Weddingbee boards

I found out that my boyfriend read my Facebook private messages again. This is the second time that he has done that.

This morning I was telling him that I "talked" to one of my friends on FB and he goes, "no, what you said exactly was ....." he went on to say, "Your page was up when I got on and I saw it." What makes me so livid is 1.) that's MY laptop that he was on -- not his. Secondly, I know FOR SURE that I was not on that page... I was not even on FB when he came home.

I was probably still logged in and he went into my private messages and read them. He told me before that he had done it and was actually upset about one of the messages he read.

I really don't know how to react, but I am pissed. I don't snoop through his stuff. He leaves his email open, his Facebook open, or whatever and I am never inclined to read anything. I also don't like the fact that he kind of lied about it. He didn't "accidently" stumble upon my message with her. She and I had our private message exchange way earlier in the afternoon and I know when I got home I didn't even look at my private messages. Even if I was on in the message inbox (which I'm sure I wasn't) he would have had to actually click on the message to read it.

This is such bizzare behavior from him. The first time he looked was nearly a year ago and I think, at that time, I actually was in the mailbox and he was just being nosey because this guy was kind of stalking me and he was upset that the guy kept messaging me. So, that is kind of understandable considering he knew that the specific guy was harassing me.

But, I'm not sure why he did it yesterday. Granted we had an argument and last night we were not speaking to each other and things have been kind of tense lately, so maybe that's why he did it. I don't know. All I know is that snooping through someone's email/phone/messages is so not cool.

I don't feel like I can bring it up right now because we're still in that touch "kind of but not completely made up" phase and the last thing I want to do is argue. At the same time, I don't want that type of behavior to continue. And it's not like he doesn't trust me or whatever. I have no idea...

He doesn't have my password. I know that I was still logged in because I never log off of my email or Facebook. I am going to start now though.

I guess he is somewhat insecure or can be jealous. While he has no problem with my having male friends (his BFF is a girl, actually) he doesn't feel comfortable with certain things involving guys. Even my gay male friends are "suspect," but he doesn't outwardly express his insecurities or jealousies, so I don't know.

And really there is NO reason for him to feel weird. And, ironically, now it's making ME feel insecure. What if he's snooping because he's doing something inappropriate and feels guilty and is projecting his own guilt? See, this is why snooping is SO not okay because it can just create all sorts of unnecessary extra stuff. Le sigh.

I'm so upset. So, so, so upset. I get more upset the more I think about it.

Hm I guess we are totally different in this area...We have always had an open door policy on all of our emails/ texts everything. 

Neither of us are particularly jealous people but we both have some areas that rub us the wrong way so we just agree that we can read each others stuff any time we want to but that is our agreement. I can totally understand being upset if he sneaks or has to lie about how he read it. 

I think you guys need to really talk about boundaries and trust. 

I don't see why you are angry, to me that means you are sending messages to people that you wouldn't want him to know about... if your doing things on FB that you don't want him to see/read/know about ... should you be doing it?

My partner knows my log in details and goes onto my account everyday to play mafia wars... i have nothing on there that i wouldn't want him to see... i don't care if he goes into my private messages and reads them, the only reason i send private messages is because i don't want to post something on someones wall or i'm giving someone a phone number or address.

I tell my partner EVERYTHING... he knows all the convo's i've had with my girls and even private convo's i've had with them FB or not. He knows all about me and i know all about him... we're going to be getting married soon and becoming one... nothing should be a secret.

I think I have a different perspective... And I know most people would not want this arrangement, but my husband and I have a totally open door policy, electronically.  He has my password, I have his, to everything.  We're both welcome to take a look whenever. I actually never do, but I like knowing I could if I wanted.  It just might be a good option if this is causing a lot of stress in your relationship.  (By the way, not bashing anyone else's arrangements, just saying what works for us.)

My FI and I have a open door policy too. It is not for snooping but rather we just don't care anymore. We used to. I use to be really insecure. About our relationship. About myself (he is SO much more good looking than I am etc). As we both grew: me, him, the relationship, so did the snooping. I know he isn't up to anything and vice versa. Sit your guy down and ask him why he does it. Curiousity? Insecurity? Whatever it is needs to be addressed. Even if it means an akward conversation when you havent really quite all the way made up

Sorry i didn't mean mine to come off in any way to offend or anything.

if there is something that he shouldn't read/see like eg something to do with a surprise for him then he won't.... except being a child and hunting down his christmas presents LOL but what i meant was, i don't see the point in my partner not knowing everything that i know.

