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What will you do if they break the contract?
In all honestly, while I do like the idea of a bridesmaids "oath" I don't think it will go over well or work the way it's supposed to.
I'm going to be honest here, if I were asked to do something like this as a condition to standing up for someone in their wedding, I would either have to back out or politely decline being in the wedding. It's not even a matter of being offended by someone thinking I can't behave myself (I would be a little offended, but in reality, I know that adults can be worse than kids when it comes to cattiness) but more of a matter that if I knew me being in your wedding with another bridesmaid had the potential to put a damper on things, I would want to save you from having to deal with that.
I read through part 2, and it sounds like there is in fact a lot of drama between B and C, and if I understood everything correctly, C is the one starting and perpetuating it. You also mentioned you had a potential back up bridesmaid (your brother's FI). I'm certainly not trying to change your mind, but have you asked B and C yet? If it were me, I would avoid not only the drama between B and C, but the drama that asking them to sign an oath might cause and pick either B or C and your FSIL.
huh? you asking people to recite and sign this dribble? if it was me i would be running for the hills to get away
Yeah....I wouldn't sign that. If you have concerns with them, talk to them openly and treat them as adults. This comes off as very patronizing. Also, if they accidentally roll their eyes in front of you and you ask them to step down, will they be out the cost of the dress? That's really not fair to them.
Yea--I would recommend having an honest talk with each of your bridesmaids rather than making them sign something. It just doesn't come off right.
having sign an agreement for them to be your BM's on YOUR wedding day seems a bit all too much. If they cause drama and a fuss at the end of the day you'll have learnt who your true friends are...
In my honest opinion i would be offended if i had this given to me, but each to there own.
I could understand if you wanted to do this as a joke BM contract as a way to let them know that you wanted them to stand up with you, but if you are doing this because you have real concerns about their behaviour or manners then I think you are better off having a talk with them privately.
Granted I also believe that your BMs should be people you love and respect for who they are, and from what I gather you are most worried about their attitude towards each other. I would sit them both down and say that you love and care for them both and want them to be in your wedding party but only if they can be calm and civil. Then its their decision from that point onward. So maybe more of a verbal contract would be much much better than something signed like you posted.
Yea, I'm sorry, but I would not sign that.
I sent a "contract" to my bridesmaids, which I got from Offbeat Bride, and I changed it only slightly to be more about me (and I don't actually care if they sign it or not):
- I will look however I want, because Sheena doesn't care (mostly).
- I swear to "be there" for the bride, just like I always am, because she is my friend.
- I will NOT let Sheena's wedding detract from other parts of my life.
- I will not forget that while I am Sheena's friend, she is MY friend as well, and is there if I need her.
- I will eat drink and be merry whenever possible.
- I will engage in as much laughter and "inappropriate hugging".
- I will tease Simon whenever possible.
- I will tease Sheena whenever possible.
- I will not feel the need to spend a ton of money on a dress/shoes/jewelry/manicure/WHATEVER.
- I will have an amazing time.
wow. sorry that was long, but yea.
Sorry, I'm going to join the crowd and tell you in all honesty that if I received this from a "friend", I would at first think it was a joke (okay, funny). Once I found out it wasn't a joke, an immediate "WTF" would go off in my head and I would seriously think twice about being in the wedding.
I haven't read all 3 parts (sorry, but way too much going on there)... but if you are concerned enough about these 2 BMs that you feel the need to write up a contract that would insult most adults, then why are they even in your BP?? That seems like way too much stress for something so petty. If I received that letter from you I would question our friendship, and maybe even your bridal sanity.
... i am just not thinking this is a good idea or going to make things 'better' by any means.. I think it could come across as a little paternalistic and condescending
ok i hear all of you but i think most of you need to see where im coming from and read parts 1 and 2... and they both pretty much know they are in the wedding...dont really have to tell them. they have known since like 8th grade (i go way back with the both of them) but they are starting to think they can tell me that they will be a BM if the other isnt...and i cant handle that. i want both of them...they are my ONLY friends and this is my way of saying politely grow up suck up or dont bother. and like i said im not asking them to do anything over the top...i just want them to get along...i want to show them what i expect for the next year... mostly just minding each others business and being tolerant of each other in a kind smile. and if they cant handle it then they can step down. and this "oath" is mainly because of circumstances that have happened already not because i want to control them out of the blue. also cause i dont think having a pow wow the three of us is going to happen. C will for sure just yeah yeah yeah in one ear and out the other and when it comes time for her to meet up with B it will start...the sit in a corner be a martyr who rolls eyes and has her own pity party. this also gives them the chance to not have to see each other and prepare to see each other if they agree. it will be a solid firm...i know you know, cant say i didnt say anything, if she get like that.
