BIL destination wedding… Would you go?

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
6812 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

When you have a destination wedding (as I am!), you have to learn that not everyone is going to be able to afford to attend your wedding. Only those people who think you and your wedding are important enough to attend will make it happen – and those who think they can turn it into a vacation.

I personally would never miss an immediate family member’s wedding if I could help it. I also would never let FI miss his family member’s wedding. How do you not go to your own brother’s wedding?? IDK, every family is different, but I wouldn’t allow it.

That being said, I would either put off the home renovation plans, take something off the renovation list that can be done later, or find money elsewhere in my life-budget and turn it into a trip to remember. I’d go to Poland for the wedding weekend and then go to a 2nd country for the remainder of the week – somewhere close to Poland and somewhere that you either missed already this summer or that you already went to, loved and would like to go back and explore new things.

Post # 4
Member
1590 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Did they have a celebration two years ago? If you already celebrated with them, I would say you don’t have to go.  If not, could you explain the situation and offer to take them out to dinner?

Post # 5
Member
1112 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

DW are a lot to ask of family/friends and I think any couple planning one knows that and has to expect that not everyone can attend. If your hubby doesn’t want to go, and you agree then just stick to that decision. 

There might be a few ruffled feathers at first, but people will forget about it as life goes on. 

Post # 6
Member
1590 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@futuremrsk18:  I feel similar and I know it’s not easy because my brother had a dw wedding. Another thing to consider is maybe hubby could go without you and crash in another room. My sister & BIL shared a room with my parents! Lol

Post # 8
Member
6812 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

@ruby26:  Is there any way you can do only part of it? Like leave something out that can be done later on?

Post # 10
Member
6812 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

@ruby26:  Aw, thanks! I think someone else’s suggestion of just your husband going would save you money and not ruffle feathers, too. Or, just remember – it’s a DW and they can’t expect everyone to go. Just explain that you JUST went to Europe for 3 weeks and would love to Skype into their ceremony (I’ve seen this done before!) to witness their vow exchange and would love to celebrate once they return home. They might be having an at-home reception (very common for destination weddings, although I’m not doing one) that you can go to instead. Or, considering all the money you’ll save by not going, sending a generous gift will probably help mend things by you not going (and maybe she will have a bridal shower or bachelorette party or something at home that you can attend). Good luck!! You will work it out – a decision doesn’t technically need to be made until the invites go out. 🙂

Post # 11
Member
1662 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@ruby26:  Hi! I agree with @MrsVandykins:. I’m a destination bride myself, and I don’t want to interrupt anyone’s life with my wedding! Seriously, I wish everyone could make it, but I would rather they not spend money that is needed elsewhere. I have 6 siblings, and 2 can’t make it. No hard feelings.

All that matters is the couple is there themselves. Definitely be apologetic that you can’t make it, send them a card and your best wishes. If they’re reasonable at all, they will do their best to understand and not guilt you about it. 

Best of luck!

Post # 12
Member
1793 posts
Buzzing bee

@futuremrsk18:  you said, “personally would never miss an immediate family member’s wedding if I could help it. I also would never let FI miss his family member’s wedding. How do you not go to your own brother’s wedding?? IDK, every family is different, but I wouldn’t allow it.”

While I do understand the sentiment, this is not a wedding it is a convalidation in the church.  (making a huge assumption this will be a Catholic ceremony, here)  Yes, I realize that in the Church’s eyes this is their wedding, but these 2 people have been legally married and considered themselves married for the last 2 years as it was necessary to obtain a green card.

Since they chose to be married 2 years ago, I see no reason why the OP and her husband should feel required to attend this DW.  They aren’t missing a wedding…

Post # 13
Member
6812 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

@hermom:  I really disagree with this and I know most of the bees think this way, but I think the real wedding is the one that the couple decides to make public to everyone, unless they never decide to do that. Sometimes, you have to get married beforehand, but the actual public wedding is what is important for you. I don’t think that just because they already got legally married makes this wedding any less important and I think it’s really insulting to those people who do it this way. It would be one thing if they already had a celebration, then I would understand. But, it seems like they didn’t have a celebration already. It seems like this is the time they have chosen to make their wedding/marriage public and celebrate their commitment and love for each other with everyone else. I don’t think it’s fair to make it less of an important life event just because they went to a courthouse already once before. It’s actually really, incredibly offensive and insulting.

Post # 15
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@ruby26:  If you can’t afford it, don’t go. If you will go into debt or have to put off something that is a prority in your day to day life, then don’t go. No one’s wedding is as important to anyone else as it is to them. They chose a DW, so they need to understand if people can’t afford to – or just don’t want to – come.  

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