Big penis=vaginal tearing=pain… help! :(

posted 6 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

If you use lube when fully healed, do you still tear? Just wondering since you said it only hurts if you’ve already torn.

Have you tried stretching things out with toys? That could be a lower pressure way to help.


Post # 5
5289 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

I am sorry, that sounds horrible! I have been with some rather *ahem* large partners “widthwise” as well and I know it can not feel “awesome” if I am not well lubricated and so on, so I feel for you, though I never experienced exterior tearing. Ouch!

Are you using water-based lube? It does not last as long so you need to reapply a lot, but it is still very slippery. I would use lots of it BEFORE sex, rather than waiting for tears to happen. I like Oh My! water based lube or Astroglide, personally. Both are super slippery and “thin”.

Also, I recommend lots, and lots, and lots of foreplay and going very slow, like taking penetration slowly initially.

What if you two brought him to climax BEFORE penetration, so that you had sex on a second go around? He may not be quite as hard/rigid if there is a shorter refraction period and it might not cause as much pain for you.

And, since the Lidocaine seems to help you, I WOULD plan for sex ahead of time. It can still be romantic even if you plan for it. Send each other sexy text messages, plan a hot date, and so on…and it can be still LOTS of fun.

Post # 7
8884 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

This is going to sound kinda gross, but use spit instead of lube. Keep it wet and do your best to relax. Since you’ve been having trouble with the pain lately, I bet every time you get really tense. Wait until you’re completely turned on and body fully relaxed and ease into it.

Post # 8
750 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Olive oil for lube. Regular kitchen olive oil, just a little dab will do the trick and not make a mess. I never had tearing problems quite as bad as you describe, but I did have some when I had yeast problems – and a lot of lubes STUNG inside! I used ice packs after sex! It was horrible, I never wanted to be intimate with my fiance because it hurt and frankly, it was embarrassing to seem like I wasn’t attracted to him. I felt like something was wrong with me.

So, I saw my doctor and I got the yeast thing taken care of. That was part of the issue, but we also have the same physiological problems you have size-wise, plus I still have occasional dryness. The olive oil always works with ZERO pain during or after. We put a little on him and a little on me and it is so.much.better.


Post # 9
3121 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@Lyndzo:  I agree.  Make sure you’re not rushing to sex.  Enjoy the foreplay first and get yourself ready!

Post # 10
5289 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010


I’d think if you felt okay having sex everyday, you would be, right? If you are tearing and need healing time, how are you planning to have sex everyday if it hurts?

But, I have no idea if you would “get used” to him or not if you had sex everyday.  To me it seems like you would not be doing it for fun and enjoyment, but to “get used to it” which to me seems like a much bigger mood killer than any lube can be.

Again, planning for sex need not be a romance or fun-killer. You just need to approach it in a very different way. For example, it takes 30 minutes for the lidocaine to work, that is 30 minutes of foreplay and other fun you can have. No big deal, IMO. But, if you lube up BEFORE, you may not even need the lidocaine.

I guess I just don’t see using lube and planning as things that really “blow” if it allows you to have an enjoyable sex life! To me dealing with tears and healing after them everytime seems like something that really “blows”!

Post # 12
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

You *will* change shape over time but it really shouldn’t be a “just deal with it and have sex every day till it doesn’t hurt any more” thing. You may want to try to incorporate the toys into your foreplay, and not try to go it alone. He can give you an orgasm using toys and various techniques, which should leave you relaxed and lubricated enough to accommodate him, and at least the first few dozen times, he’ll probably be so wound up that he finishes rather quickly, which may be to your advantage to minimize discomfort. The hardest part will be getting him on board with the idea, as some men find it upsetting to bring sex toys into the picture, so choose your words very carefully when you suggest it. You’re not trying to replace him with a vibrator; but the male ego is very delicate.

Post # 13
1830 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Have you tried doing it in the shower or bathtub? The warm water might help relax and lubricate.

I realize having sex in the shower EVERY time isn’t really a solution; but hot shower sex once a week is better than painful sex once a month, right?

Post # 14
8884 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Nlmiele:  I hope it helps. 

My Fiance is rather thick too and sometimes it hurts, I’ve had a couple of tears. I always ask him to start easy and try my best to relax.

Post # 15
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Agree 100% with what RAYKAY said… 

Lube is your friend… sadly I think that a lot of younger women feel using it is some sort of personal failure (it isn’t it is just ANOTHER thing that can make sex great) … lol, most of us older gals will tell you we wish we hadn’t been so vain and had started using it earilier in our lives, it can really really ramp up the enjoyment factor !!

Smiling, at the reference to Olive Oil… the natural lube of 1000s of years history.  It too can be great (also wonderful because it doesn’t leave any wierd taste if you are into oral sex)… and it doesn’t have much of a smell issue either.  Also, it is absorbed pretty quickly into your skin though so you might have to reapply (lol, baste liberally)… the negative side affects are few…

1- People who are alergic to Olives cannot use Olive Oil on their skin

2- Can cause some girls issues with yeast, but from what I’ve read pretty rare

3- As an Oil Based Lubricant it IS NOT COMPATIBLE WITH CONDOMS… so if you are using Condoms, you’ll ONLY WANT TO USE WATER BASED LUBES



Post # 16
2539 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I am so sorry you are going through this. I experinced this also when my husband first became intimate. I actually started using the Lidocaine. We had to kind of schedule sex for a while but it helped “stretch”me out a little bit. I dont use it any more. You should def look into using soem kind of lube or something.

Dont feel discouraged. It will get better I promise. If you have any more question PM me.

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