Post # 1
Here’s the background: I’m casual friends with a couple, by that I mean I’ve hung out with both of them only a few times in the past year, however we all went to dinner a couple weeks ago. I was invited to their wedding, which is this Saturday and I RSVP’d “yes” for both me and my SO who was also invited – we’ve been together close to three years now. I was also invited to, and attended, the bride’s bridal shower, although I’m closer to the groom because I met him first.
The issue is that my SO is currently overseas now. I told him the wedding date probably twice – a few weeks/months back. He went overseas for what I though would be ten days (last minute trip), and a few days ago I casually reminded him about the wedding this Saturday and his reaction was “oh noo” and he said this wedding was one he was actually looking forward to. When he left I thought he would be gone for 10 days, but he’ll actually be gone for 10 business days, meaning he’ll be getting back on Saturday and not sure if he’ll be able to make it to the wedding.
My questions are: if he can’t make it to the wedding (most likely scenario), is it OK to find another date (by “date”, I mean friend to go with, not another potential bf, of course)? Obviously I’d want to clear it with the couple first, but is it apropriate to even ask them to substitute someone else for him? On one hand, I feel that they have paid per plate so it wouldn’t matter much, but on the other hand I’m wondering if they’d want someone they potentiially didn’t know at their wedding. Also, do I give less if I’m attending by myself, or do I still pay for two heads? I typically give at least $100 if I’m going alone and double if with a guest – I’m in metro NY. FYI, the couple didn’t have many items on their registry left after the shower. Or should I just buy a gift so the cost is less obvious? I feel bad for the couple and am also personally upset that my SO can’t make it…
Post # 3
My vote is for you to just go alone if your SO is not able to make it. Personally I don’t really like when people just bring a random date to the wedding. As for the gift I would still try to cover 2 plates.
Post # 4
@NYMango: I wouldn’t bring someone else, unless your really uncomfortable going by yourself. I’m sure they will understand and I would just give a gift from you.
Post # 5
@NYMango: IMO it’s inappropriate to ask to bring someone else. Tell the bride ASAP that your SO can’t come so you are changing your numbers from 2 to 1. You should have done this “a few days ago” when he told you, but the next best thing is to do it right now, i.e. today. It may be too late for them to change their numbers with the their caterer, but then again it might be. Even if it’s too late for them to change anything, it is polite to let them know he won’t be there.
EDIT: Oh wait, he “might” be there. Doesn’t he know his flight times? Or is it that he might be jet lagged? If there’s no realistic chance of him attending, do what I said above. If ther e is a chance, then explain the situation to the bride that SO may not be there. It’s frustrating but as a bride I wouldn’t mind too much because your situation is pretty exceptional. There are always one or two guests who can’t come due to exceptional circumstances anyway (e.g. illness).
Post # 6
@NYMango: I just dealt with a similar situation, but on the other side of things. My FI’s aunt and uncle can’t make it to our wedding so they asked us if they could send their daughter (whom my Fiance and I never see) in their place to represent their family. It put us in a very awkward position and to be frank, we thought it was rude and we had to say no to them.
We also had a friend of my FI ask if he could bring a different date than the one we had invited and place on his envelope, him and his Girlfriend are always off and on and he didn’t know if they’d be together by the time our wedding rolled around. Again, put us in an awkward situation as the bride and groom because we don’t want any randoms at our small intimate wedding.
Unless you’re extremely uncomfortable going alone, I wouldn’t ask.
As for your gift, give what ever you can reasonably afford. I personally don’t agree with the “cover your plate” gift. Some of our friends have kids and are living off of one income so I wouldn’t want them stretching their budget just to give us $200 to cover their meals.
Post # 7
I would tell the bride and groom, and go by yourself … Maybe they have another person in mind to fill the spot? Then give the present from both you and your boyfriend, since he was also invited.
Post # 8
@jordyanna: this is exactly what I was going to suggest 🙂
Post # 9
What’s wrong with just asking??? People get so touchy with these ettiquete rules. Why can’t people just be honest. My friend is married, but leaving her husband. She’s dating someone else already and casually told me to still include her with a plus one. Because she’s bringing her Boyfriend or Best Friend as her date. I told her well, we need to meet him before inviting him because its an intimate wedding and my Fiance doesn’t want anyone there he doesn’t know. I don’t like her husband and he wasn’t invited in the first place. My friend’s situation is a whole different story! But besides that point, she asked, I told her How I felt. Just be honest.
Edit: about the gift situation, spend what you can afford. There shouldn’t be a limit on how much you “need” to spend. Not everyone can spend the same amount of money as others. If you can afford to spend $200 and you want to then that’s find too.
Post # 10
@paula1248: I said I wasn’t 100% sure he couldn’t make it. You didn’t read my post thoroughly.
Anyway, thanks ladies. The groom was a bit upset – as I am, but I’ll go solo – there are a couple people expected to attend that I’ll know.
Post # 11
If the invitation named him, HE is invited, not someone else. If it named you plus guest, you are invited and someone you bring. But, when in doubt, just ask.
Post # 12
@NYMango: I think you’ve done the right thing (notified the groom and going solo).
It’s a pity the groom’s upset, but I’m hoping that’s just the wedding stress getting to him. While you and your bf have made a mistake (mixing up the dates), it’s not like he’s deliberately missing the wedding after RSVP-ing yes, which would be much ruder.
Post # 13
@NYMango: 1) ask them first if you can bring a replacement guest. Sometimes a caterer will not charge for a no-show. 2) you’re only expected to pay per plate, so if your bf isn’t there you don’t need to give an additional gift on his behalf. You can if you want to, but I don’t think the couple would expect it.
Post # 14
@paula1248: It’s funny because the groom is actually more of a bridezilla (wedding planning and in general) than the bride herself! She is definitely the more laid-back of the two.
I don’t want to pass the blame to him entirely, but *I* was 100% sure of the wedding date beforehand and wasn’t concerned about his trip because as I had mentioned, he said it would be only 10 days. I had told him the exact date twice and we also met up with the bride and groom just a couple weeks ago so if he was unsure, I assume he’d ask then because we also discussed the wedding in detail. I guess now I know for next time to program anything important into his phone for him, lol.
@Duncan: His name wasn’t on the invite, just a +1 option for me. However, it still would be too short notice to invite anyone else anyway – I wouldn’t want them to feel like they were just a back-up plan.