BF lost her baby at 5.5 months – how to comfort?

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
2390 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

One of my friends who I went to grade school with recently lost his son. He lived for 28 days and than past away. It’s hard. I don’t really know what to do or say to him but just let her know you are there for her if she needs anything. 

Post # 3
Member
42469 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Just be there. Listen without  judgement. Ask if there’s anything specific she needs help with or if there is any organization you can donate to in memory of her baby.

Do not make any of these comments. ” You’re young. You can get pregnant again. It’s God’s will.” None of those are helpful. In fact, they are very hurtful.

Don’t worry about not knowing exactly what to say. Just being there, not being afraid to talk with her, and not minimizing her loss, will mean a lot to her.

Post # 4
Member
1749 posts
Bumble bee

Watched someone go through something very similar. Honestly, there wasn’t much to do but be there and mourn with her when she wanted to. Don’t be judgmental. There is nothing that can fix what happened, so just be there.

Post # 5
Member
6496 posts
Bee Keeper

So devastating. I agree with PPs that you should be there to listen and be a shoulder to cry on. But after helping a handful of friends mourning various losses over the past year or so (and having gotten to know my own grieving process), you shoud also try to be tuned to what is her method of coping. Some like to talk it out with people. Some like to cry it out. And then others (like me) get so tired of people asking how they’re doing and coddling them that they like to pretend as if nothing happened and try to continue living a “normal life”. So my advice is to be there for her, of course, but to also do so in the best possible way for her.

Post # 7
Member
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

future_mrs_m:  my mom.went through something similar before I was born. My dad told me it devastated my mom. He was also her first child. We always knew but my mom chooses not to talk about it.  As far as I understand it look a long time for her to heal, I know she still cries if she talks about it. Just be there, if she wants to talk talk, if she wants to go get coffee go have coffee… i would let her know you are there to help but let her control.the situation, don’t push it or just show up or anything like that…

Post # 8
Member
2214 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1987

Make sure that you visit her regularly.  Drop in for coffee every week..  If she wants to talk about her child then talk with her about him/her.  If she does want to talk about her child then talk about other things. In short, just be there.

If she lives further way then ring every week.  Consider travelling over for the day.  Again just be there.

Incidentally, there are no right words to say.  All you do is be loving and patient and caring.

I think I’ve said the same as the previous poster but we’re giving you good advice.

Post # 9
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee

future_mrs_m:  I would contact your friends partner and see what he thinks about you surprising her by flying over to see her. It may be too early and you might want to wait abit, but I bet you flying over there to surprise her would chear her up! If it were me I wouldn’t want to talk about the experience, id just want to grieve. I think if you go there a long hug and a good cry would do it, words aren’t necessary, you and she both know what happened so nothing in my opinion needs to be said. By lots of ice cream and chick flicks and just spend time together! Everyone grieves differently though, which is why I suggest contacting her partner first before you surprise her and fly over there. I’m so sorry for your friends loss 🙁

Post # 10
Member
1691 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

future_mrs_m:  There’s nothing you can do except be there. Just listen. Don’t ask questions. Don’t try to give a pep talk or find the bright side. I have only had a first trimester miscarriage, so this is much worse. But some family members would try to be encouraging and it would just gut me. The last thing you want to think about is the healthy children you will go on to have “some day.” I wish I had had someone to just wallow with me in the pit of despair without trying to pull me out.

Post # 11
Member
5839 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

GrannyPantiesRock:  I often say the following when it comes to people going through death/loss/illness. “I love you and whatever you need from me, I can do. If you need to cry without shame, here is my shoulder. If you want to talk, I’ll listen. But I’m not going to ask you about it (unless you want me to). It’s not because I’ve forgotten, it will always be on my mind. But you will have enough people in your life who will look at you with pity in their eyes, “are you okay?”. I know sometimes you need respite from that. So I will keep talking with you about bad tv shows, new recipes or the annoying things our DHs do. If you don’t feel like talking, that’s fine. I’ll just call you and tell you the bad tv shows I’m watching, the new recipes I want to try (but never will) and the latest annoying thing my DH has done. ANd you can just listen. At any time you can interupt and we can talk about your pain. Know that if you need to check out for a little while, I’m good with that too. If I call, and you arent up for talking, dont take my call and you dont have to call me back. I wont be offended.”

Whatever you do, don’t try to make it better! Dont say anything about God’s Will or not meant to be or how she will feel better in time or how she is strong and will get through this. Keep sending her stupid links on FB or through email. Keep treating her like she is a normal human being, not some delicate flower, who sometimes needs to break down. It’s almost worse when people are treating you with white gloves. 

PS- so sorry for her loss 🙁

Post # 13
Member
3624 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

future_mrs_m:  My coworker lost a baby at 5.5 months. It was devistating to them. It was a long, sad road, but they just gave birth to their second child 5 years (and 3 pregnancies) later. KoiKove: ‘s advice is exactly what I did. I was the one talking to him about anything but baby. 

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