- 2 weeks ago
I used to visit this site very often a number of years ago as I’d been in a relationship for 6 years and he just wouldn’t commit. Turns out we weren’t right for eachother and we’ve since gone our separate ways. I had a big oopsie relationship after him that took some mending, however I’ve now been with my current SO for just shy of a year. He stuck with me through the fallout from Mr. Oopsie and is a wonderful man.
When we first got together it took me a very long time to get comfortable and let him in. He was in love with me before we even started dating and I knew that, so it was scary to start something with him when he was so far ahead of me. Fast forward 11 months and we are definitely in the same place and very happy. So here’s my pickle…
One of the things that attracted me to him was that he was an “adult”. He had his sh*t together, had a house, had a career, had done amazing things with his life. He had literally seen the world. He was very clear about wanting a life at home and sharing it with the right person. I never sensed even a twinge of commitment phobia from him, which was a breath of fresh air after Mr. 6 years. After some time together, he’d talk openly about the future, having kids, where we’d live. In fact, he’d often bring it up before I did. He had all these thoughts and plans and we’d talk for hours about them. We’d joking talk about living together as we both owned our own homes and didn’t want to move. We’d make light of it and say things like, well my house is better for this, or you know you’ll live here one day, or the cat really doesn’t want to move. One day I bring it up a little more seriously and he makes a comment about waiting til we’d been dating a year before we discussed it. I shurgged it off and thought, it’s early days yet no need to get into it. I noted that we never really talked about marriage in our plans, but figured hey, if we are talking about all that other stuff I guess it’s just assumed it’s in there somewhere! I know marriage is part of his plan, he knows who he wants to marry him one day and has told me this. We’ve discussed our religious differences and how we could accomodate eachother. So, I wasn’t really worried.
Fast forward a few months and I’m getting mixed messages. He’d make comments about how we could sell one house and pay off the mortgage on the other, and had done all this math and told me how much money we could save in a year. I’m pleasantly startled by these facts and express my excitement but he back tracks and says, good to know for the future of course, no rush. Eventually I call him on it and say I’m very confused. We agree to table the discussion until our one year anniversary, then seriously talk about plans and timelines. I agree as I’m not quite ready to part with my house just yet.
Smooth sailing since then. That is, until my little sister gets engaged. (I’m turning 30 next month, he’s 32… just fyi). I’m thrilled for her. My little brother has been engaged for a few years, also thrilled for them. I told my SO over text and was very obviously extremely excited. I’m met with a “Aw, bout time”. Little anti-climactic… I think oh he must be busy I’ll talk to him about it later. I bring it up over dinner at my house. I tell him how excited I am for her, talk about the ring, show him pictures. He seems very uninterested. I talk about how I’m turning 30 this year and both my younger siblings are engaged. And I don’t say it in any particular way, I’m light-hearted about, mostly just commenting on how life has turned out. He mumbles something about how I have an awesome life and changes the subject. I get a bit offended and state that a lot of women my age my start to freak out and that I was actually handling this news very well (both my mum and my sister expected me to freak out). I said he could be a bit more sympathetic. He mumbled something about how I have my career and my brother and sister don’t yet and again changed the subject.
He goes home, I send him a text before bed. Just clarifying that me making those comments doesn’t mean I’m expecting anything or that I’m playing games or dropping hints. I was just making observations and I should be able to talk about them with him without him getting squirrelly. I said it seemed like he was avoiding the topic like it was the plague. He gave some very confusing response about how we weren’t going to talk about moving forward or moving in until we’d reached the one year mark. I got annoyed and said he made an incorrect assumption. He muttered something about trying to be a good boyfriend and listen and respecting our agreement. I couldn’t make heads or tails of his logic so I just let it be.
Now I’m confused and concerned that I have another committment phobe on my hands. His behaviour is so odd. He’s always been open to discuss anything. And when I say anything, I mean anything. He always makes eye contact and participates in the conversation. I always understand him. Now he’s changing subjects, won’t make eye contact, and seems very uncomfortable. My only conclusion is that he assumes I’m going to go engagement crazy with my little sister beating me to the punch. I never gave any reason for him to think that, I even went so far as to clarify that wasn’t the case! With our one year anniversary a month away I know a conversation about moving in is on the horizon but now I’m worried I’m going to have to had a different conversation with him. I don’t know why is seems like a big deal to make sure marriage is on the table someday but I guess I’m scared I’ll scare him off if I bring it up. It caused so many issues and resentment with Mr. 6 years… and I don’t want to go through all that again. I also don’t want him to feel pressure. But I have to know before we make the move to cohabitating.
Has anyone gone through anything similar? Have any advice? I know I need to just stay calm and talk to him when the time is right. I guess I just needed to share!
Thanks, Bees 🙂