I didn't mean to offend anyone if i did.

i guess its each to their own. but if it really bugs you, you should sit down and talk with him

I usually stay quiet when topics like this come up, but I have to say something. I think that some of the girls hit the nail on the head saying that when you marry someone, your life should be an open book to him. If you're upset over him going on to your FB, then what's going t happen later in life when you share a bank account or other things like that? Unless it's one of our birthdays or Christmas or something, our relationship (online and in real life) is an open door policiy.

I'm so with you hotchildinthecity. I don't think it has anything to do with trust or hiding anything from my BF. I'm not having any "inappropriate" communications, but I don't feel the need to share every conversation I have with anyone with him.

I also don't have a right to share other's secrets with him. I can only imagine a friend telling me something, like she's been raped and him reading it. Not cool.

And, specifically for me, I often communicate with my very close friends via email, in detail and rant and whatever. In a way, it's like writing in a journal and is how we communicate since we all have busy schedules (and time differences). It's not about trust, or inappropriate communication.

I honestly feel like needing to have your partner's email password or whatever shows trust issues. I don't need his passwords (or want them) because I trust him. If I felt like I needed them, I would start to worry. I can understand how, for some, that would be secure, but that's not me. I feel secure in feeling like my BF is an adult who doesn't need to give me access to his every waking thought. And I enjoy having my own private thoughts as well. And, if he was THAT curious, all he had to do was ask, honestly.

For me, the biggest thing is not just the reading, but the acting like it was an "accident." We have never had any type trust issues with one another, but obviously our recent lack of rhythm is making him feel something. Or maybe he was just bored. lol....

When my fiance and I first started dating, I was very protective of computer. I wasn't on Facebook at the time, but I didn't want him looking at my email or files or anything of the sort. But we began to develop a trust with one another, and I realized very quickly that I had major trust issues, which is why I was so protective of my "stuff." In time, that began to wane, and now we maintain one major file with all of our passwords in it. Whenever I want, I can get into any of his email accounts, his Facebook page, his bank accounts, you name it. And he can get into mine. I eventually became not just OK with it, but happy to have this new connection and trust with him.

Plus, truth told, I really have nothing to hide from him. If there's something that I don't want him to know about, I'll have the conversation with the intended person face to face. But even still, he's my best friend, and I share things with him.

Now, I'm certainly not suggesting that you have the trust issues that I had. They were my issues and I own them. But I did just want to share my experience with you, in case it rings a bell...

Ah. My message are silly things like "want to do dinner tuesday?" etc. You are right, there are somethings that are none of his business. Though I have to say I tell him everything unless a friend specifically tells me NOT to tell him.

Maybe he is just bored. What are you going to do? Sounds like you have a calmer head now.

Hotchild, I agree. Your post made me think of something else - if I were the friend sending a private message to my engaged or married friend, I would expect it to remain just that: private. I wouldn't be happy if I found out that another person was reading the messages I sent her, no matter the content.

just to clear things up... i don't need my partners password (this is just incase you were refering to me... which i doubt) but the only reason we have each others passwords for FB so that when either of us isn't home and can't look after our farms or mafia wars the other person will jump on and do that. it wasn't "i want your password so i can keep an eye on you" it was more "oh babe here is my password can you go on my FB and plow my farm and plant some wheat" LOL

Anyway each to their own.

Me and my partner share everything...he knows what i know and i know what he knows. If my friend (@hotchild) told me about her problem... i would probably go and speak to my partner and say "ya know what should she do? what advise could i give her" and get a males point of view (this may not be something you would do). I do not tell my friends or whoever they i have spoken to him about it, and he would never ever bring anything up in conversation with them about anything that i have spoken to him about.

@Baby Pebbles: I wasn't speaking specifically to you about the passwords, just that I know some people want/need to have them and I don't.

For me, I share most things with my boyfriend, however certain things I don't share because it's not my right to give that information to someone else. Period.

On FB it's generally silly chat, but being okay with that opens the floodgates to everything else. It really was more the idea he was doing this behind my back and fibbed about it being an "accident." Turns out he wasn't actually snooping in a distrustful way, but just being nosey because he was bored and mad at me. And he had a very valid point, why would he talk to me about it if he was really trying to dig up dirt? :P

All's well that ends well. But I am going to be actively logging out of my email and Facebook just for good measure. lol...

