(Closed) BF watches porn behind my back. Hides it from me. Don't trust him. Help?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
8464 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@AquaGrey8962:  First of all *HUGS*, this is really hard to go through.  The other thing is, stop blaming yourself for not being able to “let this go”.  Unfortunately in the US (I’m assuming you’re in the US), guys are basically taught that porn/mastrubation is bad, so talking about it honestly can be very difficult for them.  That being said, have you guys considered couples counseling?  I think it could really help you two communicate what you need from each other in the relationship.  Best of luck!

Post # 5
Member
1854 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I think you should have him talk to a Dr about the cuming issue. I’m not sure what’s normal men-so a DR. should be able to answer it.

 

 

Post # 6
Member
3553 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

So basically you don’t have a problem with porn except when it affects your sex life, and you feel like it’s majorly impacting your sex life and intimacy. Have you tried couching it to him in those terms? Have you told him that it’s the combo effect of the lying and lack of intimacy on your relationship that you’re really concerned and upset about and not necessarily his actons? Maybe if you can rephrase it you can get through to him. If he’s still not listening I’d second the counselling to help you communicate better.

Post # 7
Member
4322 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’ve faced a somewhat similar issue with DH – I wake up and leave before him most mornings, but he’s most “ready” in the morning, so sometimes he’d take care of it then, and then not need it later. (He can finish more than once a day, but it was lessening his need/desire.)

I don’t have time in the morning, so night works better for me, when he’s tired. We’ve talked about and he’s cut down on morning “activity,” which has helped.

I don’t know how early, you get up in the morning or how your schedules align, but is there any way you can work morning sex in once in awhile? He might be more ready then and more willing to wait on other days.

You are not the problem here, so please don’t think that it’s your job to fix it, per se. This is just one possible course of action.

Post # 8
Member
2786 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I am going agree that going to counsellor is a great idea for BOTH of you. He shouldn’t be lying/going behind your back…and you shouldn’t be spying on him and knocking furniture over when you’re mad. This is all pretty extreme, and not something you want to sign up for a life time of.

Post # 9
Member
983 posts
Busy bee

Maybe you need to incorporate the porn INTO your sex life.  Masturbate in front of each other.  Stop being so paranoid. Give it up to him more than once every two weeks, or just because you feel you “need to” to stop him from masturbating and needing to constantly spy on him for doing it.  Or, just get over it. He’s a man, he’s going to do it.  Personally, it’s stupid to get mad at each other over masturbating. it’s normal.   Like you’ve never done it behind his back?  Hell, I do it when SO runs to the store.  He does it before I get home from work. We still have sex in the evening.  We last longer. We tell each other we masturbated.  It turns us on.  

It’s just porn, be lucky you aren’t walking in on him banging another real life chick.   

Post # 10
Member
421 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@jmaze:  I think you’re missing OP’s point. She wouldn’t care if he masturbates if she was still getting her needs met by him, but because he can only “go” once a day, and he’s “wasting” that on porn, she’s upset. Your examples have no bearing in her situation as they wouldn’t be able to masturbate while the other was gone and still have sex the same night.

 

OP: I understand how frustrating it is to feel that your SO is choosing porn over sex with you, but I’ve got to tell you that you sound like you’ve stepped off the deep end. Watching under the door of the bathroom to see if he’s masturbating? Then initiating sex as a pass/fail method? It’s not healthy, and that’s something you need to think about. 

Maybe talk to your SO and compare your “sex quotas”, i.g. the minimum number of times you want to have sex a week. If they differ, work out a compromise. As long as that compromised number is being met, he shouldn’t be banned from masturbation. 

But honestly, you have to let go of your obsession of “is he?! isn’t he?!” because it’s doing you absolutely no favors.

Post # 11
Member
11753 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

you flipped a book shelf over because he masturbated? seriously?! You have issues of your own to work out it seems.   

There’s nothing wrong with him masturbating as long as he is still meeting your needs sexually.  You may have a higher sex drive than he does, so I don’t think it’s fair to say he can never masturbate so he can have sex with you every day.  You need to compromise.  If he’s unwilling, then you have a bigger issue on your hands.

Also, I don’t think he needs to lie to you about masturbating because you shouldn’t be asking him about it or spying on him about it in the first place.  It’s not really any of your business and he doesn’t have to to tell you if he’s doing it or not.  

And hey, if he can have sex and get you off without him getting off because he’s masturbated then who cares? It’s his loss!

Post # 12
Member
435 posts
Helper bee

@AquaGrey8962:  

Give the poor man some privacy!  He obviously has a physical problem that he can’t help if he can only cum once a day. That’s not his fault and it doesn’t mean he should never be allowed to masturbate in private.  He should probably see a doctor about that problem, and you should see a therapist about your rage problem.  It is not normal to throw furniture around when you’re angry. 

Post # 13
Member
48 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I asked my man for a guys perspective; hope it helps.

“First of all let me preface this with, when I spend a long time in the toilet it’s because I’m playing a game, not going the knuckle shuffle. Plus I honestly find it impossible to get aroused when I’m in the toilet. Just to be clear, now we have that out the way….

Sounds like he has an addiction to porn, which is at the point where it’s affecting his relationship. Sex with the gf has taken a back seat because he is more taken with the fantasy world he’s seeing on the computer.

It’s not that he doesn’t want sex with her he just doesn’t have the stamina to masturbate and have sex in the same day. Anyway the relationship sounds like they need to get some counseling to communicate better and address the possibility of him having a porn addiction.

The interesting thing to note is that porn addiction can follow the same pattern as someone having an affair, decreased sex drive, lack of desire for their partner etc lot of parallels.”

From me- I just want to add that it sounds pretty rough for you both at the moment and I’m sorry that you’re feeling so upset and paranoid.

it’s not fun to live in a state of cat like readiness and yes, your having sex with him to check up and knocking over bookshelves is a huge concern.

its really common that people can gradually get into  strange patterns of behaviour without noticing. Then when we finally stop and look at it through others eyes, unbiased eyes, we’re amazed how much we were normalizing a situation that is quite wrong and damaging. 

the fact you realise you are acting nuts is good. Now please take the next step to counselling together to try fix the relationship, see if he has a porn addiction and negotiate some healthier boundaries for you both. Or alternately accepting you cannot live like this and break up and work on your self and detox emotionally from being so wound up for so long. . 

You both need to be very honest with each other about where you are at and the future or you’ll end up stressing yourself into having a mental and physical breakdown. 

I really hope this helps. I wish you the very best. ((hugs))

Post # 14
Member
3429 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@AquaGrey8962: This sucks for you, so sorry!! I agree with the other posts. Try to get him to talk to a counselor. If he won’t then you should so it doesn’t continue to screw with your head!! There is a lot of info and resources online to get you started. Good luck! 

Post # 15
Member
11753 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I dated a porn/masturbation addict and he masturbated upwards of 10 times a day – and many times could actually still have sex.  This may be TMI but does he have “sores” on his manhood?  That will tell you right there how often he jerks off!  I don’t think he’s addicted because he jerks off 1x/day.  Maybe having sex with you doesn’t satisfy him or maybe he’s got some sort of erectile dysfunction/ejaculation issue if he can’t get an erection/get off more than 1x/day.  

Post # 16
Member
1623 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Wow, I found some of these PP comments pretty harsh! The OP is basically saying she doesn’t mind masturbation as long as it doesn’t disturb her own sex life and apparently it is. I feel for you. You do need to relax on trying to catch your SO masturbating though. I hate how therapy is suggested all the time for even small problems but in this situation I would suugest therapy for you both, together. I would think it would help the situation tremendously!

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