Big brother missing the wedding because he's in jail…

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Should I mention my brother at all?
    "wish my brother could be here" in the thank you speech : (8 votes)
    11 %
    empty place for him at a table with the family : (0 votes)
    do nothing : (64 votes)
    86 %
    Other (explain) : (2 votes)
    3 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    1251 posts
    Bumble bee

    Sorry for the unfortunate situation.  I have no advice,  but perhaps others might. All the best…

    Post # 3
    Member
    8426 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    bourkelton:  Honestly, I’d just treat him like a guest that you invited and couldn’t make it.  I’m not sure if you want to draw attention to him being in jail on your wedding day.

    Post # 4
    Member
    2134 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    housebee:  +1 

    It isn’t something I’d want to draw attention to, so I wouldn’t do anything. So sorry you’re going through this…I hope your brother gets some help while in jail and is able to turn his life around.

    Post # 5
    Member
    1793 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I would leave the whole thing alone.  I have grown kids so if one of them was in jail and another one was getting married I wouldn’t want to keep answering questions about my wayward child’s empty seat.

    I would do nothing to call attention to his absence.  I do hope he learns whatever lessones he needs to learn and gets the help he may need to turn things around.  It is obvious you love him and I do hope things turn around.

    Post # 6
    Member
    11740 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I wouldn’t bring up the topic at all, unless you want everyone to start talking about his crime instead of your wedding.

    Post # 7
    Hostess
    4941 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    bourkelton:  I’m with PPs in that you should just treat him as a guest that couldn’t make it to your big day. He hasn’t passed away, he made a mistake and unfortunately he’s having to pay the price for that mistake. I’m sure the last thing you want is people thinking he is no longer with us, and then having to explain that he is in jail. This is your wedding day! It’s sad that he won’t be there, but try not to let it damper your mood. This is still YOUR day, and it should be a very happy occassion. This is his burden, not yours. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    5295 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    I agree with the prevous posters. I wouldnt want tocall attnetion to the fact that he is in jail on your wedding day. I would just treat it like he was a guset who wasn’t able to make it

    Post # 8
    Member
    1570 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I agree with just treat him like a guest.  Your mom and GM may be embarrassed — its great you accept him for whatever he has done.

    Post # 12
    Member
    1843 posts
    Buzzing bee

    bourkelton:  I don’t know if this would help. It is not for the wedding per say but maybe it can help you guys feel a bit connected that day and that he somehow had some sort of presence in your big day? 

    Maybe you can tell him how it’s breaking your heart not having him him there. That you’ll miss him terribly and ask if he can write you a letter telling you the things he’d tell you, his sister, on her wedding day if he was there? Then if you guys get to do this to open the letter on your wedding day in the morning and read his message to you?

    I know it is not the same but given the circumstances, I know I would love to be able to read sonething like that. Because it would mean that such an important moment in my life was not something that because of the situati

    Post # 9
    Member
    878 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2016

    I sent you a PM with my advice!

    Post # 13
    Member
    1843 posts
    Buzzing bee

    bourkelton:  I don’t know if this would help. It is not for the wedding per say but maybe it can help you guys feel a bit connected that day and that he somehow had some sort of presence in your big day? 

    Maybe you can tell him how it’s breaking your heart not having him him there. That you’ll miss him terribly and ask if he can write you a letter telling you the things he’d tell you, his sister, on her wedding day if he was there? Then if you guys get to do this to open the letter on your wedding day in the morning and read his message to you?

    I know it is not the same but given the circumstances, I know I would love to be able to read sonething like that. Because it would mean that such an important moment in my life was not something that because of the situation, we acted as if he didn’t even exist. Your brother might be messed up. I have one of those too so I can relate. But he is your brother. Part of you and it is obvious you love him to death.

    good luck!

    Post # 10
    Member
    2368 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    Unfortunately, unless you want your family answering questions about what happened all night, you really can’t bring it up. I’m sure it’s a difficult subject, and not something you want to deal with on your wedding day. Even if you say ‘due to unforeseen circumstances, he can’t be here’, that will open up the flood gates for questions

    Post # 15
    Member
    3077 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2015

    I feel your pain, my brother has been in and out of jail for at least 10 years. He’s currently going to be in prison for another 10 for screwing up BAD. He’s my half brother, I didn’t grow up in the same house as him but we still talked until he started getting into trouble. He doesn’t know I’m engaged, has never met my fiancee, doesn’t even know I’m bi lol when he gets out he’ll be 40 and I’ll have been married for like 6 years. Talk about weird.

     

    I’m glad you decided not to mention it though! It’s not something you need to worry about or draw attn to

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