BFF Betrayal wedding sabotage (advice)

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
7025 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Sapphire_Queen:  Although it’s possible that she’s so insecure that she needs to be married days before you and cause drama, it is much more likely that the date she chose was the only one that worked if she didn’t want to wait another 6-12 months. And if that is the only date that works, then for her, her own wedding is more important than being in yours.

She is not being a terrible friend. But it sounds like you can’t be at each other’s weddings. So just tell her something like, “If that’s the case then I’m sorry I can’t attend your wedding and there’s a good chance you can’t attend mine, but hopefully our friendship is stronger than this.”

EDIT: It wasn’t good that she got angry that you couldn’t be in her wedding, but she might have just not known your schedule and been shocked.

Post # 4
557 posts
Busy bee

@Sapphire_Queen:  It is true that your wedding isn’t the only one she has to worry about now and obviously her wedding is more important than yours in her mind. That isn’t being a bad friend. You think your wedding is more important than hers because it is YOURS.

Maybe that is the month she has always wanted…or she is a number freak like I am (I have and thing with odd numbers) I already have the month I want to get married in my head…if you were my best friend and chose that month, then I got engaged I sure would still have my wedding in the month I wanted.

Additionally, if you have tickets to fly somewhere 5 days before her wedding and you already know you will not be in town…well, she needs to accept that. If she didn’t already know that I could see how she would have an initial upset reaction.

I also know a lot of people who feel the need to do their honeymoon right away- I do wonder if she is doing that on purpose because you cannot be in her wedding, but who knows.

Either way, weddings bring out the bridezilla in everyone and I don’t think she is being particularly selfish and terrible. sorry. You guys need to have a talk and just accept you aren’t going to be in each others weddings and move on…Try to have fun planning your weddings together-just because you wont be there, it doesn’t mean you can’t help up until then.

Post # 5
2493 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@Sapphire_Queen:  …so what do you want here? Do you TRULY want advice, or do you just want people to validate your position? If it’s the latter, I think you’re going to be disappointed. 

In the way of advice, I think that most good friends would be excited to have weddings close together–you have someone to commiserate with, you have someone to help you plan, you have someone with whom you can talk your ear off about Jordan almonds and Swavroski crystals. Furthermore, I would hope that any of my friends were happy for me when I found love, as I am for them. A friend’s wedding should be a happy occasion, no matter where it comes in proximity to your own. 

Frankly, the whole “How does my friend’s engagement affect ME?” makes the both of you sound too self-absorbed to be each-other’s true friend. 

If you can’t be happy for her and she can’t be happy for you, then I have my doubts about the freindship in general and can’t figure out why, if you’re so offended by her date-pick that you dropped out of being her BM, you’re so bummed out she’s going to miss your wedding? 

Post # 6
45 posts

I think she is being kind of selfish. She already agreed to be in your wedding, so at the very least, she could have picked a date that wouldn’t conflict w/ your wedding day…I’m not saying that you own the whole mo…but I don’t think it’s fair that she would be upset that you cannot be a bridesmaid in her wedding when SHE KNEW that you would be flying out to your destination for your wedding….is she being a terrible friend? Meh…I think she’s being a bit selfish… Maybe even a bridezilla …but there’s a good amt of time before both weddings…who knows, she may have to change her date (vendor, venue availability etc) I hope you 2 can get it worked out…trust me, you don’t want to lose your bff over 1 day…’s so not worth it

Post # 7
1951 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@Sapphire_Queen:  One of my BMs was the MOH at her best friend’s wedding, and the bride was my friend’s MOH at her wedding. So they were each other’s MOHs. The weddings were literally a week apart. It was the timeline that worked for each of them individually, and they were amazing about it. My BM took her honeymoon early, and her friend took a 5 day one and was back on Friday. While not ideal, they love and support each other, and made it work. 

I think that if you’re truly friends, you’ll find some way to make it happen. You get one day – not a week, not a month. I’m sorry that this is causing arguments and stress for you, but having seen firsthand that this CAN work out well with some compromise, I don’t know what else to tell you. 

And I also see that this is your first post, so welcome! The Bee is a great place for advice, ideas, and good chats. Hope you find it helpful!

