Post # 1
Last night the bf fell asleep and hours later when i was trying to go to bed his phone kept going off with annoying notifications. I got up to silence it, and not gonna lie… To see wtf was up with all that commotion at around 3am. Turns out they were emails, and when I checked his inbix the first unread message was from plenty of fish! i read it and it was one of those generic you have matches kind, but it threw me off! It also said his join date was in 2009, so way before we met but ew! i didnt expect to find something like that.
Then I scroll down and see 2 messages from his ex! They were from Thurs-Friday, and she’d initiated them sending him an email saying she’d dreamt of him and was emailing to say hi and that she’d heard he was doing well and was really happy. The bf responded nicely, gave her a very short update on his life and didnt seem to have responded to her email following his. However, I was a bit frustrated because he called her a nickname at the end of the message, it didnt seem like flirting but maybe something he used to call her? Her message back was def flirting though and saying how she’s changed the things that made the relationship not work out. Hes a really friendly guy and ultimately there was nothing bad in those emails but today I cant stop thinking abouT it! Im wondering if I should tell him what I saw, or leave it at that? The emails with his ex Im not that worried about, but plenty of fish??? But then again, it could just be spam? Im conflicted on whether to tell him or not! I dOnt want him to know I invaded his privacy, but Im feeling kinda hurt and with low self esteem now. We have a really open relationship but I feel like what if I told him something and then he began deleting his emails and stuff I shouldnt see? I know I shouldn’t have looked and regret doing so… but what should I do now? I dont want to lose his trust… But my self esteem is also hurting a little! Btw we have a great relationship, its not like things have been feeling different lately or anything like that. Sooo, auggestions? Thanks in advance!!!
Post # 3
This has happened to me and I brought it up. The explanation I received was that he was on a lot of websites and when he met me, didn’t take it upon himself to delete all the accounts because he was too busy dating me (hm?lol). Anyway, he deleted all of his accounts in front of me when I brought it up.
I do have to say that I used to be on a website and it was a little ego boost when someone “liked” me or whatever. I would never act on it, but when my Fiance explained his ego was also inflated a little from this, I understood. Of course, this was before we got engaged, and he is no longer on any of those websites. But sometimes, you can lose sight of what you are a member of and keep receiving emails and spam and don’t bother to put an end to it (for ego or otherwise).
Post # 4
I would say you should tell him. You were going through his e-mail without him knowing and he should feel like his privacy can be respected. And also it sounds like its just going to eat you up thinking about it, so you might as well just get out in front of it and talk about it.
Post # 5
@Imean: Let Plenty Of Fish go. Really. If he joined before he met you, they will spam him. I still get email from eharmony.com, and I’m married.
The ex, I would be worried about her motives based on her “i’ve changed! count the ways!” email. She totally wants your man back. Trust him to do the right thing, but be wary of her.
Post # 6
Hmmm that’s a tough one.
Did you two meet on Plenty of Fish? Or through another means?
You were in the wrong at looking for more e-mails, but if his phone was making a lot of noise seeing the PoF e-mail might be excusable.
It sounds like he’s not entertaining this ex’s flirtations and I wouldn’t worry too much about a nick-name, as long as it wasn’t “Love-y bear” or something like that. If you are used to calling someone something, it might just be your default.
If the PoF e-mail really bothers you, maybe you could just let him know that when you silenced his phone last night (since it was beeping up a storm) you saw that the top e-mail from was PoF. Don’t be accusatory, but maybe ask if he forgot to deactivate his profile?
I’m not really sure how to handle appropriately, but as long as you tread very carefully and do not accuse him of anything it should be ok.
Post # 7
I get e-mails from all sorts of singles sites telling me that “I have matches.” No biggie. The ex-gf thing would bother me, even though it seemed harmless, so I would probably bring it up to put my mind at ease.
Post # 8
I still get Match emails and I deactivated my account years ago. I also get “HOTTT BLACK SINGLES,” emails. Spam is stupid. I’d be more concerned that he didn’t at least mention about the ex.
We could be weird, but Fiance and I have an open-door policy re: being contacted by Ex’s. If you don’t solicit the contact, there’s nothing to hide, so the initial contact and response should be acknowledged. Primarily, it’s for situations like yours- I would hate to see an email like that, but if he casually mentioned it I wouldn’t think anything of it.
It’s only been a few days, so maybe you can find a way to work it into a conversation to make him feel comfortable bringing it up to you before you have to call him on it.
Post # 9
Just be honest and bring it up. If you don’t you will constantly think about it and that could cause you to act differently and cause things to go downhill. The truth is always best!
Post # 10
I would have seen if he responded to any other people from the site. If not, let it go….but actually he shouldn’t be opening emails from the site to the point where he responded to his ex…I used to be on online dating sites and still get crap email from them, but I never open them…I would say something.
Post # 11
I met my Fiance online, but never really, officially closed any of my dating sites. Most of them got the clue, but I still get occasional “you have matches” e-mails from some of them. So I really wouldn’t worry about this.
I probably wouldn’t bring the ex thing up unless you have other suspicions, or something other than e-mails happens. They broke up for a reason, and I’d hope that he remembers that reason. Unless he is open to you reading his e-mail he might get made about that, and cause un-needed stress on your relationship.
Post # 12
I seriously wouldn’t be upset with the Plenty of Fish emails. The site is just spamming him with notifications with “current” matches. No worries about that hun.
In regards to the email correspondence with his ex. He should of at least informed you upfront that his ex has contacted him, unless he genuinely forgot about the entire thing because it was no big deal to him. It does happen.
However, I’d still just mention to him casually like it’s no big deal and say it was truely accidental because the notifications were disrupting your sleep. Don’t show it’s irritating you because from the sounds of it–on his behalf–it’s no big deal. He will feel like you don’t trust him. But his ex on the other hand is a little homewrecker. She just wants what she can’t have.
Post # 13
I think they were separate emails. One from his ex, and one from the dating site.
I would totally open a personal e-mail from my ex, if for no other reason to tell him no to email me again.
Post # 14
I agree with the other ladies: tell him. It’s important you are both open and honest about things in a relationship. Granted, you might be worried over something miniscule that your mind is blowing the situation up. We all do it!
Post # 15
Bells is on point here… they were 2 separate emails. Didnt seem like he entwrtains the PoF emails though. About the ex, he just mentioned he doesnt stay in contact w people from back home often and she was like omg me neither i dont eer go out anymore like before, and u’d thought i’d never mature, im way more of a homebody now! He didnt respond to that email… I might bring it up, but i also feel like i dont have much to worry about since he didnt reapond to her after that, he musta have seen the red flag? Some women have no respect for other’s relationships!
Post # 16
Ok, we talked. I told him I’d seen an email from his ex but had decided not to read it because I’d rather ask him what was going on. He told me she emailed him randomly and he just responded out of curiosity, after all they didn’t end in bad terms. He basically told me word by word what I’d read, and that he didn’t respond to her because he sensed in the email she was talking about how she’d changed, that she was trying to do something more than just send a friendly email. He also told me he wanted to tell her we are getting married, but preferred to just not respond to not take the conversation any further. I am pleased with his response and very happy at his response toward me. I was scared he’d be mad I went through his phone and instead apologized and told the truth. I knew he was a keeper… I guess I just freaked out when I saw her name! lol