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I really think that living together is a wonderful thing before getting married. That way you can find out any little quirks that the other person may have. I seriously believe that living together makes or breaks a relationship. Maybe he wants to make sure you can live together before asking you to get married.
I think you're right but also, he should want to propose to you. I think it's just a matter of time, since he put a time on when he could propose...I wouldn't move in with him, unless their are other reasons for it--finances.
That's definitely not what I would do... Then again, I think we have very fundamental differences since I had no problem living together before we were engaged, or even super serious. I also couldn't fathom putting a time limit on something like that. For me, being with the person I want to spend the rest of my life with would be more important than having a ring on my finger. But to each their own.
He does want to propose, I think he is scared.
I wouldn't feel proud telling my family that I am moving in with someone without being engaged. Please understand that at 32 I don't have all the time in the world to wait for a man to decide if he wants to marry me or not. While I love him marriage and children are important to me.
I agree with you VikingPrincess - I am 33 and did not move in with my BF of 3 years until he proposed. To each her own, but I felt it was important to be engaged before moving in together...
Maybe he wants to propose but feel like there is pressure on him to propose and get engaged? Usually when you put pressure on a guy, they will shrink away from it. If you go on with your life and pretend that you are indifferent, they will probably chase you because they don't want to lose you. I'm not saying that you stop talking to him or anything but just keep doing what you want to do and don't bend over backward to just do only what he wants at the expense of yourself.
So he said it would take two months after you were living together for him to propose? Maybe it's a financial thing. Maybe if you two are splitting the bills, he'll have enough money saved after two months to buy a ring?
There has been absolutely no pressure, I never mentioned it until recently and we both talked about it. And he has plenty of money to buy a ring right now.
I think if he knows it's important to you then he should make it a priority.
My FI asked me to move in this past year I said yes but then had a meltdown because I didn't want to get "stuck" living with him but having the relationship go nowhere (benefits of a wife without the committment - I'm 27 he's 37 it's not like we were just hanging out).
He assured me that he wasn't going to change his mind about how he felt and so I kept my plans to move in at the end of November.
However November 1 he proposed - because he saw how important it was to me and my family that we be moving forward before living together.
I think your concerns are reasonable. I don't understand why so many guys say "I'll do it in X months" what are they waiting for?
I think lliving together before marriage is a wonderful thing. However, I do NOT think that living together before you're engaged is. I moved in with my ex, expecting an engagement that I never got. We were together for 8 years. I think that living together actually made him feel like there was no need to move the relationship forward. Afterall, why buy the cow when you already have the milk, and the cow is already cooking, cleaning, doing your laundry and paying half your rent?
After I left, I decided that I would never live with a man who wasn't ready to commit to me again. I moved in with my fiance last October, after he'd proposed in June.
I don't understand why it would take two months for him to propose if you live together and more if you don't. I would not move in with him until you both have made a commitment towards marriage if you're not comfortable with this. You've been there, done that, and you know that living together is to "test" a relationship or to help with finances are no good reasons to live with someone.
So, be gentle, but stand your ground. Continue doing just what you've done so far, and don't bring up the subject - he knows that the ball is in his court, all he has to do is sort out his feelings and decide whether or not he wants to spend his life with you. That decision should be made before intertwining your lives more than they are, so that if he decides against, the break is cleaner.
I dont see anything wrong with living together w/o being engaged. IMO wanting to be engaged after only dating a year IMO is kinda early. You really dont know a person that well its still in the "new" part of a relationship
I think he needs to step up to the plate if he wants you to be in his life forever. I might not be the best person to ask because I refused to more in with my bf before he made a solid commitment and then when were engaged I decided to move home and safe for a house lol. I never wanted to be someone's maybe. I don't think you are wrong by wanting him to make a commitment to you before you make one to him and if he has the money then what is he waiting for. If he know he is going to do it in 2 months, then why not do it now and if he wants to wait the two months then you should stand your ground and wait the two months to move in. Just keep doing what you want and makes you feel comfortable, never bend for something you don't believ in.
Personally, I wouldn't move in with a guy til we're married. I know some people are ok with it while dating, others are ok with it when enaged.... so it all depends on what you're ok with. Don't go against what you believe thou. Don't let him move in with you if you're not ok with it. That may cause guilt & resentment.
I'd say, talk with him soon & tell him you're not pressuring him into becoming engaged. You're not "using" it as a way to get him to propose & that you're just personally not ok with living with someone until you are engaged.
I think that living together is defiately something that most people should do. It doesn't matter if you spend every second together and spend the nights together and the only thing you do is keep your clothing and belongings at your own residence- when you move in together it is COMPLETELY different, and some it works for and some it doesn't.
