BF has no concept of time, I'm crying in bed with the cat!

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
9226 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2018

Hugs! No matter how much we love them, guys can be infuriating sometimes! You were just concerned about his safety, nothing wrong with that.

Post # 3
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

I don’t know what to say, honestly. If he can’t see your perspective, he’s not going to change. It doesn’t sound like you’re an overly demanding person– you just want to make sure he’s not dead.

You’re going to need to come up with a compromise. To do that, you’ll need to talk it out without snark and yelling. Maybe make a date for it.

Post # 4
Member
332 posts
Helper bee

soontobesmith87: Kudos to you for being as patient and tolerant as you are. I could not tolerate this. I went through it for about five years with an ex (crying myself to sleep, always wondering where he was). I get the distress this sort of thing can cause, and am so sorry you have to deal with it. For me, it happened A LOT. It was so awful to go coo-coo crazy worrying every night and eventually became a HUGE source of overwhelming anxiety for me. So, I eventually left and decided it was something that I would never be willing to deal with in a future relationship. 

It doesn’t sound like anything fishy is going on, just that he gets caught up with what he is doing and is totally inconsiderate. There is a mutual obligation in relationships to “check in” and make sure the other person knows you are still alive. Not an unreasonable expectation. To me, what he is doing is sort if mentally/emotionally abusive in a way, just based off of my own experience. 

I’m sure you have explained to him hundreds of times in dozens of different ways about WHY this is not acceptable to you. So, I really don’t see him changing overnight.

Therefore, the only advice I can give you is either accept it for what it is (and that he won’t likely change, unless it’s on his terms). That means giving him free reign, which is NOT fair to you. Or, to not accept it at all… Meaning, making it clear that you will be zero tolerance, and being fully prepared to hold up your end of the bargain by leaving if he continues this. I think you give him more than enough freedom, that he should be able to honor your wishes of just keeping you updated AND coming home when he says he will. 

The last option is to give him a taste of his own medicine, in hopes that he has a wake up call. Maybe he would realize that he should respect your wishes a little more, if he is able to see how much he dislikes you disappearing for entire days/evenings at a time with no idea when he will see you again. However, proceed with caution if that’s the route you choose to go, because playing that sort of game could agitate things further. 

Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
7404 posts
Busy Beekeeper

soontobesmith87:  See I am the opposite. It would drive me nuts having to check in all the time. I think you need to see his perspective as well. It sounds like he has been making a real effort to accommodate you by checking in.

I think you guys need to talk and come up with a happy medium that isn’t constantly checking in or losing track of time.

Post # 6
Member
5432 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014 - Ontario, Canada ♥ EDD- April 2016

I don’t really have any advice, I just want to say that I totally know where you’re coming from and you’re not alone ♥ My FI barely ever goes out, but when he does he acts exactly like your FI and will lose track of time while he’s drinking beer with his friends and then won’t check in and will come home way later than we both expected. It only ever happens with this one friend he has (stereotypical relationship hating frat douche) that I can’t stand aha. It’s not only scary and annoying for me, I feel it’s pretty disrespectful. I thought we had moved past it, but then he did the exact same thing the other night for his bachelor party and it was seriously the last straw. He texted at 2:30am saying he was on his way home and then he didn’t show up until 4am and it shouldn’t have taken that long so I was super worried – especially because I couldn’t get anyone to just tell me where they were and douchefriend had hidden everyone’s phones so they wouldn’t text me. The only thing my FI sent was ‘salsa toldhhiugu linmo to keep dribging’ (douchefriend told limo to keep driving). I later found out that my FI told the limo driver to turn at our street and his douchey friend (the only person the limo driver would listen to since he paid) said to keep driving around the city. It was horrible and my FI was really upset when he got home, because he had wanted to come home earlier. The next day he said he really saw how this one friend always takes advantage of him when he’s drunk and told me that he wouldn’t be going out with him anymore, because he doesn’t feel it’s good for our relationship and he doesn’t feel he’s a real friend. He always said he would change and never did…until now. Basically, my point is that you can beg and cry and argue with your SO for years and he probably won’t change until the change comes from within him. He has to be the one to want to change or he’s just going to be resentful and not super motivated to change. Sorry you’re dealing with this! HUGS ♥

Post # 7
Member
624 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I see your point, but please listen to what he’s telling you: “He is an adult, he can take care of himself, he doesnt feel like he should check in every five minutes, he didnt grow up needing to check in, texting has ruined relationships because it makes us think people can be there 24/7, blah blah blah!”

He feels you’re treating him like a child. IMO, calling him 13 times in a 40 minute span is a bit much. Plus crying and making snarky comments. It’s not going to help. Calm down and next time tell him, “I would be happy if you would call me at X time”. If he forgets, text him once. Don’t scold, cry, freak out, etc. Change how you’ve been handling this and he should respond like an adult too. It may take a little “practice”, but obviously what you’re doing now is not working.

Post # 8
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

im like your bf. it drives me nuts having to check in. i however do not get annoyed by it. i accept it. my so wants the play by play like u. i try my hardest but often i too text im heading home only to get side tracked for another half hour and then roll in a little later than i said. now i dont text that im heading home until im actually in the car. it seems as if your so is maybe showing that he is annoyed with you because maybe he thinks you dont mean well and that you perhaps are just needy and dont have your own life?

Post # 9
Member
9949 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

My husband thinks a lack of communication is normal because that’s how his parents behave.  I think a ton of communication is normal because that’s how my parents behave.  Obviously I’m right…

Post # 9
Member
9949 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

My husband thinks a lack of communication is normal because that’s how his parents behave.  I think a ton of communication is normal because that’s how my parents behave.  Obviously I’m right…

Post # 11
Member
3044 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Calling 13 times when presumably he is driving after a few beers and a late night is dangerous. Wouldn’t it be better for you to be his DD if you are going to wait up super late anyway?  Either that, or accept that there are certain times (like band night) where he could be rolling in at any time of the night.

 

I totally understand that when he has texted to say he is coming home And then he does not that is scary. That is where I would have a problem.  But at the same time, if you let him have his time with other people to focus on the other people and ask him that when he texts to say he is coming home that he does it from the car when he is actually on his way home… Possibly the constant stream of texts is part of what makes him feel like you are checking up on him constantly. I know that is more a modern style but it isn’t is style and you have to appreciate that.

Post # 12
Member
96 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

My FI does the same thing sometimes. If he says he’ll be home by 8, I usually don’t start worrying until 10. You have to operate as if he’s not going to change (because you can’t make him want to change). So you can either keep getting upset or you can simply accept that sometimes he will get sidetracked on his way home. 

Post # 14
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I hear you. I have nearly the same .. He has a band but also a job ( he stopped touring full time and is a special kids (adhd, dawn…) teacher to make sure we are safe moneywise in the future…) but its time demanding and he is a time optimist… He thinks things take 10 minytes when in te end it can be 2 hours:)) i hateit but i just cant make drama everytime… We are trying to have his schedule a bit under control but i guess you know how it works… 

 

Just keep hanging there and remember tey really dont do that on purpose:-)

 

but this “i am on my way” stuff makes me wonder if we are marying the same guy:))

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by  Ivana1988.
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