- 6 years ago
- Wedding: July 2014
I’m petrified about telling my Future In-Laws we’re engaged (when we officially are) and I don’t know how to begin engagement talks. First some background:
My FH is the black sheep of his family. He didn’t have a relationship for many years but has established one in the last few years. He’s still not 100% part of the herd. We live across the contentant and contact is not extensive. He has many siblings and he’d be the 5th to marry. He works in the family business so most communication is business and personal is left out of the relationship.
My Future In-Laws are materialistic, show love with money and like to flash cash around to feel important. Wedding in this family are huge, 6 figures +++ and very elegant and formal with everyone remotely connected to the parents on the guest list. Because he’s part of the family business there will be a tendancy for the wedding to be a business party so possiby even larger than some others.
My FH is a sensitive soul who does not share their love language. We flew across the contenant to visit and barely ever saw them. When they stood us up for dinner one night they just said they’d give us $500 to make it up to us as we entertained ourselves. He was crushed and didn’t care about the $500 but I know they think that made up for it. My parents are the parents he never had – it’s funny because he acts 5 around them. “look what I can do!” and then eats up all the attention as people actually watch and ask questions.
I’ve never dreamt of a wedding. I would prefer something very intimate and small if anything at all. The thought of having anything near what they put on is terrifying. I’ve told FH this and at first he wanted the big wedding to be like his siblings but has slowly come around to my way of looking at this.
My family does not have the money=love blue print. They will NOT contribute to a wedding nor would I expect or ask for this because they raised me very financially independant.
I would love to tell my Future In-Laws we’re not going to have a big deal for a wedding but I know:
1. They would never fly here for a little wedding. It’s not worth thier time and they would be robbed of showing off money for the people whos opinions they care about.
2. My FM might be devastated if his parents simply accepted our desires to not have a big deal for a wedding. Particularly since that would likely mean it would barely be acknologed – they wouldn’t come or engage in any way if not attending. If we eloped I’m not sure we’d even get a congratulatory phone call. I think he figures their love (via money) would still get forked over – but I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t be because there is no public display in which they can bask in if they just quietly paid for a honeymoon or something.
3. There might be business consequences to marrying without the type of wedding expected of thier business.
If I wish for my FH to feel like his siblings and just allow this big wedding to happen:
1. I’d be uncomfortable asking for anything (and he WOULDN’T) but I would never start planning a wedding of that scale without knowing they are fully commited to paying for all this costly stuff. I know most of the past weddings were mostly them but I don’t know how much of it was the couple. Even 5 – 10% is way over my budget.
2. As the bride, I know they would look down upon my family for not paying for or contributing to this grand wedding. They already look down upon them for being blue collared. I am white collared but get looked down upon for not being the right level of white collared. It could be really awkward for my parents.
3. If they made us have a big wedding it would be thousands of miles from home and MY family and friends are unlikely to make the journey. I have a wedding and my FIL’s mailman is there but not my close aunt – wow that’s sucky!
I really don’t see a win – win here… and I have no idea what my game plan for starting wedding talk with these people should be.
Do we tell them we’re going small and low key and I potentially have a crushed hubbie who doesn’t feel loved? Or do I go for the big wedding even though I don’t want this and have no idea how to sit down and talk money with them. WWYD?