Between a rock and a hard place

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
42089 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

TheAnxiousBride:  I disagree that this is a conversation that your mother should have with your father. You are 33 years old. You and your FI should be planning the wedding that the two of you can afford. Any contributions from parents are purely optional. We are long past the time when parents were automatically expected to pay for their children’s weddings.

Post # 3
2894 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

TheAnxiousBride:  or pay for you wedding yourself. That eliminates the need for any awkward convos. 

Post # 4
2182 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Practice the following: “

1. “Mom if you want to tell/ask Dad something I’m gonna ask that you do it yourself. I won’t be in the middle anymore.” Repeat ad nauseum.

2. “Mom, I really appreciate anything you’re willing to contribute to our wedding. Please give whatever you feel comfortable with and Dad will do the same. When you ask me to make sure that the cost is split we both know that the cost won’t be split but I will.”

3. “I don’t know how much Dad will contribute, if you want to ask him please do it yourself. I won’t be in the middle anymore.”

Post # 5
97 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Has your dad expressed any interest in giving you money for the wedding? I think if your mom wants to give you money then great, she should give you how ever much she wants and can afford regardless of whether your dad gives you money or not. 

I would not expect your parents who don’t speak to magically cooperate with each other because of your wedding, mine certainly didn’t. 

Post # 6
7282 posts
Busy Beekeeper

TheAnxiousBride:  It is not your mothers decision if and what your father contributes to your wedding. It is his choice. 

Plan on paying for your own wedding and then graciously accept any help that is offered. Do not solicate the help and definately do not emotionally balckmail your father (with the mum said or mum is doing this crap) into funding your wedding.

Post # 7
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

This seems odd to me. Your mom has not spoken to your father about money, but she “plans” for him to split the costs with her? This is a huge assumption.

But assuming that he is willing, I would not make a fuss. You’re lucky to be getting any money from either of them at all, so I would suck it up and do whatever you have to do. I would not complain about being in the middle… of two people who are willing to pay for your wedding. Sounds like an ok place to be.

Post # 8
1527 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

If my dad had a history of not helping with college, there is no way I would ask my mom to help with wedding.  Seriously,  She and Stepdad paid for all college, its time to stand on your own two feet, pay for your wedding and YOU ask your dad to chip in.  

Post # 9
657 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I would just do nothing. Tell your mom you aren’t expecting your dad to pay anything and that she can chip in if she wants but it’s not expected. Any money you get from either of them is a bonus.

Post # 10
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I would argue that an ex of 29 years has no right to “plan” for howyour dad spends his money. If he wants to contribute, let him offer.

Post # 11
2385 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

TheAnxiousBride:  I’m just curious- if they don’t talk how does she know that he will contribute as well- esp the same amount? Thats a huge assumption…. traditionally speaking, yes he should as the father of the bride, but times have changed and in this economy I hardly think that’s a given anymore… I would tell mom you are not counting on him contributing anything and if she wants to take that up with him, be your guest, but its rude to be asking anyone to pay for your choices/wants… If he offered that would be one thing, but it doesnt sound like he did…. 

And ya, I agree with PP’s that if mom & stepdad paid for college you should consider paying for your wedding yourself instead of riding on your parent’s dime again… Sorry, if that sounds harsh but I have yet to take any money from my parents except a loan my mom took out for my college, but I pay that bill for her monthly as well so it’s not really her responsibility except on paper… I figure they paid for every single thing up until I was 18, the least I can do is support myself now and maybe pay back some of their kindness and generosity if I am able… 

Post # 12
1025 posts
Bumble bee

My hubby and I are 28 and we paid for our wedding ourselves (we saved for the wedding we wanted and made many sacrifices during the year of planning). Any help from our parents/family was greatly appreciated but not expected. At 33, I would say you should just plan the wedding you can afford because otherwise you’re setting yourself up for an uncomfortable situation that could potentially ruin one of the most important days of your lives. 

Post # 14
1180 posts
Bumble bee

TheAnxiousBride:  If the stance of your mom is that she’ll go half on the wedding with your father, then yeah, personally I think she should discuss it with him. However, knowing the history that they don’t, and won’t, talk to each other, I believe the best route would be to go to your parents separately and just ask them for a dollar amount they are willing to contribute, then only count on the money you, FI, and your mom have committed. That way if your dad flakes, it won’t interrupt your plans. 

Post # 15
1025 posts
Bumble bee

TheAnxiousBride:  I think we are all offering constructive feedback. My apologies if you feel that people are attacking your maturity. I think what we’re trying to convey is that if you’re concerned your father will not contribute then don’t expect him to and then plan accordingly. There isn’t an appropriate way to ask for money from your parents (in my opinion). So take the situation for what it is. If you really want your parents to contribute, then bite the bullet and just ask and face the consequences (and have a back-up plan). If you’re worried about the consequences, then pay for the wedding yourselves. 

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