if a dress cost too much then i can understand that and im not going to force anything down anyones throat especially when it comes to money.... that stuff is workable... details on dresses shoes hair etc. are workable and thats where politely commenting comes in promoting team work. if they give an eye roll like omg what is she thinking picking that then ok whatever its when there is attitude eye roll like i cant believe what B said shes so dumb eye roll then no....that was a reference that was to go to C cause whe she has attitude she is an eye roller! C is very opinionated and will voice it rudely...and i dont want her being the downer the whole time.
and in all honesty i question C friendship sometimes so really i dont think im all in the wrong if she gets this and questions our friendship cause this is only proof that i should be questioning hers with all she has put B through and knowing B is as close to me as she herself is. and that hurts...but she is still a friend to me besides.
and people here say that i should see who my true friends are and in all seriousness they are my ONLY friends. they are the only ones i go out with, that i can hold a convo with, that i can keep around for more then a year and they have seen the inside of my house and know as much about me as my mom does.
this is in no way me standing over them with a wistle keeping them in line this is me not letting it get to that point. this is pretty much this..."heres the deal, i love you both and i want you both to be happy but i want you both to behave for our weddings sake, so keep yourselves in line, if you cant handle that then im sorry but you cant be a bridesmaid." and in simpler terms this is what this is to look like: i wont deal with pity parties, bad mouthing of others, martyrs (oh nothing is wrong but i will pout all day) loud mouthed opinions that cause drama, drama in general, if you have a problem with someone lets get it out the best way possible by talking it out face to face, and if you cant do this then im giving you the chance to say so...and that i love them anyway no hard feelings. i expect respect between both of them...you dont have to like each other but respect each other. if you want to act like 2 year olds then please sit in the corner and let the big girls play cause i dont deal with BS. and i want them to have fun! tons of fun! but how can that be if they are at each others throats? can i not set standards and guidelines for decorum?
im not an aggresive person and im not a controlling person either i usually keep to myself and keep quiet hard to get me really angry... just a laid back hippy chick...i just dont fuel the BS i cut it off at the neck cause im so not about that.... but i guess a computer screen can hide all the good (or bad) in someone and it makes me sound like a controlling hag.....but whatever. i know why i need to do this and how it will come off on this side of the screen cause i know myself and i know my friends. especially B she will see this and say hey you know i got this it might be hard at times but ill suck it up for you cause were besties. and J...like i said dont know her too well but thought it would be nice to invite her cause shes my FSIL and im not even going get her involved in all this.
how do you keep peace and decorum when worrying conversations will fall on deaf ears?
You solicited the Bee for opinions. Maybe you did this because you thought everyone would think this was cute or reasonable. In any case, the consensus (which I agree with) is that this is a straight up ridiculous idea. Complete nonsense. Really.
In no way am i saying you are a controlling hag, nor is anyone else, but it seems that you are trying to restrain your only friends. Any kind of rules one must abide by is impossible. People are only human. Sometimes we stumble and you are sure as hell not going to enforce me to be happy ALL the time and be there for you ALL the time. And as far as behaving, no, you're not going to force me to do that either. I'm going to do that on my own accord. Give your friends some credit. If they start eye-rolling or talking smack, ignore it and go about your day. It's not going to stop based on a contract. They are WOMEN.
If you don't fuel the fire eventually it will burn out. And if you keep positive and focus on what needs to get done, they will have no time to even mention issues.
Instead of a silly contract, you need to talk to them, in a non-hostile way, about the issues.
This contract is basically just a gigantic highlighter pen on all the drama and it will cause even MORE drama and backfire on you.
oh my it seems you are all immature. Sorry, but if your BM are fighting between each other tell them to work it out, as adults. You can say that verbally. This "oath" thing makes you seem like you're going back to 8th grade as well. It's throwing lighter fluid on the flame. All of you grow up.
oh gosh. If you hand this to them, you may have zero bridesmaids!
