Weddingbee boards

I am so sorry about the length of this!

I have a distant family member who has become a very close friend during my life. When my fiance and I got engaged, I asked her to be one of my bridesmaids. She said she would be thrilled to.

I asked her knowing how very, very busy her calendar is, and I knew her money situation was tight. I was up front at the asking that she could involve herself as much or as little in the planning. She seemed grateful to hear that.

She works for a non-profit. I work for a different non-profit. Rewind a few months prior to when I asked her to be a bridesmaid: she emailed me to ask me to participate in one of her non-profit's fundraisers. It was a walk, and it happened to coincide with a weekend of plans with my fiance's family. I told her I'd love to participate, though I wouldn't know until we got closer whether or not I'd actually be able to. In any event, I asked her for details. Never heard a word.

A week before the event I emailed her and said that it looked like I would be able to participate after all. Well, she was very upset. She felt I had blown her off, she felt I wasn't supporting her work. But was glad that I could join her. I did, it was fun, later in the day I emailed her to say I didn't get any sponsors but that my fiance and I would make a very small donation, and his company would match, and could she send me details. Never heard back.

Then comes the bridesmaid question, all seems well and fine.

Fast-forward two months, and I receive in the mail an invitation to her non-profit's gala, with a personalized note saying how much she hoped my fiance and I could attend. I immediately wrote her an email and tried to be very careful with my words. I explained to her that I was so proud of her for her tireless commitment to her mission. That I couldn't be more inspired in my own non-profit work. That, however much I would love to, my fiance and I just aren't in a position to support her charity right now, given that we're planning a wedding, buying a house, saving for retirement, plus, I have unbelievably high student loans.

I also very delicately tried to tell her that what little money we have budgeted for charity each year is earmarked for me to pay for my own tickets to my own non-profit's fundraisers, a mission that, between you bees and me, is more important to my heart than hers. That if money were no object, I would be thrilled to support her work. But that we just couldn't support her financially right now, and that I hoped she would understand.

However, I did offer to volunteer time to help her organization prepare for the event, and I offered a free barter exchange for advertising for both of our non-profits. I made this offer (I didn't tell her this) even though my own non-profit is on deadline for some major developments, and my fiance's birthday is two days before her event. So, while I couldn't write her a check, I volunteered my support in other ways.

No response. As we're getting close, I emailed her to check in, to see if she wanted to pin down some dates where I could help in advance of the event.

Then the S hit the F.

Her response basically said she's feeling so hurt, that friendship should be more than wine and good conversation, that our friendship means so much to her that she'll commit "hundreds upon hundreds" of dollars to wedding-related costs (dress, hotel), which she's happy to do, even though she can't afford it, but she'll do it because our friendship matters to her, and she wants my support where it really matters.

She continued to say she understood money was tight, but this event was important. She knows I volunteered to help, yes that's support, but it's like my saying $120 (her event's tickets) are too much for me to spend on her. She said she wouldn't be hurt even if I offered a donation of some level. She's taking it personally, and she said as much. Said it reflects how much I care about her. She hopes I'll reconsider.

I don't know what to do. Personally, I would never try to strongarm my family and friends into supporting my own non-profit's struggles. I've sent invitations, without personal notes, and those who are in a position to support have done so, and I've been truly grateful. If someone told me they couldn't -- or just didn't respond at all -- I wouldn't take it personally! That's happened to me and I've lived with it.

Her friendship is very important to me. But I am not in a position to give money to everyone who asks me, or to anyone who asks me! It is her culture that when someone asks her for money, she'll give the money whether or not she has it, and more often than not, she doesn't have it. I can appreciate that. But that's not my culture. And I know that's where her hurt feelings are coming from, that she would do it if she were asked, and she feels it's a personal affront when someone doesn't respond to her ask.

Not sure what to do at this point. I welcome any advice on how you would handle this.

Many thanks for reading.

I am so sorry for this situation. It seems as if she does not communicate directly (or in a timely manner) and instead lets things build up inside of her until she flips out. This is not a healthy way to handle any situation at all and I applaud you for handling it so well.

