Weddingbee boards

maybe with the house and all it is too much too soon.  Hopefully with a little more time he will be ready! Good luck!

I don't really believe in timelines and ultimatums and in your case, you are right, it won't work.  The question is, are you willing to wait until he is ready?  Did he state a timeline for how long he thinks it will be?  It could be 6, 10 years? If timing is important to you, then you should have a conversation with him.  Not in a threatening way, but just to get an idea of where his head is at.  Once you have that idea, you can decide for yourself if you are willing to work on the relationship that long.  You have control in this situation, you can make a choice for yourself and not have to wait on him. 

Like you, BF (at the time) and I moved in together before we got engaged and I was not 100% comfortable with it.  I made it clear to him that I was not willing to live together forever and that I still expected the relationship to progress to the next level.  Perhaps you can state your wishes directly so that you and he are on the same page and have the same expectations.

As for the family, I would correct them.  FI and I were together 4+ years when he proposed.  His mother took to introducing me as his fiancee before he proposed and I would correct her in a humorous way. I did so because it was important to me to let fiance and his family know that I think being a GF, FI, and WIFE are very different things. 

Three years is a long time to be with someone.  I believe at this point he should know whether he wants to marry you or not.  Think about what's important to you and express those things. 

Good luck with the boards.  I think his reasons are valid as that was a major part of the hold up with FI and I. 

FWIW, FI feels that a man absolutely knows whether he wants to marry you before the 3 year mark.  Financial concerns are something different.  Best of luck to you both.  I've been there and it gets better!

This is why I'm not co-habitating until there's a ring on my finger. For some people it works out fantastically! You move in, you're happy, and everything goes from there. I think, though, that a lot of the time guys get comfortable. They already have a "wife" so why make it any different? It sounds like he does care about you--if you say you've been together for three years and the longest relationship before that was six months. Six months is NOTHING. It's barely even dating. But if you were uncomfortable moving in...why did you do it? A lot of people say move out, but it's not that simple. Moving out but staying together? To me that's a little like calling off the engagement but continuing to date. It doesn't sit right. An ultimatum is not ever the way to go, but you need to have a serious talk. Sit him down and ask him--does he have ANY kind of timeline in his mind? Or is it just a "well when I finally feel like it," cause he's already getting all of the benefits.

Ouch. That would really bother me. Had he said that he wants to marry you, but would rather wait until y'all were a bit more financially stable, I would understand it more. It kind of sounds like he's unsure of the relationship By three years I think that he should be ready. I think he should at least give you a timeline (that he actually plans on sticking to).

I think that if (and only if) you are content to wait until he's ready then, that's what you should do. If this bothers you though, I think that maybe you should think about moving out. Right now he has all the advantages of having a wife without you actually being a wife.

Hmm, I can't help but wonder where this came from?

My first conversation with him would not be of timelines but of what triggered his need to share this information. Although it's much appreciated, I would try and get to the underlying root of what this is really about.

Is he feeling rushed by his family?

Has he realized something about your relationship that he's not sure about?

Is he feeling like HE isn't good enough?

I would try and talk this out first and see what's going on. If my SO said this to me I would be wondering if he was okay or if something was bothering him.

I had the choice to not move in with my SO and I chose to do it. We will be living together in the next three weeks, already have been living together at my house for the past month but we need our own place that has more room. The reason why I chose to move in with him is not only because he is the one, the love of my life but that we have talked about it and he knows I dont want to live with him long until we get enaged. He has agreed. He is a man of his word, and that is the only reason I am doing this before we are engaged. My past relationship however I lived with the guy for 3 1/2 years without commitment and got used as a wife and never saw a commitment in the future. So in a way I am scared from that but my SO now is 100% different than my ex so I am sure he will prove it by not wasting both of our time and to do it in the next few months...i hope...

@armychica06: So totally agree with you.... but how do I bring that up to my SO... he has mentioned that to me before and I am not exactly to sure if that is the exact reason why he is waiting or he is waiting for us to move in together and for things to settle down a bit before he does it?????  How would i talk about that and when???  Dont want to bug him again about the engagement thing but I also dont want him to think its ok to prolong the engagement until finances are fine... because they are fine with him and I am hoping its not just an excuse...

@armychica06: That is a good idea, hoping he wont get mad at me because he already has it figured out in his head, kinda not fair to get mad at me, because it is my life to and I wouldnt mind knowing what is going on as well.

Just want to chime back in as someone who dealt with a wait based more on a financial issue than a commitment issue.  I had no doubts about FI desire to be married or his committment to me.  As a matter of fact, he was ready LONG before I was.  I would advise those waiting ladies to make that distinction.  Know if it's really about his finances or about his commitment.  I knew he was committed but it didn't make my wait any easier.

Do you need money to get engaged?  The simple answer to that is no.  If you are OK with getting no ring or a less expensive ring then definitely express that to your guy. And while we are on the topic, you don't need money to get married either.  HOWEVER, some men have a vision of how they want to propose.  So if HE wants to save money to get you a ring or do something special you may get push back.  That was my situation.  I expressed to FI that I was fine with a stone other than a diamond, it didn't have to be extravagant, blah blah.  He would have none of it and basically told me to butt out.  In the end, he told me, he has a way that he has always wanted to do it and would appreciate it if I let him do that and I did. 

Getting financially stable can take YEARS, so as pps have mentioned get an idea of exactly what financially stable means AND what is the plan to get there and by when.  I think being financial stable is important because money issues can wreak havoc on a marriage so your guy may not be just giving you excuses.  Just make sure you are on the same page.

@thenubian: So he said he would be ready to be married in 2 years? What would be wrong with getting engaged now, and having a 2 year engagement? Or did he mean he would be ready to be engaged in 2 years, and married at some undefined time after that?

@Bubu82: I agree with you, I think anyone whos SO says they will be ready in a few years needs to ask them to be married or engaged... Because really you only need about $700-$800 for the ring I want and to be angaged other then that you dont need money and for me the wedding is paid for by my parents so we dont need money for that either. Best to be clear with your SO and make sure because you can be engaged and save money during that process.

@bluebelle00: He just knows that i dont want to be doing all the duties of the wife when we live together because I have told him that, with out the commitment that is.... he knows I am serious too, so I have to leave it in his capable hands but it is very hard to not know what is going to happen.

@thenubian: That's probably what I would have done, too. It sounds like you will feel better about the situation if you move out. If you stay there, I bet you'd be thinking about it all the time and it would be bad for your relationship. Maybe you could explain it to your BF that way, that you want your relationship to continue being a happy one, and it wouldn't be for you if you were living together in limbo.

I am hoping that mine doesnt come to this.... I have exguasted my point to him over the last few months that I actually wouldnt have minded getting engaged before moving in together, but it didnt happen like that so in a way he got his way...  ( needed to because of my money situation as well ) but I want my part to be fulfilled now... he gets us moving in together and a few months down the line I want my engagement.