Post # 1
So my best friend is a lesbian, she came out to me when we were teenagers and I was the first person to know. Since then we have been inseperable… atleast until I got engaged. The thing about her is that she doesn’t talk about any problems she has, so when something gets bad enough she shuts down on you completely. That’s why I’m completely blindsighted by her behavior but I guess I should have seen it coming. I should probably tell you what exactly is wrong. Well first let me tell you that we are a tight group, not really a group theres only 3 of us but we’re like blood.
Anyways when I announced my engagement everyone was jumping for joy, all my friends gushed about how great it all is and started planning right away. When I told my best friends one of them was super excited but the other was very emotionless. Being as close as we are I expected all of us to be excited but there was somthing about M and the way she was acting, I know her so well that I knew this wasn’t going to be okay. A month after announcing the engaement she tells me that she will not be coming to the wedding… actually she didn’t tell me she told her sister who is the other bff and she told me. I asked M about it and she just told me that she didn’t like wedding.. I was so confused I mean it’s your best friends wedding, even if you hate weddings you still go! and I’ve been dragged to so many rock concerts by artists that I didn’t like, I went with her to her first gay club when she was too nervous to go alone, I read countless lesbian support books with her and have even been to a lgb support club at school because she didn’t want to go alone… and I’m not even a lesbian.I did it because I love her and she asked me to.
So I didn’t understand why she couldn’t do this for me. I’ve tried convincing her to go but I’ve finally given up… when she says no it really means no. I am just shocked and I can’t figure it out… it’s just so out of left field. It’s been 6 months now and the wedding is next month. We’ve grown apart of course and it literally brings tears to my eyes, this is someone who finishes my sentences who shares all my weirdness someone who has been by my side for so long who I share so many memories with and she won’t even be a guest at my wedding.
It just hurts, but I try not to take it to heart because if it’s one thing I know about M is that she likes to hide, I know she has a good reason I just wish I knew what it was. We still hang out and when we’re together it’s like nothing ever happened, but when my other bff asks her if she’s coming she blows up and gets angry and tells her to stop asking all the time, that shes not coming. The other day when she asked for a last time because shes my MOH and I needed a final count M said “No I’m not going, She’ll never be able to come to my wedding now will she?! I will never have a wedding!” and she stormed off. I told my MOH to drop it, to just leave her alone. Although I was really angry with M at first I’m just going to let it go, the whole situation doesn’t make sense to me, but thats M and I love her to death weather she comes to the wedding or not.
I guess I’m not really asking for advice, Its just nice to get it out, to see the words and finally just close the book on this whole crazy situation.
Post # 3
I know you’re not looking for advice, which is good since I don’t have any, I just wanted to send a big virtual hug. I’m sorry she’s acting this way. My best friend is a lesbian too (and was a BM) and I would have been absolutely devastated if she hadn’t come to our wedding. I wonder if it’s just that she’s upset about not being able to have a traditional wedding/marriage herself (assuming it’s not legal where you live?) or if it’s something deeper.
Anyway, you still have a month, I hope she comes around!
Post # 4
I would like to hear some of the LGBTQ bees weigh in on this, but I can honestly see her point. It’s likely extremely painful for her to be at an event where she gets to see first hand what she’s not allowed to have, legally, and to be reminded of how society in the States sees her. Yes, it would be nice if she could be there to support you, but only she knows how much emotional pain she is capable of handling and still being supportive. I’m sure you don’t want her to be hurt.
Post # 5
I’m not sure if I should say this, but, maybe she loves you, and you marrying someone else hurts too much.
Post # 6
I’ll second what a few PPs have said about how maybe it just hurts her to see weddings because she knows she can’t have one. One of my gay friends and his boyfriend did not come to our wedding, and I suspect that it may have been for that reason (and also because we got married in a Catholic church, which makes it even worse).
Whatever the reason might be, I’m very sorry you have to go through this. It’s so hard finding out that a best friend won’t be there. 🙁
Post # 7
I think even if it upsets her she should still be supportive especially since you have always been there for her. I can’t get legally married to my partner, but I still love weddings. I can’t have a legal marriage, but I can and will still have a beautiful wedding. I still plan on having a marriage, it may not be legal but it’s still a marriage. It will be my beautiful and happy non-legal marriage. I will continue to volunteer my time, effort and money in hopes that one day gay marriage will be legal. However legalities aren’t going to stop me from having the wedding of my dreams to the woman of my dreams.
