- 5 years ago
I’m looking for any advice I can get from anyone that can relate to this post. It’s quite long!
I met FI 5 years ago and when we met he told me that 4 years prior he became addicted to cocaine and basically turned his life and those around him up-side down. He would steal money for his addiction and from what family and friends tell him, he was going down fast. His addiction lasted for a year. He went to re-hab, stayed 2 days, left, and never touched it again…. I found a journal he kept while in counselling and from what I read I could see he was very depressed/suicidal at the point in his life. In every page he would write about how he hated his life, how he has become like his father and how he wished he met a good girl to bring him to happiness. I was so sad reading his journal because I could never imagine him feeling this way (he’s very matcho) and I felt I was that girl he needed to help his life become better. (I must add, family has belived for years that his father is bipolar but he has never wanted to admit it… His father can go weeks and months without saying a word to his wife)
When we met he was the nicest, most loving man I had ever met. He was so thankful and appreciative of everything I did for him. His family told me time and time again how I have made him a better person. He would do anything for me, treated me like a princess, the communication was amazing AND the sex was often and great!! I was convinced I met my prince and this story would continue on its happy path…
After that year was over, his true colors started to show. He became very selfish and mean. When we would fight he would often kick me out of his house and then the next day call saying he couldn’t live without me bla bla bla.. He once went as far as to send me flowers at work because I wasn’t taking his calls.
He proposed 8 months ago and although I had my worries, I told myself that no-one is perfect and that most guys put on an act when they first meet a girl… Well things have only gotten worst. We fight daily mostly about things he considers I “nag” or “lecture” him about. When I try to communicate how I feel (calmly without attacking) about certain things he does to hurt me, he basically responds by telling me that if I’m not happy to give him back the ring… In the past when things got to this point and he threatened the relationship, I would leave and the next day he would act all nice as if nothing happened and win me back. But now that we’re engaged and all the wedding preparations are in place, I don’t have the energy to “teach him a lesson” and take his advice, leave and wait for him to come back to his senses. I just want to be able to sit down, communicate and compromise. I tell him this but no matter what I say he just screams at me, puts me down and turns it arounbd so that I feel guilty. It’s like talking to a wall, theres zero logic coming from his mouth but he’s convinced he’s right and that no other point of view makes sense. I have tried changing myself by thinking carefully before I share with him what’s bothering me and being MUCHHHH more patient but after a while I cant keep it bottled up inside and the fighting starts all over again. I’m all about communication and trying to fix things so when he tells me these things I feel I hit a wall and just shut-up.
His mood swings have become daily in the last 6 months. I feel that no matter what I do I can’t make him happy. When we fight he tells me such mean things (ex: he’s falling oiut of love with me, he doesnt feel connected to me) but the very next morning he texts me or calls me with the sweetest things (ex: i’m counting the days until you become my wife, even though we fight i can still think of you and smile…) I tell him how this is not healthy to our relationship and that we need to find better ways to argue… He thinks its normal??? I wake up every morning feeling so sick, wondering what’s going to happen next. Even though this pattern should be predictable and I shouldn’t let the fights bother me as much, I can’t help but constantly feel scared he’s going to blow up at me or that I’m going to say the wrong thing.
Also, in the past year we have sex maximum twice a MONTH, and this is after countless rejections after I try and initiate. I have tried millions of time to explain to him that I think our sex life is not normal but he keeps making excuses. He says that once we’re married it will be different because we will be living in our own house. I know he’s being faithful, it’s the only thing in this relationship I can be 100% certain of… However, I have thought so many times about how it would feel like to feel desired by another man. I have not acted on my curiousity but these thoughts are often now…
In massive fights I have tried telling him that I think he has a personality disorder (I’m thinking bi-polar) but his ego will never admit that to me. I wish I could get back the man I fell in love with. Does anyone relate to how I’m feeling? Do you think he has a personality disorrder or is je just a jerk who covered up real good the first year we met? I love him. I want this to work BUT I think i’m at the end of my rope.