Post # 1
I need some advice. I think my best friend is marrying the wrong guy. She started dating him when she was really young, and he’s all she’s ever known. They just recently got engaged in January and they currently live together. She is a college graduate and pays all of the bills. He’s in a band and is waiting for his big break, even though he is in his late-thirties. He also does a lot of hard core drugs and his occupation does not even support himself, let alone a wife. This is the part that I have an issue with (mainly the drugs). I’ve also seen her dreams diminish and she doesn’t talk about all of the goals and aspirations she once had. He doesn’t treat her bad or abuse her or anything, but then again he doesn’t really treat her like the fine catch that she is.
So what do I do? I’ve been asked to be in the wedding and I want to support her, but I also do not want her to make a mistake. I know I can’t tell her that he’s not good enough for her, even though that’s how I feel deep down inside. I feel like he’s using her to follow his dream… and she recently tried drugs for the first time.
What do you ladies think? Am I way out of order here? I’ve pretty much decided not to say anything, but I don’t want to see her divorced in a few years. I need help!
Post # 3
I have to say, I’ve known people who have done things that I haven’t agreed with. I’ve told people and it’s caused problems between us. I’ve also gone without saying things because sometimes you have to let things play out on their own. At the end of her day it’s her life and her business. As her friend you can give your opinion and she can do what she wants with it, but really people will just do what they want to do in the end. People just have to learn from their own mistakes, so then it’s up to you to decide if you want to stand by her to support her, or if it’s something you are really uncomfortable with, then maybe the friendship can’t last.
Post # 5
normally I say MYOB, but I think you should at least express concern about the drug use…how would you feel if she got addicted and/or OD’ed, and you didn’t say anything now?
Post # 6
It would be really hard to talk to her about her FI in a way that didn’t seem supportive.
But maybe you could focus on the drugs part? If my friend tried hardcore drugs for the first time, I would be really worried for them… and I don’t think they’d freak out if I said something!
Post # 8
Everything besides the drugs is really not your concern, unfortunately. You could try bringing up the drugs, but she will likely tell you he is quitting or cutting back, or something like that. I think the best approach is just to be there for her – and try to set up time when the two of you are alone and you can ask her how she’s feeling about getting married etc – give her a safe place to talk, maybe she knows he isn’t right but is afraid to verbalize?
Post # 9
Gosh this is hard — i would try to talk to her in the most supportive way possible and if she get defensive and or huffy, I’d drop it. It’s not worth loosing a friend over at this point and sometimes people need to figure things out for themselves, unfortunately.
Post # 10
Wow, that’s hard. Part of me says MYOB, but I know what it’s like to have your BFF in a bad relationship. My BFF dated a guy for about 3 years, and by the last year or two I was constantly upset when I talked to her or thought about her b/c I knew how unhappy she was and how much of a jerk he was being. I listened to her and supported her, but when I finally worked up the courage to tell her that I really thought she needed to get out of that relationship and the toll it was taking on me and our friendship, she broke up with him before I did. But if they had gotten engaged, I think that I would have talked to her about it. BTW, another good friend of ours was in a bad relationship, and my BFF has always made it clear that there is no way that she would have let them get married if they got engaged. So I knew with her there’s precedence for her thinking it’s okay for friends to get involved.
I think for me I knew that if I told her what I thought it was possible she’d choose the relationship over me…so I tried to give her advice and support her without bluntly saying she was making a mistake. But it finally got to the point where I could no longer feel like a good friend if I didn’t speak up and being so close to the situation was v. painful for me. But I knew that it could cost me the friendship…so that’s something I think you’d need to be okay with. The only other thing I can share is taht a good (male) friend’s ex had been in an abusive relationship before him. Apparently many of her best friends had told her they could no longer support her in her relationship, and that basically killed her friendship with them. But now she says it was the best thing they ever did b/c eventually she realized how bad things were and she got out of it and is friends with them again.
So I don’t know, it’s tough. But I do think hard core drugs are a huge red flags…and while he might not be treating her too badly now, it’s hard to know that he won’t in the future. And, if you’re already seeing it impact her own life goals, then it is bad now!
Post # 11
I agree with MrBee. Even though it is heart-breaking to watch somone you love doing something that you feel will probably not end up good down the road..getting married to the "wrong" person, that is unfortunately something she will have to decide for herself. As far as the drug use, that I would definitely address if it was my BFF in a way that is as non-confrontational as possible, so that she understands you are doing so because you care about her safety and well-being.
Post # 12
I think you should sit down with your friend and let her know that you are concerned. Voice your reasons, and tell her that even though you respect the fact that this is her decision, you are saying this because you are a friend are you are worried about her.
Post # 13
- Wedding: September 2009 - City Hall
I have been in that situation myself, and what I can say is that I thought – no, I KNEW that I was right and everyone else was wrong. I was so angry that others couldn’t see the goodness that I could see in my man.
Turns out… everyone else was right… but I was the first to admit that I deserved all the "told ya so’s".
These kinds of issues are almost useless to try to intervene in.. unless she ASKS for your advice.
Post # 14
Like marquisemiss, before I met Mr.D, I was an a relationship that was actually pretty crappy. I didn’t realize it until after I was out of it. I felt really fortunate that it was a really big, ugly breakup, or else I could have been swayed to get back together (because we were together so long). I know I would have defended my ex to the bitter end, because I was really defending myself by defending my choice to be with him. I don’t know if there was anything that anyone could have said to me before the breakup to help me see the light. But I’m lucky they were so supportive after it was all said and done. Be careful not to push her away. Remind her that you will be there for her no matter what, and that she does not have to be in her current situation if it isn’t what she really wants. If she is not happy, point out that she is not the light hearted person you once knew, but let her come to the conclusion that he is the reason why…
Post # 15
I agree with marquisemiss. Unless she asks for your opinion, don’t say anything. Anyone in that sort of situation is going to have people coming at them from left and right telling them they are making a mistake. She’s heard it all before and you are not going to be the magic bullet to change her mind. She probably already knows how you and everyone else feels and just wants you to respect her decisions. She is going to make her own decisions and mistakes.
The best thing you can do is support her and be her friend, so that one day if it falls apart you will still be her friend when she really needs you. If I made that kind of huge mistake I would feel embarrassed to go to people who had tried to warn me because I would fear they would say "I told you so." But I would really value the friendship of someone who had supported me all along.
Post # 16
Sorry you’re in a touch situation like this. I would also start with the drug part because it’s clearly wrong.
The other part (relationship) is really your friend’s own call. It’s hard but interfering really will just damage your own relationship. I had to go through that once with a friend of mine (bf was mistreating her) and it the friend just wouldn’t listen to us. The more we tried to talk to her, the more she would close herself up (which is even worse). A few years later she finally realized it herself and got out of that situation, but it wasn’t something anyone can help her if she doesn’t want to be helped.
Post # 17
@ chelseamorning: While I respect your opinion, I would have to disagree. Speaking as more of a non-concequentialist, I believe that if she truly cares about her friend she really needs to speak up and voice her concerns. She doesn’t have to tell her friend she’s marrying the wrong man or anything like that, but she could express that she is worried about his and her drug usage and his seeming lack of motivation. I don’t think that voicing a concern about someone’s well-being should break a friendship (it certainly would not break any of mine) and would get the point across, although outright telling someone their SO isn’t good enough for them probably would and is just not a good idea.
In the end though, we can’t decide who our friends marry and it’s important that her friend knows she is there for her, but I think a true friend should speak up if something feels off.