I personally don't think that being proposed to is a reason to then move in together, engagements can be called off- but the big overall picture is weather or not you two can handle getting through the rough times and fights that are inevitably going to happen- having a ring on your finger is no indication that it's a great reason to move in and that everything is goign to be ok. I think that you need to emerce yourself in the kind of life and how things will be when you get married
I have to agree that moving in is clutch. My SO and I have been together for 2 years and have lived together for 7 months now and are just now starting to talk about getting married since we know that we can handle life together (things like who does the cooking/cleaning/shopping/bill paying/etc. I could never committ myself to someone if I didn't know I would be able to live with them. Obviously not everyone shares this opinion, but it has been amazing for our relationship to see each other in this different situation.
However, moving in or not aside, I would not give him an ultimatim about time, if I were you. Think about how you would feel if he was to do the same to you.
Kudos egb! Thanks and I agree with your expanation. He says it may not even take longer than 2 months if we don't live together so I say what is the difference? I am willing to wait a bit longer for him to be ready.
Everybody has their opinions but my parents married 3 months after meeting and will celebrate 34 years together this October. I think a year is plenty long to see if you are ready.
@mishelleez: it really depends on each couple... I was with someone for 6 years without it leading anywhere but us living together and the relationship lasted way longer than it should have because it's so hard to break up when you live together, you drag it longer to try to salvage it.
Dated my husband for 18 months before we decided to get engaged, got engaged, THEN moved in with him, planned our wedding, got married. We're very happy.
I got to know him very fast because we're both very authentic individuals and were both at a point in our lives where we wanted to be in a committed relationship with our life partner. We knew what we were looking for in a partner and what would make or break; and found that we were compatible by spending ALL our time together, but without sharing rent and address until we were certain that we were in it for life.
All that to say, living together is not necessary for everyone, especially if you spend basically all your time together - you know the person and their habits. And depending on where you are in life, it can take one year or it can take 5 years to be ready, that really depends on each couple.
My BF and I live together. We have been living together for 1 year and we have been together for 5 years (on May 18th). We are not engaged but he did buy a ring so I know it's coming soon. it was his idea to move in together before getting engaged so I compromised and said if we are going to live together and not be engaged I would like to get engaged within a year of us living together or soon after, I dont think that you should break up with him but i think you should give a stern talking to.
I think if you're uncomfortable moving in with him, don't do it.
I, personally, don't have any problem with a couple living together before they're engaged/married. I moved in with my FI when we were still dating and he proposed about three months afterwards.
That being said my previous relationship lasted 5 years, we lived together for 4 and we never even talking about engagement/marriage. But that wasn't because we lived toghether, it was because our relationship wasn't working as it should have been.
I think living together before being engaged can work out if you sit down and have an honest dicussion about your expectations-- long before you sign a lease or start packing. Months before J and I moved in, I told him in no uncertain terms that I did not view living together as something I was willing to do long term, and that I wouldn't hesistate to move out if I didn't feel like things were moving in a good direction. I'm not suggesting that you threaten him-- just make very clear what your needs and expectations are, so there's no confusion or bombshell moments down the line. Good luck!
i dont know if this is a possible solution, but is he already living in the place he wants you to move into? because if so, could you move in, and have the opportunity to move out whenever you wanted?
i lived with a previous boyfriend and agree that when we broke up, it was more difficult than had we not lived together. however, living together is what broke up up. i realized a lot of things about him and our relationship that would have taken a lot longer to notice had we not lived together. we *may* have gotten married had we not lived together and would probably be divorced just a few years later.
fast forward to current fiance. he moved into my tiny tiny one bedroom apartment last july/august. he was over there ALL THE TIME anyway, lived with a roommate, and decided he would rather put his stuff in storage, and pay me rent. i was okay with this because i could kick him out whenever i wanted, since i knew money wouldn't be an issue (yes, i was actually this blunt with him!). worked out just fine (never actually wanted to kick him out), and we were engaged 7 months after this. i think it would have taken HIM longer to propose had we not moved in together because he wanted experience day by day life with me and see how it went. however, we were not "testing" the waters or anything like that, we had a long discussion that this relationship was heading towards marriage and we were both on the same path. we just weren't ready to be "engaged" without living together. he needed the security of having lived with me day-by-day to want to ask me to marry him.
only time i've ever wanted to kick him out is when he leaves the seat up in the middle of the night.
My So lives in Pittsburgh and we just celebrated our 10 month anniversary yesterday. We keep talking about me moving to Pittsburgh which I want to do, but I refuse to do it until I have a ring. I would do the same even if he was here. I wouldnt move unless there is a ring involved... I lived with a dude for 4 years and when I realized he never intended on marrying me,. I ended it. Best decision I ever made.
Dont do it til there's a ring on it! I live with my BF and have for a while, long before I thought about marriage. However, I sometimes think that I would have been engaged by now if we didnt live together..stay strong and get engaged first!!
