Bf gets squirrelly about marriage

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
5484 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

The only thing you can do is sit down and talk to him.  Let him know how you feel.  No second guessing or attempts at mind reading.  Just open up and share.  And be ready to listen.

If he can’t handle it, he can’t handle it.  Better to know now than next year or three years from now.

If he is indeed another commitment phobe, that’s good information for you to have.  You’re starting to see a pattern.  That’s something you can work on–figuring out how it is you’re attracted to men who won’t commit.

Post # 3
Member
258 posts
Helper bee

I just don’t understand this solid line of a one year before a topic is discussed. You mention you are close to that time as it is so his rigid adherence to an arbitrary deadline he decided on would put me off for the future. Sorry to sound pessimistic but from what you describe I would not sell my house and move in until there was an engagement with a set wedding date.

Post # 4
Member
9128 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

I don’t know what difference one more month makes but sure, wait for it. Then tell him the full truth. You want to be married. You won’t be rearranging the mortgages,  selling homes, having kids with out that. Tell him you were strung along for years and you’re not looking for that situation again. Ask him what he sees re marriage, and ask for the truth- not just what you want to hear. If he is against it completely then you move on and atleast you only wasted a year. If he says he’s into it but needs more time, then you talk further about next steps. Maybe one person rents their house out and moves in, with the premise that you’re working towards an engagement. Be clear you’d be expected it soon if you moved in and you won’t be hanging out for years waiting.

Post # 5
Member
2551 posts
Sugar bee

Argh, I would be SUPER irritated that he’s stonewalling me on this subject because we’re four weeks short of the arbitrary deadline he set for discussing our future. What epiphany does he expect to have in the next four weeks that will make him open to discussing this? I feel like he’s treating you like a child…”no, we will not be talking about this now.” If it were me I’d be like “sorry buddy but I am an equal in this relationship and I want to talk about this now…let’s go.”

If you’re worried that merely talking to him about the future will be enough to push him away, then he was never going to commit to you anyway. A guy who is willing to commit is not going to run away because his partner dares to ask him about it. 

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this…it sounds pretty bleak. Next time you see him, I think you should force the discussion again though. Better to know now if he’s a commitment phobe than in another month, or year.

Post # 6
Member
521 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

My FI and I had a similar discussion. I think it’s completely fine to have a set “getting to know you” years before making a big decision like marriage. He could be talking about marriage and kids, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that that vision is something he needs to have with you. 

I think you should respect the one year mark and then reevaluate your relationship. FI and I had a discussion 6 months in whether or not we saw ourselves continuing. 1 year is also a good time to have that same discussion. In some ways, FI and I are no fuss, logical head over heart kind of people, so our mentality may be different from yours but more similar to your SO’s. 

Post # 7
Member
446 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

I haven’t read the other comments but I kinda think you’re not treating yourself the way you’d like him to treat you, if that makes any sense.

My best piece of advice would to NOT say you’re not expecting anything and not say you’re not dropping hints. In a subtle way you’re being dismissive of your true self and kind of shows that you don’t think you deserve the commitment minded relationship you want .

If I was in your shoes I’d be very clear about my wants and needs. I’d make it clear I only want to be in a relationship where we will be married.

This relationship is the first relationship I’ve been in where from the beginning I made it really clear what I wanted. I just would say things like, “There’s no way I’d stay with someone for five years without a commitment “. Thing is, I wasn’t just saying it to try and get married. I totally meant it. I think if I’m not with someone who loves me enough to talk about hard things with me and commit to me, well then, I’ll go and be with someone who will.

 

when I was younger I thought that attitude was being mean, now I realize it’s just loving myself as much as I love the other person.

Post # 8
Member
2551 posts
Sugar bee

littlecats :  “My best piece of advice would to NOT say you’re not expecting anything and not say you’re not dropping hints. In a subtle way you’re being dismissive of your true self and kind of shows that you don’t think you deserve the commitment minded relationship you want.”

+10000

Post # 9
Member
2319 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015 - Ruby Princess

 you are exuding desperation to get married. he is not ready. back off of him. 

Post # 10
Member
685 posts
Busy bee

If I were in his position, I would feel pretty pressured. You say that you guys mutually agreed to table the talk until the one-year mark, but then you kept bringing it up, and when he mentioned your agreement you “got annoyed and said he made an incorrect assumption” ??

I would apologize and wait another month or two, as you agreed. Then schedule a time to have a direct and open conversation about your future.

Based on what you wrote here, I really don’t think he’s being “squirrely.” It sounds like a good relationship. I do think your past relationship and reaction to your sibs’ engagements may be causing you to react differently than you otherwise would. It’s legitimate to want to talk specifics and timelines, but it’s also legitimate to want to wait until the (pretty close) date when you already agreed to talk.

Post # 14
Member
226 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I agree that you’re overreacting, need to table it and relax a bit, etc. etc.

But I just gotta know: what on earth is an “oopsie  relationship?”

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