I wonder if maybe there is some other issue that is bothering her. Why I can understand being hurt and upset that gay marriage isn’t legal, that doesn’t mean she should ruin a friendship over it. I have friends who are tall, but I’m not going to be upset with them because I dislike being short and their height reminds me of how short I am. I’m not going to unsupportive of a friend who buys a house because I can’t afford one. Or a friend that is or does anything that I’m not capable of. I am happy for them and support them because they are happy for me and support me.
Post # 8
My ex-MOH/ex-friend dropped out of my wedding 2 weeks before it was happening. I will never know if it was due to something she doesn’t think she’ll ever have legally, or if there was a different reason. She refuses to talk to me even tho my wedding was almost a year ago. Honestly, I can kind of see her point. I’d be devestated if legal marriage wasn’t an option for me. I’m wondering if this is the case for your best friend. It may just be too difficult for her. It sucks, but that’s how I’m trying to see it from her perspective. On the other hand, you sound like you’ve been a very supportive and awesome friend to her. You’d think that she’d be a little more supportive of you.
Post # 9
I have gay relatives and I was so thrilled that they wanted to attend my wedding. I didn’t expect them too, though they are legally married, they were not able to be for 20+ years. Enjoying a right that you know is denied to others may make it seem like you are okay with that.
She could have approached you about it and explained her feelings, but I understand her not wanting to go. Sorry that you are going through this.
Post # 10
@Roe: Agreed. also sorry this is happening.
Post # 11
@MammaMouse: I thought of this too….
Post # 12
I think she is being amazingly unfair.
It sounds as though you have been an amazing supportive friend to her, pity she cannot do the same for you.
Post # 13
@lybarra: There is no legal discrimination against short people, though.
Post # 14
@peachacid: This is true, I was just giving examples maybe it wasn’t the best. I was mainly just trying to say that I would never be unsupportive to a good friend simply because for what ever reason I couldn’t have what they have. Do I wish I could get legally married, of course I do, but I’m not going to be unsupportive of my straight friends that can.
Post # 15
I’m really sorry you’re going through this.
From what you said, it sounds like your wedding is bringing up a lot of anger and resentment for her that she is discriminated against in our society. I do think she should put that aside and be happy for you – after all it is not your fault she can’t be married. And I say that as a gay woman who recently married (though not legally) myself.
But, since she is still trying to maintain a friendship with you, just feels she can not attend your wedding, I would try to let it go, because I don’t think weddings are worth ending friendships over. You want her there for the rest of your (married) life more than on your wedding day, I assume. Hopefully in the future she will be able to see that she was being selfish and apologize, but even if not, she is your friend and you don’t want to cause her pain. If even bringing it up makes her angry, you can tell there is a lot of pain below the surface. Is it rational or fair to you? No, but it obviously exists.
Good luck, I hope you can weather this issue.
Post # 16
I’d be surprised if she was in love with you! It’s much more likely that your wedding is stirring up a wave of resentment, sadness and loneliness. I’m gay, have a great partner and live in a country where I can get a civil partnership. Heck, my local church is even throwing me a service! But it is still hard not to feel a little bitter sometimes that it’s so much easier for all my straight friends to get married and be accepted as a married couple.
For lots of gay people, coming out is a difficult, ongoing process – you have to do it every time you meet someone new, and every time there’s that fear of rejection. Whereas for straight couples, marriage is at least partly the hallmark of society’s acceptance that they’d decided to sleep together, there isn’t an equivalent universally recognised ‘you guys are ok’ for gay people. Our relationships – married or single – will always be a source of potential conflict and controversy. It’s hard not to be bitter about that sometimes, and if you’re in a country where it’s even less accepted and recognised than it is over here, I can see how that resentment could cause you to brood and to find weddings difficult. And the underlying bitterness does serve an important purpose, in some ways, as it’s what fuels change. If we just stay content with a grudging ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’, I-don’t-think-it’s-right-but-it-shouldn’t-be-banned sort of acceptance, we will never have equality.
Now, of course, that bitterness shouldn’t affect friendships. Of course, in an ideal world, she would be supportive – at least in public. But if she can’t, she can’t and this may be one of those times when you need to be the bigger person and let it go. At least she’s trying to stay friends.