To me the key here is _why_ does he think he'll propose faster if you move in? If he said "I don't want to get engaged without living together first" then that would be one thing. Everyone has different ideas about if living together before being engaged is necessary, no big deal, or a terrible idea, and there are valid points to be made on all sides. But I don't get why is he saying that will speed things along? Either he won't propose without it (doesn't sound like the case) or he doesn't think it's critical, but either way how does living together make a difference? You've said it's not financial, so I really don't get where he could be coming from. You should find out what he meant by that, because honestly it's sounding a little like he's just trying to tempt you into moving in. He wants the benefits of living together and is just trying to talk you into it by saying you'll get what you want (a proposal) faster if he gets what he wants. Proposals aren't barganing chips, and I hope I'm reading too much into this, but I think it's worthwhile to find out what he meant. I also love his "while we wait for me to propose" comment - like he's just a curious bystander with no control over it!
We chose to live together b/c it worked for us. But if it's really important to you not to live with someone until you are engaged or married, I don't think you should throw that away for a 2 month promise. If he plans on proposing after 2 months of living together, he can propose to you in 2 months in your own apartment. I know that he could want to figure out if you're compatible living together, but this is a compromise he'll have to make if he wants to have you as his wife someday!
If you're uncomfortable, don't do it! Of course different things work for different people. FI and I moved in together after 2 months and got engaged a year later. But if you're feeling like you don't want to live together until you're engaged, then don't let him pressure you!
@VikingPrincess, my FI did the same thing!! On our 1 year anniversarry, he asked if he could move in and I said I'd love to live with you, but not without a ring on my finger. He kept pushing and pushing and promising we'd be engaged within a couple months of living together he just had to save so I finally gave in. After 3 months and no ring and NO TALK of a proposal, I asked him what was going on. He said he still wasn't sure and needed more time, to which I responded he had 2 weeks to find a new place and we can reevaluate from there. I had a ring on my finger 2 weeks later.
But seriously, stick up for what is important to you! Some girls don't really care if a ring is on it's way (yeah, right!) and most of us who are being honest actually care A LOT! So I would definitely make sure he understands this and respects what is important to YOU.
But of course, living together has been the best thing in the world (after the ring, of course!). It's like floating on a stress free cloud, I am living with my best friend! :)
I think you ultimately have to do what makes you comfortable. If you don't feel comfortable moving in without a ring, then don't. But do find out why he wants you to move in before he proposes. Maybe he does want to see if you can live together first.
For me, it makes total sense to live with the boy before we get married. I did live with an ex for a year (and some roomates) and it totally made me realise that he wasn't the right person for me. Everyone has their little habits and his were something I definately couldn't live with!
My boy and I right from the start have been a perfect match living together. It isn't always perfect - he doesn't do quite as much housework as I would like, but he senses when I have had a bad day and always makes me feel better. For us, living together first is a financial issue. We don't have a lot of money, and it was important to set our future up properly first. But I do know I have to be very patient for the ring - I still have NO idea when he wil propose. But, from my own perspective I am fine with that because I know it is coming and I know that we are suited to living together.
I'm thinking along the same lines as ChiCat - why would a proposal be FASTER if you moved in together first? Doesn't make a lick of sense to me. I agree that it seems like he is dangling the proposal like a carrot to make you cave in to living with him. The fact that you have made yourself clear and he keeps pressing the issue is also very disrespectful on his part.
I would ask him, straight up, why moving in together makes a proposal come faster. I hope everything works out for you! I can understand your frustration.
I don't advise moving in before being engaged. I tried it once to a guy who talked about marriage more than I did. However, if I would have never moved in with him, I wouldn't have known how awful our "marriage" would have been. A close friend of mine experienced the same situation...
However, from your first post Viking Princes it sounds like your SO is planning to propose soon. Is one of your leases up soon or some other obvious reason it would make sense to move in together before the official engagement? If this is the case then I understand your SO.
I advise you to tell him that you love him dearly and wish to spend the rest of your life with him, but you do not agree with moving in together before an official engagement. Tell your SO that the only thing he could say or do to get you to move in is "will you marry me" and showing you a ring. Be calm, sweet, and FIRM. Hold fast to this decision and yuu will have your ring and he will have the two of you moving in in no time at all.
GOOD LUCK!!
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So boyfriend kept asking me to move in again this weekend! I told him no I wanted more, I want to be one when we live together. He countered with well what if we agree to get married while we wait for me to propose, it won't take more than 2 months if we live together. Again I said no why wouldn't he just ask me?! Such a stupid conversation is what I thought. I am going to apply the Back Up plan in earnest now and put a 4 month time limit on it. If we are still going round and round I am going to have to break it off.
What do the ladies think?