Post # 1
New bee here, not too sure where this goes so ill put it into emotional.
my brother has been with the same person since he was nineteen and she was fifteen, and they got engashe after two years. I think they’ve been together about seven years by now and are planning their wedding, or I might say they were.
they began planning a proper wedding and his fiancée even asked me to be maid of honour, that’s how well into the planning they were. all of a sudden they decide to elope. Okay, weird.
i feel like my brother is making a mistake. H seemed happy to be doing the traditional wedding but said it was a combination of cost and family drama that put them off, but I think his fiancée talked him into it. She hates attention and parties (she never comes to any big family parties, although we do hang out a lot and she sees our family it’s like she won’t make the effort to come to parties because she finds it ‘awkward’)
she claims it was his idea to elope because he got stressed about a wedding but my mother and I think she pushed him into this elopement. Its like we are being purposefully excluded, as when we offered to come they said it would be too expensive for us but we would have done it somehow.
I really disagree with the whole thing and want to confront him but don’t know how. Help?
Post # 3
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@bbones: Eloping is much less stressful than doing a big wedding. It’s their decision, leave it alone. There could be personal family drama you’re not aware of involving their relationship or the money they need to do a big wedding. Lots of us on the Bee recommend eloping to reduce stress.
Post # 4
Unfortunately, there’s really not much you can do. This decision is 100% up to your brother and his fiancee. I understand why you would be upset though, as this decision robs your family of the experiences and memories that would come from a traditional wedding.
It never hurts to ask your brother why he decided to elope instead of go the traditional route. But if that is something he (or his fiancee) have set their minds to, I doubt you will be able to change it. In fact, if you press too much you might damage your relationship with your brother and his future wife.
Post # 5
@bbones: It’s your brother’s wedding/elopement so the decision is his and his fiancé’s. Not yours.
Post # 6
I understand you feel hurt, but at the end of the day it’s their marriage and they did what was best for them. Many people plan a traditional wedding and then decide it’s just better to elope. I did. And don’t regret it one bit. The attention, family drama, and cost really played into my decision and my thought was that family would get over it.
I would never say that my brother made a mistake if he decided to elope. They have been together for awhile and you should support them in their marriage. You can let him know you are hurt, but that you are glad they did what was right for them.
Post # 7
@beachbride1216: the drama is on my side of the family. Our dad cheated on our mum and married the woman he cheated on, and everyone in my mums family hates my dad. They are worried about that, but it’s not a big enough deal to cancel a wedding over.
I agree it’s their decision, but I don’t think it’s a good one. They’ve been together so long that if money was an issue, why not just wait to save up rather than rushing it through?
Even little things like us wanting them to have a party after they get back have been side stepped and I don’t get it. His fiancée isn’t even going to have a hen do. She’s one of my best friends but sometimes it just pisses me off that she’s so reluctant to do things where she’s the centre of attention, she wouldn’t even have a 21at birthday party or anything and I find it weird and annoying that my brother has to give up having a wedding just because she can’t man up.
Post # 8
I would say, that given you’re here posting about it, that’s a good enough reason for them to choose to elope. I’m NOT saying it’s your fault, I’m just saying that they cited family drama and stress as their reason…..and here you are upset that you think they’re making a mistake by elopeing and not having the traditional wedding you think your brother really wants. As we all know, planning a wedding is incredibly stressful – and then you add in family drama where people hate each other. Yikes! Who wants to deal with that at their wedding?
You don’t think it’s a good decision, but it just isn’t a good decision for YOU. It may be the perfect decision for them. She doesn’t like being the center of attention, so what? Lots of people are that way? Why should she be forced to have a bachelorette party, or 21st B-day blowout, or any other party becuase someone else thinks it’s silly she won’t do it?
The best advice I have is to leave it alone. Their wedding, their way.
Oh, and FWIW….people assumed we had a “big wedding” because I wanted it – considering I’m the girl, and a wedding photogarpher, and I love all things wedding. On the contrary….I wanted a small wedding – destination or elopement – and my DH wanted the big wedding.
