(Closed) Bff won't come to my wedding…

posted 5 years ago in LGBTQ
Post # 3
Member
4038 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I know you’re not looking for advice, which is good since I don’t have any, I just wanted to send a big virtual hug. I’m sorry she’s acting this way. My best friend is a lesbian too (and was a BM) and I would have been absolutely devastated if she hadn’t come to our wedding. I wonder if it’s just that she’s upset about not being able to have a traditional wedding/marriage herself (assuming it’s not legal where you live?) or if it’s something deeper. 

Anyway, you still have a month, I hope she comes around!

Post # 4
Member
2820 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I would like to hear some of the LGBTQ bees weigh in on this, but I can honestly see her point.  It’s likely extremely painful for her to be at an event where she gets to see first hand what she’s not allowed to have, legally, and to be reminded of how society in the States sees her. Yes, it would be nice if she could be there to support you, but only she knows how much emotional pain she is capable of handling and still being supportive. I’m sure you don’t want her to be hurt.

Post # 5
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee

I’m not sure if I should say this, but, maybe she loves you, and you marrying someone else hurts too much.

Post # 6
Member
5093 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2012

I’ll second what a few PPs have said about how maybe it just hurts her to see weddings because she knows she can’t have one.  One of my gay friends and his boyfriend did not come to our wedding, and I suspect that it may have been for that reason (and also because we got married in a Catholic church, which makes it even worse).

Whatever the reason might be, I’m very sorry you have to go through this.  It’s so hard finding out that a best friend won’t be there.  🙁

Post # 7
Member
383 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I think even if it upsets her she should still be supportive especially since you have always been there for her. I can’t get legally married to my partner, but I still love weddings. I can’t have a legal marriage, but I can and will still have a beautiful wedding.  I still plan on having a marriage, it may not be legal but it’s still a marriage. It will be my beautiful and happy non-legal marriage. I will continue to volunteer my time, effort and money in hopes that one day gay marriage will be legal.  However legalities aren’t going to stop me from having the wedding of my dreams to the woman of my dreams. 

I wonder if maybe there is some other issue that is bothering her. Why I can understand being hurt and upset that gay marriage isn’t legal, that doesn’t mean she should ruin a friendship over it. I have friends who are tall, but I’m not going to be upset with them because I dislike being short and their height reminds me of how short I am.  I’m not going to unsupportive of a friend who buys a house because I can’t afford one.  Or a friend that is or does anything that I’m not capable of. I am happy for them and support them because they are happy for me and support me. 

Post # 8
Member
2981 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

My ex-MOH/ex-friend dropped out of my wedding 2 weeks before it was happening. I will never know if it was due to something she doesn’t think she’ll ever have legally, or if there was a different reason. She refuses to talk to me even tho my wedding was almost a year ago. Honestly, I can kind of see her point. I’d be devestated if legal marriage wasn’t an option for me. I’m wondering if this is the case for your best friend. It may just be too difficult for her. It sucks, but that’s how I’m trying to see it from her perspective. On the other hand, you sound like you’ve been a very supportive and awesome friend to her. You’d think that she’d be a little more supportive of you.

Post # 9
Member
2697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I have gay relatives and I was so thrilled that they wanted to attend my wedding. I didn’t expect them too, though they are legally married, they were not able to be for 20+ years. Enjoying a right that you know is denied to others may make it seem like you are okay with that.

She could have approached you about it and explained her feelings, but I understand her not wanting to go. Sorry that you are going through this.

Post # 10
Member
384 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

@Roe:  Agreed. also sorry this is happening.

Post # 11
Member
74 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@MammaMouse:  I thought of this too….

Post # 12
Member
2578 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I think she is being amazingly unfair.

It sounds as though you have been an amazing supportive friend to her, pity she cannot do the same for you.

Post # 13
Member
9920 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

@lybarra:  There is no legal discrimination against short people, though.  

Post # 14
Member
383 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@peachacid:  This is true, I was just giving examples maybe it wasn’t the best.  I was mainly just trying to say that I would never be unsupportive to a good friend simply because for what ever reason I couldn’t have what they have. Do I wish I could get legally married, of course I do, but I’m not going to be unsupportive of my straight friends that can. 

Post # 15
Member
1359 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’m really sorry you’re going through this.

From what you said, it sounds like your wedding is bringing up a lot of anger and resentment for her that she is discriminated against in our society. I do think she should put that aside and be happy for you – after all it is not your fault she can’t be married. And I say that as a gay woman who recently married (though not legally) myself.

But, since she is still trying to maintain a friendship with you, just feels she can not attend your wedding, I would try to let it go, because I don’t think weddings are worth ending friendships over. You want her there for the rest of your (married) life more than on your wedding day, I assume. Hopefully in the future she will be able to see that she was being selfish and apologize, but even if not, she is your friend and you don’t want to cause her pain. If even bringing it up makes her angry, you can tell there is a lot of pain below the surface. Is it rational or fair to you? No, but it obviously exists.

 

Good luck, I hope you can weather this issue.

Post # 16
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’d be surprised if she was in love with you!  It’s much more likely that your wedding is stirring up a wave of resentment, sadness and loneliness.  I’m gay, have a great partner and live in a country where I can get a civil partnership.  Heck, my local church is even throwing me a service!  But it is still hard not to feel a little bitter sometimes that it’s so much easier for all my straight friends to get married and be accepted as a married couple.

For lots of gay people, coming out is a difficult, ongoing process – you have to do it every time you meet someone new, and every time there’s that fear of rejection.  Whereas for straight couples, marriage is at least partly the hallmark of society’s acceptance that they’d decided to sleep together, there isn’t an equivalent  universally recognised ‘you guys are ok’ for gay people.  Our relationships – married or single – will always be a source of potential conflict and controversy.  It’s hard not to be bitter about that sometimes, and if you’re in a country where it’s even less accepted and recognised than it is over here, I can see how that resentment could cause you to brood and to find weddings difficult.  And the underlying bitterness does serve an important purpose, in some ways, as it’s what fuels change.  If we just stay content with a grudging ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’, I-don’t-think-it’s-right-but-it-shouldn’t-be-banned sort of acceptance, we will never have equality.

Now, of course, that bitterness shouldn’t affect friendships.  Of course, in an ideal world, she would be supportive – at least in public.  But if she can’t, she can’t and this may be one of those times when you need to be the bigger person and let it go.  At least she’s trying to stay friends.

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