This whole discussion is interesting to me! 

@curlydreamer - Sorry if you don't want to answer this but, was the conversation that he read about him?  Did he catch you in a lie b/c of it?  If so, I think he will keep snooping.

Hubby and I have an open policy on these things.  I know all his passwords and he knows all mine.  For the most part it's for convinence, like he will log into my e-mail to get something that I sent to his work e-mail b/c he doesn't feel like VPNing into work.  During wedding planning we were in each others e-mail accounts all the time b/c certain vendors used his and others used mine.  For the most part we give each other heads up about it but if he's not around and I need something I'll just log in and he would do the same. 

It's actually funny b/c around b-days and holidays he'll tell me that I'm not allowed in his e-mail b/c he ordered my gift online :)

With regards to friends, my MOH/BFF told me a while ago that she assumes he hears everything she tells me.  I thought that was cool of her but I still don't tell him everything.  He really doesn't need to hear the details of her recent medical procedures :)

I guess I'm on the fence with this, since my SO and I know each other's passwords and such. On the privacy issue when it comes to my family- my sisters and I have a "you know what your getting yourself into" policy which essentially means my family is sooo weird, I can't even hide it.

I get what hotchild is saying- but it sounds from your posts like he has reasons to snoop that should be addressed- maybe you guys need to take a sec and talk about whats going on. I agree, he lied about it and thats super strange.

You guys can get through this though- sounds like a blip on the radar. *Hugs!*

@chelseamorning: He didn't "talk to me about it." I mentioned to him that I had written to my friend about school and I misquoted what I said to her. He corrected what I said and told me, "yea, I read it 'cause it was up when I got on your laptop" and that was the end of the conversation. It really was not this big deal (to him) that people are making it seem. I was pissed because I knew that page was not up and really think he went on, saw I was logged in and peeked in my inbox.

@DaisyBride: I don't lie to him so, no, he didn't "catch me in a lie." And, yes, the message mentioned him. I actually think he read more than just that one, but I didn't ask because it's really irrelevant. However, based on a conversation we had last night I'm fairly sure he read at least one other message, which was from a male friend who was visiting from out of state.

I tell him most everything about my friends, but not everything and I believe there are specific things that are not my right to tell to anyone else.

@Cazos: He was just being nosey. :P

@Sulaii211: I beg to disagree. There is NEVER a reason to snoop, IMHO. If a person suspects their partner is doing something, they should ask. So, if I'm cranky or we're having a rough patch that gives him an exuse to snoop? I don't think so. If anything, that's MORE of a reason to TALK to me, I would think. You don't distrust someone just because they're cranky or you're not insync. I've done nothing to warrant snooping.

BTW, he DOES have the password to my laptop. That's how he logs on to it. He also has the password to a few other things, so it's not like think I keep everything "hidden" from him, however I just don't believe in reading other people's email/messages/written work without permission and I don't have a "need" to have his passwords to anything to make me feel anymore secure. I know I could check his phone or his email or whatever if I asked him. I, personally, don't need that.

hmm, well if he has the PW to your laptop and he has been snooping, maybe you should change that PW!!  Tell him he has lost laptop rights :)

Ah, but he feels a reason to snoop- and I guess I'm asking- do you know what that reason, as illogical as it may be?

I'm not saying its justified-especially because he knows you don't like it. What I'm saying is- you two need to examine his feelings or reasons to snoop to get to the bottom of this.

@Daisy: Ah, but then he'd think I have something to hide if I suddenly changed the password and then he may really start snooping! lol....

@sulaii: Point taken! I don't think he was intentionally snooping though. I think he went on to do his Facebook thing and it happened to be logged into my page, so he read my messages (or some of them). So, not like he intentionally went there with the purpose of trying to read them. I think many people would be tempted whether or not they think they're partner is doing anything.

@caszos: I agree, I don't think he meant any harm. I think he was being nosey like anybody could be if the stuff is right there. I kind of don't really want to make it into this big deal with him by talking about it anymore because I don't want him to feel like I'm worried he'll find something, KWIM?

To be honest, I'm not super pissed about it like I was yesterday. I was upset, but the more I've talked about it here (and with him) the more I realize that it's not about trust or whatever. He, obviously, needs a longer "honey do list" to keep him occupied! lol....