So I guess the same argument could be said for your brother….if she wanted the big wedding and he just wanted to elope, and they did elope – should your brother have just “manned up” and gone along with a big wedding? Marriage is about compromise….you don’t always get to win every time. No one ever knows what goes on in someone else’s home. How do you know they didn’t mutally agree on it, since your family is the one with all the drama?
Post # 9
@collieblueeyes: I’ve let them know that I don’t understand but that I’m okay with it, but they don’t really want any opinions or input on it. They don’t even talk about it in front of us which annoys me,
@Mrs. Camel: whenever I ask I just get the stock answer about money and family. They seem really excited about it when they let their guards slip, but if you try and bring it up with them they just shut down. I don’t believe his heart is in it though and that is what gets me. He’s my brother and I don’t want him to miss out on this because he is being pushed into it.
Post # 10
I have been in this situation, but in the position of the bride. Because of his family problems we cancelled the wedding. His mother didn’t like me, and tried everything to create problems to stop the wedding. I have refused to marry him now, as I feel that a wedding is between a ‘bride and a groom’. Families need to just accept the invitation and be happy to be invited. (Which is often not the case- almost everyone has some silly need or another which can just add to the stress of planning).
Eloping is often seen as a easy way out. Maybe she/he is still angry that they had to elope.
Post # 11
Have you considered that she may have social anxiety? It seems your family is pretty rude about their choices. She won’t “man” up and do whatever thing you guys want, or “man” up and have a birthday party. That’s a shitty thing to say. I have anxiety and I’m tired of ppl that act like that, like everyone needs to be little miss social. It’s ignorant to ppl like us. Have you thought about the fact that you’re probably hurting your brother by being all pissed about it? You all need to accept that this isn’t about you, it’s about them.
Post # 12
@starfish0116: I do see your point, but just because of the weird way she is about parties she is depriving my brother of a day for our amily seeing them get married.
she has no time for any members of our family except for me and my grandparents, and I think that he has begun to prefer her amily to ours because of her pushy ways. I’m making her sound areal cow and she isn’t, but my brother is the submissive one in their relationship. Like he can never get her to do what he wants, yet he does what she wants and I think the wedding is just another thing he’s going alon with it plase her.
@katepoppy: they don’t seem to be like ‘cut the drama or were eloping’ they didn’t even discuss it with us til it was booked. Never gave us a chance to look into flights or into coming along, they just did it and it pisses me off That w. Weren. Included
Post # 13
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
@bbones: It sounds like you’ve already done everything you can in terms of getting them to see your side… Even if he’s going along with it because of his fiancee, that’s his right, and it’s pretty considerate of him to take her social anxiety into account. I would guess that any more questioning about it will start to really irritate them. They’ve made a decision about their wedding and past a certain point, it’s no one else’s business.
They don’t really want any opinions or input on it. They don’t even talk about it in front of us which annoys me. It seems pretty obvious that they are tired of hearing their family’s opinions, so really, STOP harassing him about it!
You need to just try not to take it personally, let it go, and be happy for them.
Post # 14
@Glenda_the_good_witch: she doesn’t have social anxiety because she is fine hanging out with people she likes. She is always inviting me and my bf on nights out or over for dinner, but mention a family party or concert (my dad is a musician and puts on these huge shows and all our extended family go) and she is nowhere to be seen, always my brother on his own. I get it because sometimes I don’t even go because they are boring but seriously, she hasn’t been to a party or concert in about 2 years.
my brother actually is socially awkward and he loves being with her, but I think he would have liked a wedding, she’s very though playing the alternative cool indie chick and I think the elopement is part of that, like ‘oh look how out-there we are for eloping, fuck society etc’ and its so pissy!
Post # 15
@bbones: It’s none of your business really. When 2 people get married they become a family of their own. I understand why you feel hurt, but they’re not doing it for the purpose of excluding you and your family. Celebrate with them when they get back. All you can do for them is say congratulations and wish them happiness.
Post # 16
What you just described is the exact meaning of social anxiety. Of course she would surround herself with ppl she likes. She knows them well. Of course she wouldn’t go to concerts where groups of ppl are. It’s a nightmare at best. Please go research social anxiety.