I do want to point out, however, that she might rationalize this in a very different way.  She might not be anywhere near the point in her life to get married (remember the episode of Sex & the City where Carrie loses the shoes at that party so she registers for them.. ? .. think that) and this charity is on the same level as your wedding (to her).  She has been saving up for months to attend your wedding, buy the dress, go to the parties, stay in the hotel. If this gala is just as important to her (but in her mind hundreds of dollars less than your wedding), it can be very hurtful for her to hear that you're not going.  Some of these feelings might even be jealousy over your wedding.

I once stepped out on my bridesmaids duties because I felt the bride and I had grown apart and a huge part of it was because I felt she didn't have time to be my friend but I was expected to spend hundreds of dollars and a lot of time.  I know each story has 2 sides so I hope you can see hers. She in no way is acting professionally or mature but she still is a great friend and I think there are some unresolved issues that you two do need to chat out.

Maybe its time to get together face to face and talk it all out.

I wish you the best!

Weddings make people weird.  She is being inappropriate (that is not how you get people to support a charity!), but by pulling your wedding into it, it makes it seem like there is more going on.  Maybe she feels left out that you get to be a bride and have people gather around to support you, and she thought that her gala could be her moment. 

Unfortunately, they don't really compare.  And while you should be supportive of your friends regardless of whether you are getting married, you shouldn't be expected to do more than you ordinarily could or would do.  You are doing the right thing by being as supportive as you can.

My one suggestion on what you could do to try to get past this nonsense....Tell her that you want to do bridesmaids' gifts that are really important and personal to everyone in your party to thank them for all they are doing for you.  And that you would love to honor her with a donation to her charity in lieu of something material.  And then go to the freaking fundraiser and give her a nice card for the wedding when the other girls are opening their gifts.

Thank you so much for all of your responses.

@brattkatt22: Thank you, that's a good suggestion. I've been trying to think of someone who might have a soft spot for her mission as well as the ability to support her event.

@daydreamwanderer: "Emotional blackmail" isn't a term that occurred to me, but you've nailed it. That's exactly what it feels like. I do understand the significance of her work. But I, too, am appalled from the perspective of someone who is struggling to keep a non-profit afloat. To me, it's how you lose donors, not cultivate them. Thanks for your response and support.

@CorgiTales: Thanks for your response. I'm with you 100%. Guilting me into supporting her chairty means that, if I do so now or in the future, it's because she more or less bullied me into doing it.

@Gator: That's a good point. Thanks for reminding me that there may be other factors at work for her emotionally. I really don't know what the solution is here, but you've given me pause to remember that being as gentle and as kind as possible is important. Thank you.

@Querida: Thank you for your advice and support, and for reminding me that it's OK to stand my ground. I told the story to my fiance this morning, and his immediate response, after saying she was being unreasonable, was to just send her the check and be done with it. But I don't want to set a precedent here, and if I don't stand my ground, I fear I'm going to confirm her stance that my money is more important than my time, and send her the message that what she's doing is OK.

@jocelyn: That's a great idea, actually. Because she decided to link the two events (her event and my wedding), it's a good idea to consider offering to support her event as my gift to her as a bridesmaid. I'm going to give that serious thought. Thank you.

@Jelly_Bean25: Yeah, I know it's not the same. But apparently, to her, it is the same, or close to it. However, the first fundraising event she invited me to in the spring was before we were engaged, so there was no connection to my wedding at all back then. But now she brought it into the picture. Thanks for responding.

@mrbee: It's very interesting to me that the two men that have responded (you and my fiance) both think the best thing to do is to send her the money and have the situation done with. However, don't you think I'd be setting a precedent if I just paid? This isn't the first time this has happened, it's the second. It's officially a trend. My fear is that if I support this event, she's going to see that her blackmail worked and will probably be more likely to do this in the future. Thanks, I appreciate your perspective!

@Lorennal: Very, very good advice. If we're going to surpass this amicably, we're going to have to have a face to face and really put things out on the table. Thank you for being so candid.

I wanted to post an update on this, since you all were so helpful to me in sharing your thoughts and support.

I responded back to her, suggesting that we get together to talk about it in person, and I expressed to her very candidly but very gently that while I understood where she was coming from, I hoped that she would try to understand where I was coming from, and that to me, offering my time was far more significant than offering my money, which, at this time, I really couldn't offer.

She got back to me and it's all good. I don't know what the plan will be for the wedding, whether she'll still plan on participating, but she did say that she understood that we were just coming from very different places and that our friendship is strong enough to survive this.

So, I'm pleased to report a good ending.

Thanks again.