you guys at the time, but when you open that door you also open up the chance of stuff like this happening.

Also, while it would be nice of your FI’s parents to help out somehow they aren’t really obligated to do so – neither are your parents. They simply have different views about things than you and your family do. Its entirely possible that they haven’t offered to help because they feel a wedding should be paid for by the Bride and Groom – the whole idea that if you’re old enough to get married your old enough to pay for it yourself. It doesn’t make them bad people or uncaring people, it just makes them different than your parents and there isn’t anything wrong with that. Just keep your head up and try not to talk financials with FI’s parents from now on. They can’t mock or belittle your choices if they don’t hear about them.

As for the wedding planner and Mom situation, you should be honest with the wedding planner about what is going on. She needs to be made aware that your mom is getting resentful because she can’t help diffuse the situation if she doesn’t know. And you should consider speaking with your Mom again about how the planner is simply trying to help and you really don’t think she is doing anything wrong.

Post # 6
2501 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@DuckEBee:  I understand the wedding planning is stressful, but you need to cut your FIs family some slack. They are not required to pay or do anything for your wedding.

Either are your parents, so I would be grateful for all the help you DO have and try to accept the role your FIs family has taken. Why would they be super involved? The brides family is paying, you have a wedding planner, and they clearly are NOT used to this type of wedding. I would let them take the lead on how much they want to be involved. If you keep trying to force them to be involved financially, it could cause a huge rift. 

Have you FI talk to them about a rehearsal, and if they do not want to host, you cannot force them too. Accept it for what it is, and focus your energy on the people who are helping you. 

Also, nobody will willingly volunteer to stuff envelopes. 

Post # 9
261 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

You absolutely don’t get a say in how other people spend their money. You actually sound a lot like my sister in law when she was planning her wedding with my brother. She expected a LOT from everyone, except my parents don’t have any money. They could barely afford to get to the wedding. It caused animosity and general sh*ttieness for years. I’d back off, if I were you. You don’t want to go into a marriage like that. Trust me.

Post # 10
8850 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

I’m guessing you might get some flack here, cause this is kind of the epitome of a first world problem.  

I agree with PPs that you should have your FI just ask your in-laws if they have any plans for the rehearsal dinner.  If not, drop it.  It’s their money, they can spend it however they want.

As for DIY help, if your wedding is in October, that’s still 8 month out.  Very few people have it on their radar this early.

For the guest list, if it’s not already made, it’s certainly within your bounds to limit them to a particular number.  You don’t have to be bitter about them inviting a disproportionate amount, you just don’t let them do that.

And man, I am sorry but your mom sounds like a real nutjob.  I feel for you, having to deal with all of that.  But when you opened up your wedding to being planned and funded by her, you basically are inviting her personality to also take over, ya know?  This part: my family is really just livid that his is just sitting back letting them fork over the big bucks while contributing no moral support and acting clueless about a little rehearsal dinner… that’s REALLY not cool of them.  It was their decision to fork out tens of thousands of dollars and SO not their place to judge anyone else who didn’t make the same decision.  Those people will be your family soon too, and you and your FI need to tell your family to back off.

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