Post # 1
my bf has this problem with always wanting to help people out. it’s part of the reason i love him, but lately it’s begun to piss me off.
like this church he doesn’t even go to needed a drummer for a retreat. they asked him, he said yes. guess what? it’s valentines day, so i am spending the day alone. i was okay with that – it’s just a day, prices are inflated, i’ll survive.
then he let me know that he volunteered to do training for who knows what and he found out the dates. may 12-16.
which means he’ll be gone for our anniversary as well. 2 years together will be spent not. together.
on top of it all he’ll also be gone may 7th-9th because he volunteered at a womens conference for the church he does go to.
and then he actually asks me – “are you mad?”
of course i’m upset. do i not have every right to be upset? i think i do…
Post # 3
Just pick a different day to celebrate. Or maybe you can surprise him with a little visit. Sounds like you are with a generous man who enjoys serving others. He’s volunteering to help churches out, can you really be mad about that?
Post # 4
I totally understand why you’re feeling upset, but I don’t think this is worth a fight. As MissChirpie said, just pick a different day! My Fiance and I don’t even REMEMBER our anniversary because we move it around so much. We’re busy people and the actual dates of things are sometimes downright inconvenient! Now, I think it would be considerate of him to realize that he’s missing these events and suggest replacement dates for your celebrations–but don’t be too upset with him for offering to help out where he’s needed, and maybe throw out suggestions of your own. He sounds like a great guy!
Post # 5
My moral beliefs may be pretty different from others’ in this forum, but I really don’t think it’s noble to help others you don’t even know if it puts a great strain on your personal relationships and those you love. I think he IS being a tad inconsiderate, although he is of course very well-intentioned. It’s not like the people on the retreats would die or have some other terrible thing happen to them if he hadn’t volunteered on dates that are very significant to you guys as a couple. Of course your man just wants to be a good person, but you should definitely let him know that you are sad that he will be away and suggest that he think about, when considering taking up another volunteer project, whether the dates will fall on some other milestone date for you guys. If so, he should seriously reconsider. There will be a million more times to volunteer in his lifetime, and it’s not worth taking EVERY opportunity if it puts a strain on the most important relationship in his life.
Just my opinion.
Post # 6
Aw, I’m sorry. It does suck, but like the other Bees said, maybe you can celebrate later? FH and I work regularly on our anniversary and usually only get the evening off to spend together so we usually spend a whole “anniversary” day together a few days later. And this year FH is working on Sunday so we’re having our own (what he calls) “extra special celebrations” next Sunday instead where we’ll go out and spend the whole day together.
And think about it this way. You said yourself that you love that he’s so helpful to others. If he wasn’t helpful to others and if he didn’t volunteer to do these things would you still love him as much? He’d be a different person. And there’ll hopefully be many other anniversaries that you can celebrate together 🙂
Post # 7
Meh, just celebrate a different day. He wanted to do this, he agreed to. He should’ve considered it beforehand, but now it’s a lesson learned. What did he volunteer for?
I guess I don’t put a lot of stock in dates. I’ve only spent a couple of major anniversaries, dates, birthdays, and holidays with my husband. Time together is time together. The “actual” day is relatively insignificant. The acknowledgement of it is more important.
Post # 8
i agree with miss chirpie … he’s obviously not a bad guy.
i like her idea about surprising him with a visit. if its not too late for you to change your schedule around, maybe you can volunteer with him! the experience might do unexpected wonders for you relationship.
My Fiance is in the military right now and he’s currently deployed in the middle east. during his last deployment two yeas ago, he missed my undergrad graduation, the holidays, my birthday, and vday. during this current deployment, he just missed my birthday, will miss vday and doesnt return until the summer. i know its not the same as your situation – my Fiance is going because he has to as part of his job vs yours volunteering to. but im just trying to assure you that missing big events as a couple is not the end of the world so dont worry! =)
Post # 9
It seems like he genuinely did not know the dates prior to signing up to do these things. He seems like a great guy but I would definitely tell him that it makes you upset because these days are important to you. Maybe he just doesn’t know how much it means to you for him to be there.
Post # 10
Honestly I’m with @veganglam on this one. It’s wonderful that he wants to help others, but he needs to consider your feelings first.
It’s not that the anniversary celebration can’t be moved around, but it should be something you decide together, rather than something you are forced into because he didn’t have the foresight to look at a calendar before agreeing to these commitments.
Post # 11
I don’t know that I’d necessarily be irritated by the specific dates he’ll be missing, since you can always celebrate on alternate days. (And with Valentine’s Day, anywhere you go on not-2/14 will likely be less crowded and maybe even cheaper.) However, it would concern me if my fiance were continually making plans for multi-day trips without talking to me in advance. It’s one thing if there’s a last-minute work trip he needs to go on. But if I were planning on going out of town for a few days, I’d check with him first to make sure it wasn’t going to interfere with any of his/our other activities; and I’d expect the same courtesy from him.
Post # 12
I agree wtih @veganglam as well. Not worth fighting about these specific trips, but you should definitely discuss the bigger issue – he seems to repeatedly put these volunteering opportunities before spending time with you. If you explain to him that you admire his willingness to help others but feel a bit left out, maybe you can come up with some guidelines that work for you both. Maybe you guys can volunteer together, maybe he can stick to helping with things that don’t require overnight stays, maybe he can check with you before committing to go somewhere overnight…the possibilities for compromise are definitely there. Good luck!
Post # 13
I suggest you talk to him & let him know you’re sad that he’ll be gone for your anniversary & valentine’s day. That it is really important to you. Some guys don’t get the whole “dates & anniversaries are important” thing. Don’t focus that you’re upset he’s volunteering (encourage & support his volunteering), but let him know you’re hurt that he won’t be around. He may not even have considered his being gone would affect or hurt you. Ask him if in the future if he can check with you first before signing up to go out of town for a few days or a week, etc because it does affect you… & also, give him his time to go have fun too!
Another thing, maybe you could talk w/ the church & see if you could go on the retreat OR maybe see if you can suprise visit him. I’m sure he’ll be missing you & would absolutely love that! :). If that’s not possible, celebrate it another day.
Some people love to volunteer, & its really a good thing to minister to others, but at the same time family comes before others do. If he’s constantly pouring his time into others & neglecting you, that’s not good for either of you & you should have a serious conversation about it. Missing a few dates (like valentines & anniversary) doesn’t mean he’s neglecting you, but if it becomes a pattern (happens all the time), than I say its important to address it. Otherwise, maybe you can volunteer to do some things with him, if you want to. 🙂