Post # 8
1613 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Sapphire_Queen:  Wowza.

Yes every bride has a right to whatever date she wants BUT

She is angry you can’t FLY out near your wedding AND she’s upset you are ruining her honeymoon?!

Plane tickets are uber expensive and I can remember being nearly BROKE the week of our wedding because of last minute expensives in addtion to bills. I can’t imagine getting a plane ticket!!! Tickets for my husband to come home from the Navy in April are ALREADY $400!!!

Yeah, you have every right to be upset

Post # 9
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

I would never plan my wedding 5 days before my friend’s. Totally LAME. And then be mad that there’s a schedule conflict? Ridiculous.

I’d be very disappointed too, OP. But you have to find a way to let go of the anger– it’s not worth the time and energy you’re spending on it. 

Tell her you’re disappointed b/c not only can you not be a BM in her wedding, but she can’t attend yours b/c of her honeymoon, so you’re both missing out. That’s all you can really do. It was her choice to pick that date and she picked it. It’s a shame.

Post # 12
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

Also, her reasoning that she doesn’t want to wait… but she’s getting married in December 2014? So she’s ok to wait 12 months, but not more? Why not have a summer wedding? She sounds pretty lame to me.

Post # 13
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@paula1248:  “If that’s the case then I’m sorry I can’t attend your wedding and there’s a good chance you can’t attend mine, but hopefully our friendship is stronger than this.”

Both of you are considering your weddings more important than the other’s, which is completely ok, but if she’s going to get mad becuase you can’t be there, and you are going to call her a crappy friend for having it 5 days before yours, then neither one of you are being a good friend honestly. Just chalk it up to what it is: a very nasty scheduling conflict that neither of you can negotiate on. Work on your friendship if you feel you still want to have one (although I feel it a bit silly to “break up” over something like this)

Post # 14
1259 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Out of respect, I would never plan my wedding so close to a friends’. Everyone is different and my group of friends is pretty laid back but weddings can be so stressful so I would just feel bad planning my wedding 5 days before my best friends’.

Post # 15
48 posts
  • Wedding: August 2013

Wow, I am sorry that some people are not being very empathetic. I can understand that maybe she didn’t want to wait or that it was 1 of only a few select dates, but that date shouldn’t have been an option to her. If she wanted to not wait so badly then she should have just eloped! If your dates were already offical (not just saying when you were thinking), deposits paid, and everything finalized then she is being a horrible friend! My friend was engaged first and planned a July wedding. When I got engaged, I had a limited amount of days and I choose the farthest one from her wedding because I wanted her at mine and I didn’t want to ruin hers. They were 6 weeks apart. I even made sure she would be back in time from her honeymoon to make my Bachlorette party. We scheduled around each other and it worked, but it was also 6 weeks apart, not 5 days. I think she is being horribly selfish and now neither of you will be able to participate in each others big days! Truly a shame that she wouldn’t want to be apart of yours that way.

Post # 16
236 posts
Helper bee

I’m sorry, but I totally agree you have every right to be upset.  I have had a similar situation come up with one of my BM, and it has nothing to do with expecting everyone to keep the months surrounding my wedding open, or not being happy that she’s getting married, but it seems to me to be a rational, respectful thing when you already know someone close to you is planning a big event.  We made sure to clear dates, costs and conflicts with VIPs a year before our wedding and prior to booking a venue because it was important to us we didn’t unduly stretch their budgets or stress them out.  

You’ve had your wedding in the works for quite a while and been considerate giving her lots of notice and if she chooses, for whatever reason, to have hers 5 days before yours that is her decision. However, I don’t think you’re obligated to bend over backwards and sacrifice your wedding for hers. 

I did (and would recommoned) just calmly outlining why you don’t feel you’re able to attend her wedding, and if she argues and gets upset, just stick to your guns and never let it devolve to a “fight”. 

Hopefully, eventually she will calm down. In my situation I’ve realized my BM is the type of person who will never think she’s done anything wrong and will always blame me for not pushing my limits to come.  However, I personally decided I wasn’t going to sacrifice my wedding for hers and that is that.

On another note – is this going to be an issue for guests? Overlapping friends who are forced to choose?

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