I get that you're trying to politely tell them this, but we're just saying that this isn't the polite way to do it. Just talk to them and tell them your concerns. I'm not saying you shouldn't be worried or that you shouldn't address the situation, I'm just saying this isn't the best way to do so. A verbal conversation will go much more smoothly than this 'oath.'
You've been having this problem for nine months, and your wedding is still a year away. Do you think an elementary school style oath is going to fix it?
I think you need to step out of your own perspective. You have long, multi part posts describing the problem. And then when others replied, instead of acknowledging or addressing their replies, you insist that people aren't getting where you are coming from and launch into an even longer explanation from your perspective. Believe me, we know where you stand. We think you should stand somewhere else. The bridesmaids need to "grow up suck up" sure, but so does the bride. We've all had some kind of drama, and it is frustrating to watch your friends not get along. But you need to trust that each of them is mature enough to handle it all. You said they tolerate/ignore each other now; why push for more than that? And all these things in the oath are things you should be open with them about and discuss throughout the planning process anyway.
Ok, I just went and read the other ridiculously long posts (the second was really hard to follow) and honestly, I think you need to cut C out of not only the wedding, but your life. She seems to be pretty toxic, and the fact that she will say some of the horrible things about your "best" friend B, and you let it go, is not making you a good friend to B. You need to talk to C, tell her to grow the f up, and if she can't, then she needs to find a new friend. I don't see how you can say that this girl is your best friend. B is happy for you, and doing whatever she can to be a good person to you, but C is just doing whatever she can to try to damage the situation as much as she can.
You only need one really good friend in life. There's no reason to stay friends with a girl who acts like C does
I agree with the general consensus that the oath will not go over well. However, I see how you can have 2 best friends who do not get along, however, as long term friends, I assume they know you are equally close to the other. I think you shough have a 1 on 1 convo with each girl seperately and let her know your concerns about their relationship and ask her if she is comfortable and capable of being a bridesmaid without drama and realizing you expect a certain level of interaction between the 2 of them and the other BM. I think you should be able to talk to goor friends and not require a contract. I would be majorly offended if I was handed this agreement, particuarly as you mentioned some lines are directed specifically at one girl. Have you considered just having a MOH (the other BM) in order to completely resolve this situation? Knowing this will be a headache, I would consider a very small bridal party in order to avoid any issues.
This is completely over the top. Can you imagine if this post were flipped from the BMs perspective?
"I was asked to be a BM in a good friend's wedding, but she said that first I had to sign an Oath of Honor..."
My guess is responses would fall along the following lines - Is she joking? That's ridiculous! and, I would not be in that wedding.
Talk to your friends about your concerns.
As someone who has four bridesmaids who don't get along at all, I say you sit down with them and tell them it would mean a lot for you if they could put aside their differences and just tolerate each other for the few events in which they need to be around each other. My bridesmaids straight up TOLD me that they didn't like each other but they'd be civil for the wedding-related stuff. If I had handed them an oath, they would have thought I was slightly insane and controlling. Your bridesmaids are adults and they need to act that way. I'd just tell them either they can graciously accept the invitation to be in your wedding, or they don't have to be if they feel uncomfortable.
I read your previous posts and if I were your BM's, I would totally be insulted by an "oath" to behave myself. But, if it were me, I also would act like an adult for my good friend and wouldn't let my feelings for someone else get in the way of that. You need to sit each of these girls down separately and tell them that you know they don't get along and if they want to be a BM, then they have to at least be civil for the duration of the wedding. Any TRUE friend would do it for someone they cared about.
And really, most of the fighting seems petty and childish. Everyone needs to suck it up and grow up.
I'm having flashbacks of Real Housewives of Atlanta here.
I believe that as the bride you can either put a damper on the drama or inflame it. Your contract will inflame the drama. Talking to them nicely and calmly will put a damper on teh drama.
