Post # 1
I found out that my boyfriend read my Facebook private messages again. This is the second time that he has done that.
This morning I was telling him that I “talked” to one of my friends on FB and he goes, “no, what you said exactly was …..” he went on to say, “Your page was up when I got on and I saw it.” What makes me so livid is 1.) that’s MY laptop that he was on — not his. Secondly, I know FOR SURE that I was not on that page… I was not even on FB when he came home.
I was probably still logged in and he went into my private messages and read them. He told me before that he had done it and was actually upset about one of the messages he read.
I really don’t know how to react, but I am pissed. I don’t snoop through his stuff. He leaves his email open, his Facebook open, or whatever and I am never inclined to read anything. I also don’t like the fact that he kind of lied about it. He didn’t “accidently” stumble upon my message with her. She and I had our private message exchange way earlier in the afternoon and I know when I got home I didn’t even look at my private messages. Even if I was on in the message inbox (which I’m sure I wasn’t) he would have had to actually click on the message to read it.
This is such bizzare behavior from him. The first time he looked was nearly a year ago and I think, at that time, I actually was in the mailbox and he was just being nosey because this guy was kind of stalking me and he was upset that the guy kept messaging me. So, that is kind of understandable considering he knew that the specific guy was harassing me.
But, I’m not sure why he did it yesterday. Granted we had an argument and last night we were not speaking to each other and things have been kind of tense lately, so maybe that’s why he did it. I don’t know. All I know is that snooping through someone’s email/phone/messages is so not cool.
I don’t feel like I can bring it up right now because we’re still in that touch “kind of but not completely made up” phase and the last thing I want to do is argue. At the same time, I don’t want that type of behavior to continue. And it’s not like he doesn’t trust me or whatever. I have no idea…
Post # 3
I’d be livid. We each have our own laptops. I don’t even like it when he peeks all over at my side of the screen!
Sounds like it may be fueled by more than curiosity, but you never know. Sometimes they’re just being a nosy POS!
Post # 4
Hmm…this isn’t cool. Is he normally really insecure? Maybe make sure you’re logged out of FB the next time you’re finished, or change your password. I know it’s not fun to not be able to trust your significant other, but you haven’t given him a reason not to trust you. And now you can’t trust him to not look at your private messages! Sometimes, girls just need to be girls and talk things out with girlfriends. I’d be upset with this too!
Post # 5
- Wedding: September 2010 - Heron Hill Winery
FI doesn’t really go into my FB but sometimes reads my wedding bee posts and occasionally mocks me because of them. Just because they are super girly not because he thinks I am lame (or does he LOL). I told him to be careful because I could be posting pictures of the dress, etc and stuff he wouldn’t want to see. He got the hint, I think…
It would kind piss me off though if he was going through my personal messges cuz it would seem he didn’t trust me or something.
Post # 6
Change your password. I recently did this because FI was all, “ohhhh I know your password to everything — it’s ******” And that’s true. So I went through and changed everything.
To your point, that would annoy me too. Like what would be the reason for reading your FB messages…? Weird. I would think he doesn’t trust me or was just being a snoop. Just let him know how you feel about it and change your passwords.
Post # 7
That would really annoy me. I don’t see the reason why he would feel the need to read your private messages. It’s not like they have to do with him in any way. I guess you should just log out of your accounts and if you think he knows the password, then change it. Also, I would have a discussion with him about why he feels the need to read your private conversations with your friends.
Post # 8
Personally, I don’t think changing the password is the solution. This is the man you are going to marry…you should speak with him about boundary and privacy issues and your relationship.
That being said, it sounds like things are a little tense right now. Perhaps “please don’t do this because I feel like you are invading my privacy” now and a more in-depth conversation later?
Post # 9
He doesn’t have my password. I know that I was still logged in because I never log off of my email or Facebook. I am going to start now though.
I guess he is somewhat insecure or can be jealous. While he has no problem with my having male friends (his BFF is a girl, actually) he doesn’t feel comfortable with certain things involving guys. Even my gay male friends are “suspect,” but he doesn’t outwardly express his insecurities or jealousies, so I don’t know.
And really there is NO reason for him to feel weird. And, ironically, now it’s making ME feel insecure. What if he’s snooping because he’s doing something inappropriate and feels guilty and is projecting his own guilt? See, this is why snooping is SO not okay because it can just create all sorts of unnecessary extra stuff. Le sigh.
I’m so upset. So, so, so upset. I get more upset the more I think about it.
Post # 10
Hm I guess we are totally different in this area…We have always had an open door policy on all of our emails/ texts everything.
Neither of us are particularly jealous people but we both have some areas that rub us the wrong way so we just agree that we can read each others stuff any time we want to but that is our agreement. I can totally understand being upset if he sneaks or has to lie about how he read it.
I think you guys need to really talk about boundaries and trust.
Post # 11
I’d be pissed. Seriously, seriously pissed. FI and I also have an open door text/email thing going on but that’s because we trust each other and it works for us. If, however, there were something I didn’t want him to read, he wouldn’t and vice versa. You need to have that talk NOW about how not OK it is to go snooping because honestly, I think it’s also a respect thing. There are boundaries and there is trust, and there is respect. It isn’t that he doesn’t trust you, it’s that you have a legitimate desire to keep some things just for yourself, and he needs to respect that.
Post # 12
Yeah, definitely log out from now on.
FI and I certainly do NOT have an open door policy on texts/emails/FB. I’m not hiding anything (besides email confirmations for gifts or something) but I just don’t want him reading my stuff. It’s just none of his business. I don’t want him reading my silly drunken texts to my girlfriends, my friends’ relationship problems, my mom complaining about our family, etc. etc. In fact, just last week, my best friend sent me a VERY VERY personal email about a slew of personal problems she’s having. If FI read that, I would be beyond furious.
So, I hear you, girl.
Post # 13
Having passwords or logging out really isn’t the issue here (and it sounds like you know that too.) It is a matter of TRUST which for whatever reason isn’t in place right now. My husband has all my passwords, I have his and we never snoop or worry about the other snooping. Neither of us ever logs out of our emails or facebook either. If I need something from his email I ask if it’s ok first, or at least give him a heads up, and he does the same thing with me. It’s really important that you establish these boundaries and let him know, in no uncertain terms, that reading your private messages is unacceptable to you. I guess I’m just a super ridiculous private person, but I might have even ended a relationship over something like this!
Post # 14
I don’t see why you are angry, to me that means you are sending messages to people that you wouldn’t want him to know about… if your doing things on FB that you don’t want him to see/read/know about … should you be doing it?
My partner knows my log in details and goes onto my account everyday to play mafia wars… i have nothing on there that i wouldn’t want him to see… i don’t care if he goes into my private messages and reads them, the only reason i send private messages is because i don’t want to post something on someones wall or i’m giving someone a phone number or address.
I tell my partner EVERYTHING… he knows all the convo’s i’ve had with my girls and even private convo’s i’ve had with them FB or not. He knows all about me and i know all about him… we’re going to be getting married soon and becoming one… nothing should be a secret.
Post # 15
@BabyPebbles: Sorry, but I don’t agree. Personal and private information about my friends and family is none of FI’s business unless I volunteer that information myself.
Post # 16
I guess its each persons preference, but I’m ok with hubs looking at most of my stuff. Not that he would, unless I specifically asked him to. I have nothing to hide, and we don’t snoop or have any reason to. I would find out why he did it, cuz it seems like there is something underlying there that made him do it… unless he’s just nosey