(Closed) Big Fight… Advice pls!

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
7312 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

Truth? You were being too sensitive. He said that he will not feel comfortable and enjoy moments where he is the center of attention. That’s a completely understandable (and rather common) sentiment. That statement had nothing to do with you. YOU made it all about YOU. You chose to be “crushed” and have your feelings hurt when his statement had absolutely nothing to do with you, your planning, any sort of personal criticism, etc. I can totally see how he would feel attacked when you got all upset because he expressed his feeling on being the center of attention.

That said, it’s unhealthy for a fight to escalate to the point that neither of you are speaking to the other. A simple misunderstanding and a touch of oversensitivity have been blown way out of proportion. Maybe you two need an emergency session with your relationship counselor.

 

Post # 5
Member
9620 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@sj8082:  You’re not crazy but it sounds like you’re under wedding-stress overload.  Give the guy a break – he’s not trying to hurt you by saying he’s uncomfortable being in the spotlight.  He has a right to feel how he feels.  You have to respect his feelings. 

Before you overreact to what he says, try to think of the tone of voice you’re using and de-escalate things rather than amping them up.  People get defensive when they feel they aren’t being heard.  Your FI probably feels that you didn’t hear  him when he explained his feeling uncomfortable, and that made him angry. 

You’re doing the right thing with counseling.  Remember that healthy communication between men and women takes lots of work.  Neither of you are wrong here, you’re just learning how to understand each other.  Don’t give up on it!  🙂

And try to give him some time and patience, too.  Weddings are a ball of stress for everyone. 

Post # 6
Member
2224 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

Honestly, I think you might have been a little bit oversensitive. I understand you’ve done so much to make him happy regarding the wedding, but you do need to take his feelings into account that he might not be super jazzed being the center of attention. It’s how he feels and you need to respect that.

That being said, in the “marriage agreement” you said, I do worry where the equality is in that relationship. You said you need to take care of him but who takes care of you? Or, why does he need taking care of? It sounds strange to me, but we may have different cultures and I respect that.

It may be time to head back to the counselor so you two can work on your fighting styles. Fighting is healthy, just not all the time, and only when it is constructive and can be handled in a respectful manner. You don’t want to hurt each other, you want to be able to calmly express your disagreements and be able to work out a compromise. Not bite each others heads off and go pout.

Post # 7
Member
665 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I agree that you were being sensitive about his opinion, who is he supposed to tell if not you? Also I think you should be trying to plan the wedding YOU want and he will contibute his wants and needs as you go along.

I’ve been in a similar situation with my FI which we have resolved naturally, meaning it just seem to work its self out. I think when I had this issue my problem was the way I expressed my hurt feelings. I used “you” and “dont'” in the same sentance alot which made him deffensive right away.

Next time you have this type of issue try expressing how you feel without saying who caused it or what brought it on. Instead say this is how I am feeling and I think it can be fixed in this way.

I hope this helps a bit, I know everyone is different and each relationship is unique, but things will always work out, it may not be how you think they will work out, but they have to go one one or another.

Post # 8
Member
970 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I agree with the others. He told you being the center of attention makes him uncomfortable, which you chose to take super personally. He got defensive and pissed because he was telling you how he felt about something that had nothing to do with you or your wedding planning, and you accused him of hurting your feelings.

If this is a chronic problem, then perhaps you are in the habit of taking things too personally. Saying, I don’t like being the center of attention is not even close to saying, I hate everything you’ve planned and already think I won’t enjoy our wedding.

Post # 9
Member
2376 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I think you’re confusing ‘taking care of him’ with ‘bowing down to every wish’.  My parents had a very traditional marriage – my mom stayed home, handled the house, ran the finances, kept everything going smoothly, so I certainly have a frame of reference to your situation.  There has to be a balance, and it seems like there isn’t one in your relationship.  Traditional does not mean that he rules the house.  Traditional means that you both have jobs.  His happens to be outside of the house and yours is in the house, but there are clearly defined roles.  Taking care of him doesn’t mean he can just run over your feelings.  If he can’t handle a simple disagreement, and it’s always all your fault, I’d be concerned about a whole lot more than just the reception.

Post # 11
Member
9230 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

@Tatum:  If this is a chronic problem, then perhaps you are in the habit of taking things too personally.

+1.  It sounds like this might be something that happens with regularity?  It’s important to try to identify these patterns that feel very natural / normal to you, but your partner views differently. 

Sorry he hurt your feelings, but it sounds like it was accidental and he feels attacked for just expressing his opinions…

Post # 13
Member
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@lovekiss:  +100

OP, you took what he said personally, when it seems obvious he didn’t mean it that way. That said – his defensive, angry react to your sensitivity is totally counterproductive.

It sounds like the is a great issue to discuss in counseling – how to communicate effectively in these situations so that a) you understand he isn’t criticizing you personally and b) he doesn’t instantly react by being defensive and angry when misunderstandings occur.

Also – both of you should stop trying to assign blame. That’s just a waste of time and energy.

Post # 15
Member
970 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

It’s good to tell someone when you’re hurt. The problem is when you get hurt too easily and the other person feels like they can’t say anything without running the risk of upsetting you. We only have the one example, and it seems the consensus is 100% that you took offense at something that was not intended to be an attack on you. If this was an isolated incident, that’s one thing. But you mention that you frequently tell him you’re hurt. So either he is ungodly insensitive, or you are oversensitive. Only you and he can decide which.

Post # 16
Member
2224 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@sj8082:  it helps to clarify but I can’t understand being in a relationship that is so skewed against someone. So he has a big important job that stresses him. It is my belief that a relationship and marriage is about fairness, give and take equal for both partners. Not one partner gives and the other takes. 

However if this life is what makes you happy and content, genuinely, then don’t listen to a stranger on the internet.

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