When i first started reading this I was smiling because I thought it was just for fun. Its one thing to have a wish list of things you wish your BMs would do. But its a totally different thing to actually ask them to sign a piece of paper.
sorry ladies i read through this yesterday and i feel stupid. last week i was very hormonal(i have some female issues that have been very hard to deal with and my body and emotions have put me through the ringer.) and going though a lot of other crap (non wedding related...family issues.) and it manifested this really irrational post/vent. like i needed to outlet all of my stress and it came all out in the formof this crazy post. please excuse this whole thing. and yes i do type a lot. i dont really get to express my concerns much aside from here and get carried away with details. and im sorry i couldnt respond to each and everyone of you before...i would have sat at my computer for hrs. so i did a general reply as i am doing now.
also i wasent looking for all the negativity this post brought (some comments kinda hurt) and i was still looking for options and constructive ideas not just critics. and thank your for those who kind enough to say "hey i dont think thats the way to go...what if you tried....". it pushed me to finally talk to them both......
so yes, i have talked to them and its still not good. it may have worsened things. i was calm and respectful to both and let them know that i loved them both and wanted them both to be a BM but that there were issues to be resolved and that they would have to at least be somewhat civil to each other. they are still very against each other and angry and both sound like they refuse to put up with one another for the sake of the wedding. i dont really know what to do. they just dont get that this means a lot to me and i feel kinda not important enough to them. and any talk of cooperation falls on 2 sets of deaf ears that are attached to sticks in the mud i wish they could act like adults and be the good friends i know and love. cause ive never had something this bad with either of them especially B.....im ready to say to heck with bridesmaids...but i dont want to stand alone or loose the experience of having my friends close durring this time. and i did think of just having a MOH to end this but now that i have talked to them both and both expect to get this BM invitation, i cant do that without really hurting the other really bad. just really confused and sad and desperate for any help.
to wrap this up....im sorry...i realize it was a dumb thing to even think up and especially to post. my hormonal/emotional side got the best of me. but i am still open to any creative ideas as to fix this whole mess without me loosing friends/bridesmaids. if there is nothing more to be said that is fine.... i dont want to drag this out too much further on here then i have already but i am open for ideas if there are any out there. thank you for understanding :D
i don't think a contract is a good idea. just have an honest talk with them each separately. tell them that it stresses you out, that it's your day, and that you are not going to deal with any drama. 2 of my best friends are no longer friends with each other and haven't been for about 4 years now... they are both in my wedding and i just told each of them that i don't want to hear anything negative about the other person and i don't want any drama. one of the ladies got defensive, but just for a minute and then complied. the other one had no problem with it. you can pretty much tell them what you want in a couple sentences, and if they don't want to be mature and deal with it, then they don't need to be in your wedding.
good luck
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so i wrote up the oath! in my last post (pt2) i said i would need to write an oath that B & C would agree to to be bridesmaids its more like a contract but i like to say oath...it has a more honorable meaning. so here it is...please feel free to use this if you too are having bridesmaid drama!
The Bridesmaid Oath of Honor
For your wedding and the days leading up to it, i will do my best to make this time in your life as special and easy as possible .
I will respect your decisions and will politely comment or discreetly opine on all
matters.
I absolutely will not cause drama, spread gossip, pout, roll eyes or display any negative attention getting.
I will be kind and tolerate everyone involved in the wedding process.
I will keep all comments and concerns of others to myself until I can speak to you on the matter in private so conflicts can be handled quickly, peacefully, and quietly.
I will communicate all my concerns so there is not a hint of stress between us.
I will step down if I cannot comply and will wish you well with no hard feelings.
I will be helpful, cheerful, and smile no matter what!
I will enjoy this time in your life and celebrate it to the fullest!
Signed___________________ Date____
and thats that! so what do you think...got everything in? im also going write each of them a letter stating all the great reasons they should be bridesmaid but also state the concerns. i plan to include this oath for them to sign. i tried to be as non bridezilla as possible...i dont care if they all match or have their nails done a certain way or if their hair has purple streaks or crazy make up or if they want to wear different jewelry or if they cant make every little thing.....i just want them to behave, be helpful, and be happy! also...should i have one for each BM? i have 3 so far and its just the 2 im concerned about....i may just give the 3rd (J) one and say i have to do this for the other 2...what you do for 1 or 2 you should do for all right? not that they would know...but i guess its still the right thing to do.