- 6 years ago
I’m a regular bee posting anonymously so I that can be totally honest.
Last night my fiance and I were talking in bed about something innocuous and it turned into a discussion about whether it’s okay for kids to play with whatever they want — boys playing with dolls, Barbies, that kind of thing. My fiance started in on a spiel about how he thinks gay people choose to be gay, that they can be ‘turned’ gay by playing with non-gender-matched toys, being sexually abused, so on and so forth.
I found this ridiculously offensive and just plain wrong, based on what I know from LGBT friends and family. The conversation wasn’t going well and I asked him if we could stop talking about it. He kept on talking and I ended up calling him bigoted. I told him, again, that I didn’t want to talk about it. He kept going and raised his voice, right near my face, and although he’s never shown the tiniest bit of violence towards me I felt a bit scared having him so loud right near me so I got out of bed and told him I was sleeping downstairs. I tried to get a blanket off the bed and he said that if I was going to sleep elsewhere by choice then I couldn’t have a blanket, despite the fact that he had four on the bed.
After about five, ten minutes of me being downstairs, he came down and said something to the effect that it’s not fair for me to walk away after calling him names (i.e. bigoted) and that he didn’t feel like we were compatible, that he didn’t want to get married to me anymore. I asked him why, when he asks for time to walk away from an arguement, I’m suppose to abide by it, but I’m not allowed to get out of a situation I feel uncomfortable with. He told me that if he calls me a name I can keep fighting with him until I’m done, which I really don’t think would actually happen in real life.
Later on he came down and gave me a blanket and said he was sorry for saying hurtful things but I didn’t really acknowledge him.
Cut to this morning when he asks me what’s up because I’m avoiding contact with him. I told him that I was really upset, that he was the one who talked about wanting to leave me, and besides that, I’m going through some tough feelings after finding out a high school friend died suddenly. This was about 10 minutes before I had to go to work, so I told him I wasn’t ready to talk, that I didn’t want to be upset at work. He told me that if I chose work over him in this situation and we broke up, that it would be my mistake and my fault. We fought all the way to work.
We are really, really awful fighters. I tried to be as calm as possible through all of this but his double standards make me so frustrated — for instance, he insists that I not talk over him but he constantly interrupts and cuts me off. I’m particularly upset that he lashed out and said he doesn’t want to get married to me, because to me that doesn’t seem like a fair thing to hold over someone.
When we aren’t fighting, things are wonderful and we go long periods without conflict. We can’t get counselling because we live in a tiny town and there are literally no counsellors around, within a three hour radius, but if we could, I’d go. I don’t know what to do now. I’m not sure how to bounce back from having awful things slung at me and frankly I’m not sure if I should even stay. I don’t know if this is a cycle that’s going to continue and I don’t want to bring kids into a household where mom and dad say terrible things to each other.
I’d appreciate any input at all, even that of the tough love variety. I just need the perspective of someone else to help me out.