Weddingbee boards

Oh man, where to start? FI and I have been in a great relationship for three years. We NEVER fight, which actually has me concerned. The main thing is, I feel like he takes me for granted and just. doesn't. care. I always initiate sex, and even then, it only happened like once a month, and it wasn't that great. This started after we moved in together about two years ago. The first year we were long distance and the sex was great, although I would always initiate it and sometimes get upset that he wouldn't, even though we were so far apart and rarely saw each other (like once a month or once every two months). I'd get upset that he wouldn't show an interest in it unless I initiated it, even then. Sigh. So, bringing us up to the present, I decided to just give up initiating it, sort of as a test, to see if HE would. Well hive, it's been THREE months, and NOTHING. Not a makeout session, nothing. Just pecks on the cheek or lips and those don't even happen every day. I've been crying a lot about this and just not feeling loved. I feel like he does love me, but maybe he's not capable of the kind of love I want: the deep, passionate kind of love. I feel so, so stupid for being blind to this and just believing that it would get better. He's so great on every other level, he shows affection by cooking for me, and he's so understanding--a great person to talk to, and he's so funny and makes me laugh. I just feel like we're buddies more than lovers. I've been OK with it until now, believing it would always get better, but it hasn't and so now I'm really starting to question our relationship. I've talked with him numerous, numerous times about how I feel and about these problems, and he's admitted it is a problem and it's not right, but he doesn't freaking DO anything about it, as proven by the last three months where I decided to just give up. I'm seriously thinking of postponing the wedding or just cancelling it, because I don't want to be married to somebody who doesn't desire me or show me physical affection. He also doesn't do things like take me on dates, get me flowers, or do anything for my birthday. It's like he just doesn't care! Ugh! I don't know what to do. Should I ask him to go to counseling with me so we can try to work this out? Is this something anybody else has experienced? I'm just so sad these days, well, these past few months. :(

Thank you, thank you, thank you ladies for your support and great ideas! I'll admit, I don't really want to cancel the wedding. I was quite worked up when I wrote the post. But I know I have a serious problem on my hands, and you've given me the advice I need to try to get to the root of it. I've ordered the book The Five Love Languages, and I plan to have us read it. I'd heard of it before, from a good friend and coworker (one of my bridesmaids) who told me we were definitely speaking different love languages, and there were ways to meet half way. My FI does have some problems with love and intimacy, that he admits, stemming from his super strict, religious upbringing and series of losses of best friends in tragic accidents (he was the only survivor in a mountain climbing accident in high school, and then again one of only two survivors of a rock climbing excursion while he was on his LDS mission in Spain). Then this summer, his best friend was tased to death in a high-profile incident in Utah. He internalizes these tragedies and still needs to work through the pain, so it's very likely he is extremely depressed but just trying to rise above the depression. I don't know how much that is a part of his lack of interest in sex. I think it may be a part of it. He was going to a counselor to work through issues he has with his parents (after the Spain incident, he just wanted to come home, but his parents told him he'd better stay and finish his mission or they'd cut him off completely from the family). But he stopped going to the counselor due to lack of time: he is in his last year of a PhD program and holds two part-time jobs. I think I will ask him to quit one of his jobs and I will get a second job to make up for it, so he can continue the counseling. And of course I'll look into couples' counseling for the two of us. I really love him very, very much, but you're right, my needs should be met. I hadn't thought of it being a physical problem, but I will try and talk to him about going to see a doctor and bringing up this lack of sex drive with his doctor. Thanks so much for your support girls, and I'll update you to let you know if things get better. Maybe I just need to come to peace with the fact that I do in fact have to initiate intimacy, therby meeting him halfway. We'll see what the counselor says.