(Closed) Biological Father Won’t Come to My Wedding

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
548 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation.  My FI’s mother also said that if we didn’t invite his nephew she wouldn’t come…different situation, but along similar lines.  In my opinion, you shouldn’t change your plans….your reasoning is sound to me.  I think your bio father is acting like a child, especially by going to other members of his side of the family and rallying against coming to your wedding.  I know it hurts you very much, but in my opinion, he’s not showing you the unconditional love he should be showing you.  You could have not included him at all…did he think of that?

Post # 6
Member
1488 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

That situation really sucks. Reading your OP was like reading my life lol. Except my step-mom has put a major wedge between my dad and myself so we don’t talk that much anymore. We were starting to mend bridges before we were engaged so I was in this same place for a while (since then, we no longer talk and he isn’t invited to the wedding). I wouldn’t change your plans to apease him. It’s your day, and if family calls to ask what happened all you can do is tell them your side and let them choose. It sucks to not have all your family on your wedding day, but you’ll know the people who are there and it’ll make it that much more special.

Post # 7
Member
1843 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Wow, I’m really sorry.  I always try to put myself in others’ shoes in situations like this and from your dad’s point of view, he probably feels like your step-dad got to enjoy things he didn’t in your upbringing, perhaps your mother was the one who filed for divorce and he feels as though he’s the victim.  I’m not agreeing with him at all – just trying to see it from his perspective.  Do you think your father wants to be the one to “give you away” – would he feel better about doing the second half of the “the walk” and giving you away to your FI?

I wouldn’t give in on this one completely, but maybe try to talk to him to see if there is any “happy medium” in between that he will agree to. 

Honestly, if he’s this hard-headed about it, I can only imagine how uncomfortable it would be to have him in the same room with your step-dad for the reception.  I would be afraid he’d make a scene. 

And how sad that his side of the family is turning their backs on you over this.  So very sad.  Sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do.

 

Post # 8
Member
3482 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

Sorry you’re going through this. I also had a blowup with my family about aisle-related issues and it sucked.

I don’t have any real advice for you since my situation was a little different, just wanted to say I feel that the walk down the aisle is a deeply personal experience for the bride and should be conducted how she chooses, regardless of what tradition dictates or what other people think.

I thought your plan was lovely, and I’m sorry your biological father is being so difficult about it. It is a privilege, not a right, for anyone except the bride to walk down that aisle; he should be honoured that you asked him to walk with you even partway, and it’s rotten how he’s throwing your gesture back in your face and getting his side of the family to make you feel like a second-class citizen at your own wedding.

Post # 10
Member
1488 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@buttercookie: I agree, you shouldn’t change your plan just to make your dad happy, you should be happy on your wedding day. I also think it’s crappy of your bio dad to be such a jerk about it. A lot of my family is very petty so I totally understand what it’s like.

Post # 12
Member
693 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Freaking family.  Weddings brings out the best and the worst in us. Sorry but my advice is to have your step father walk you the entire way down the aisle. I would not even speak to my father anymore after he pulled that!  Not going to his daughter’s wedding – shame on him!

Post # 13
Member
305 posts
Helper bee

I’m so sorry you have to go through this.  While I can’t imagine what it must be like to be in your situation, the only advice I can give you is that sometimes blood relationships aren’t all they are supposed to be.  If your father doesn’t want to make an effort to be in your life don’t think of it as your loss.  It’s his loss.  Not only is he putting unnecessary drama on a day that is supposed to be a celebration of your love and your new life with your SO, he’s trying to use the day as a means to settle old grudges.  If he doesn’t want to grow up and be there for you, there is only so much you can do.

This might seem cold-hearted of me, but I say forget him.  Spend your time focusing on the people that have been there for you in the past and will continue to be there for you in the future.  All relationships take work and if he isn’t willing to do his fair share of it there comes a time where you just need to cut your losses and focus on the people who are actually there to support you.

Post # 14
Member
7300 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Maybe your bio dad can walk you down and then halfway your step dad joins and they both walk the rest of the way with you. Or maybe they can both walk you from the beginning. Whatever you decide, stick to your guns. I think your bio dad is being a bit childish about the whole thing. 

Post # 15
Member
258 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@CantWaittillMAY:  AMEN!  Such a shame to see a grown man act like a greedy child who wants more even after he’s been offered a great honor already!  He’s lucky to be able to participate at all after having been such a transient influence in the OP’s life. 

 

 

@buttercookie:  Does he (your bio dad) pick up your calls at least?  What happens (or happened) if you explain to him what your reasoning was for him doing the first half?  Was he indignant about it?  Since he’s acting so child-like, I bet you could child-psychology him into taking what you’re offering.  Tell him what you told us about how the walk down the aisle depicts the chronological involvement of the men in your life and tell him that if he doesn’t want to do this, then your step dad will walk you ALL the way down the aisle which will pretty much put your bio dad’s involvement at zero.  He might say yes just to keep your step dad from having the privilage of walking you the whole way.  Talk to him in his own language…that of a 4 year old.  That is if you even want him there anymore.  :-

Post # 16
Member
189 posts
Blushing bee

@buttercookie:

“my step-father has been there for everything throughout my life, and has truly raised me as his own daughter.” I am in the same boat. My step-father IS my daddy. Even though both of my parents are walking me down the aisle, you should walk down the aisle only with him. The fact that your step-father has been there and was even willing to tolerate any other man (bio dad) walking his little girl down the aisle is remarkable.  How I am reading your message, your bio-dad may not deserve such an honor.  His “blood” and “his right” is one of a sperm donor (sorry), not as a true daddy. 

I personally, (this is me because I hate when things are unjust), would write/type a card to each decline outlining what you said below.

I am sorry that you will not be attending my wedding. But I wanted you to understand the reasons behind my actions since they were not explained in full…

…I was more willing to come to a compromise before he issued me an ultimatum…In terms of a happy medium — I just don’t know that there is one.  The reason I wanted each to walk me halfway is because I wanted a separate moment with each of them. 

You will be missed.

Sincerely, You

If your bio dad walks you down aisle, you are being manipulated into something you don’t want. If your dad doesn’t show up, his loss. You have your daddy walking you down the aisle, no matter how “STEP” he is.  

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